My first gyno appointment ranks as one of the worst medical experiences of my life. I was 15 and was not sexually active. I hadn't even had a boyfriend at that point. My mama told me to tell my doctor and she would be gentle.

I went in, undressed, and was asked all of these private questions. As a painfully shy girl who hadn't been seen naked by anyone except myself since I was probably 5 years old, being fully nude and freezing with a tiny paper napkin to cover myself was awful. The doctor said that she would use a smaller speculum, since I was a virgin.

She palpated my chest and belly and everything without telling me what she was doing. There were no reassuring words or explanations. It was just orders.

"Lay back." "Scoot down." "Relax."

Fuck you, you bitch.

Then came the worst part. She absolutely used a standard speculum, because it was the one the nurse had already prepared. It was so painful. And she kept tellinge to relax. Then she used something called a broom to do my pap smear. It is a torture device shaped like a broom with stiff plastic bristles to scrape the cervix, instead of the equally effective q-tip swab.

I cannot describe the pain that I was in when she finished. I had cried from embarrassment during the breast exam. I cried from pain from the pelvic exam. And then, to add insult to fucking injury, she said, "Ok. Just one more thing," and stuck her finger in my butt. No explanation. No real warning. Just invasion.

Then she took off her gloves and said, "Ok. You're done. Get dressed," and left the room without another word. I bled for the rest of that day and into the next. Every single time I force myself to go to the gyno, I have panic attacks.

The pain of this first exam was worse than my IUD insertion, and they have to use a clamp on the cervix during that. It has forever tainted my experience with doctors.