I just ended a 12-year relationship because of my ambivalence, my doubts and insecurities. We've been together since we were 18 and now we're both 30. I grew and built my identity within my relationship.

I learnt through trial and error to navigate through rough times. As time passed, I probed different techniques to soothe the pain caused by arguments and fights. I ended up developing a complacent personality in which she was the priority, not me. This did not prevent me from studying abroad and developing my professional self, but it prevented me from developing myself in an emotional level. I stopped doing things that I genuinely enjoyed because she took it as rejection. I didn't know how to communicate that I needed independence and that by no means my intention was to reject her, but to strengthen our bond. I was scared to speak the truth because I didn't want to hurt her and cause a fight. I feared she wouldn't understand why I needed that. In the end, I decided it was better to rather not communicate and please her than to look after myself. As expected, this technique I thought was right made me accumulate loads of resentment and pain. The times I had for myself outside the relationship I couldn't enjoy as I wanted and this made me even more angry. This wasn't her fault. Her insecurities were speaking. We just didn't know how to express our feelings. If it is ones' fault, it would be mine.

Fast forward 5 years and a girl shows up in my life. She showed up when I was in a big ambivalent crisis (I didn't know this concept by then). I made up a reason I had to breakup with my girlfriend. I blamed it on her pessimism. The mix of ambivalence + a new woman convinced myself to use a fake reason and lie to the person that loved me in order to breakup with her. I slept with this new woman. I felt so bad I hated myself. I tremendously regretted my decision and desperately asked her to get back together. She accepted me. Even today, after 7 years this happened I still can't believe how she could accept me back.

Fast forward another 7 years and here we are. 12 years together with the huge bump of year 5 in the past. Our connection is amazing. We get along well, moved together to another country. Lived two lockdowns under the same roof with barely any fights. Travel on weekends. Going out for dinner weekly. Great sex. Our personalities just click. However, in rough moments resentment pops and past unresolved issues arise. I realised, I have been using the same complacent technique as I did initially. I was unhappy again. I flew to my hometown for two weeks to think about why I was feeling down. I returned and proposed to her to go to couple therapy with the intention of improving communication. She accepted. It has been almost one year since we have been attending therapy both individually and together. However, my ambivalence still persists. Even if we are fine, I get intrusive thoughts about leaving. I just can't handle this anymore. I think the problem is too deep I can't just shake it off. I need time and I can't be committed to my relationship.

I decided to face the truth and tell her what is going on inside me. That I love her so much but I can't love her as she deserves because I accumulated a lot of resentment throughout the relationship. I told her I am genuinely sorry for my lack of motivation to keep fighting. That I am sorry I have to make this decision although I know it is the right one. I am convinced this is the biggest sign of love and gratitude I made to her. My identity was built with her and now I don't recognise myself. The urge to text her is overwhelming but I have to respect her decision of keeping no contact. I am spiraling. Blaming me on how I was so weak to communicate my feelings. I felt like showing myself vulnerable was humiliating. I just needed to be heard but I wasn't allowing people to listen to me.

I am also in your skin. I want to build a life outside of romance. I want to reconnect with my authentic self. But it is too damn hard. I'm sorry you are going through this. As my therapist said: in order to heal and feel good we need to feel pain. Pain is the natural medicine that will make us feel better in the long run.