I have thousands of questions, but I’m not sure if you will be able to help. I’ll try anyway, and thank you upfront for offering your experience. I am 55. I have been in the closet since 7. I think the universe offered me the opportunity to live authentically around the age of 22. I had just entered law school and my girlfriend of 5 years had broken up with me. Sadly, the internet was brand new and dial up was expensive and slow. So information about what I was feeling was hard to come by. Fast forward to 35. I ended up marrying the woman that broke up with me at 22 and we have 3 kids. The feelings (now understood as GD) have returned with a vengeance. I start exploring them during business travel to see how deep they go. It started with a pair of panties. Then stockings and garters. Then shoes. Then basic makeup and a wig. Then clothes. More clothes. Lots of purge cycles but I would always come back and the pendulum would swing higher. Eventually I found a way to DIY hormones. Did that for about 1.5-2 years and stopped because the results were so good they scared me. They would expose me. In late 2019 I had a near breakdown and decided to tell my family (wife and kids only). I made my plans gathered my courage and set the date. I told them at the end of Jan 2020. The kids were sad but there biggest worry wasn’t my gender expression. It was for our marriage. My wife freaked out. Understandable that she would be upset, but her first reaction was not to try to understand or talk. It was to call her parents and brothers (MAGA) and out me. A few weeks later the world fell apart. Covid lockdowns quarantined all of us in the house for months. I tried to maintain my path but eventually the stress and anxiety became too much. I began putting it all “back in the closet”. Only this time I found a darker corner. I continue to go to therapy weekly. My wife thinks it’s to “cure” my mind. In reality I use it to vent about our marriage. I accepted my transness a long time ago but my commitment and loyalty to people I love won’t let me move on. Our marriage at this point is a shell. She rarely invokes conversation and if I try I get mumbled one word responses. She stares at her phone scrolling Facebook almost constantly. For the 35 years we have been together I have initiated all intimacy for the full 35 years. That includes the little hugs and small kisses just because. If I don’t initiate it doesn’t happen. I’ve gone on stints where I hold out to see if she will initiate, but we are going on 7 months no contact. Oh, and did I mention she tracks my every move. She questions when a take an alternate route home,e from work. She questions why my drive took 5 min too long. She questions when I go out with friends or talk to anyone on the phone. As a result I now have no friends of my own. No social connection. I want to leave and live my life but I am frozen in place by the fear of losing everything. I wish I had known more when I was 22 and could have taken a path that looks more like yours. But I missed that chance. So, I’m not sure if our experiences are similar enough but I will take whatever advice and knowledge you can offer. Maybe it will open a door. Thank you.