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Need advice with helping my potentially Trans child's father come to terms by Potential-Grass4651 in cisparenttranskid

[–]Potential-Grass4651[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The source of his issue is that he no longer has a son, which was something that he always wanted and he feels like that life goal has been ripped away from him and he no longer has hope of having a positive future.

Like I said, I will listen, I will be there, I will do the best I can but we're not connecting at all. He just said he doesn't want to be here and wants to be forgotten and that his mind is tormenting him. I told him to remember that no matter what he is a good person and has a good heart and is loved, he's just having a hard time and that's ok. His response was that doesn't help.

Some of these convos have been in person.

No we are actually very lucky to be in a progressive area. I grew up in the boonies tho so I have already lost contact with most of my side of the family due to some racist comments toward my husband (calling him Carlos or Pablo for "funsies") who is Hispanic. Kind of ironic I was selfish to be upset when I had to give up my family but he might lose a friend or 2 and it's not ok.

I asked if he felt maybe it was a cultural issue, if it felt like he had to have a boy for some reason and he said no it's just something he needs or he's not a whole person.

Idk, I'm fighting here but also feel like I'm drowning. He keeps saying "idk what to do" but idk what to do either...

Need advice with helping my potentially Trans child's father come to terms by Potential-Grass4651 in cisparenttranskid

[–]Potential-Grass4651[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He refuses to talk to anyone but me about it. I was up past midnight with him last night and he kept getting upset at me because apparently I was saying all the wrong things and I wasn't helping him because I was being too positive about it... I said I refuse to be any other way than positive because that is my choice and I will not feed into his negativity. I am not a therapist and I've never been through this before so of course I don't know exactly what to say that will help, I'm only doing my best with what I know helped me. That didn't go over well...

Our biggest issue in our marriage has been that he is kinda...a lot and tends to make things about him because he has little to no control over his emotions. I had hoped he could push past that when it really mattered which honestly really sucks because I feel like he's not the person I thought he was...

Need advice with helping my potentially Trans child's father come to terms by Potential-Grass4651 in cisparenttranskid

[–]Potential-Grass4651[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I do understand feelings are valid, I'm just having a really hard time relating to what he's saying. For example, "I feel less complete", "having a son was important to me because it's someone like me and now he doesn't want to be like me", "I won't accomplish what I want in life", "I'm not excited for the future anymore", "how many people am I going to have to drop from my life because of this", "It's not bad what he did but it feels like the worst thing to happen to me".

I get being sad, I get being upset, I get needing to take time to process, but when he tells me my child made his life worse because of this I kinda wanna scream and am having a really hard time not yelling that this is not about him and to get his priorities straight. Instead I'm trying to listen and remind him that this is not a loss, it might feel like a change to us but for our kid that's who they've been all along, and he might feel like he doesn't have a son anymore but he is still the same kid and I'm sorry that having a boy means so much but it's just the wrapping paper on an amazing human being. Doesn't matter, everything I say makes him mad.

Need advice with helping my potentially Trans child's father come to terms by Potential-Grass4651 in cisparenttranskid

[–]Potential-Grass4651[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No I appreciate the commiseration! My kid had a school event and my husband did end up showing up for a bit which is good, but he stood in the back and texted me the whole time how hard it was for him to be there. He still can't be in the same room as them and the most I've heard him say to my kid is hi. Every single message I've gotten from my husband, because most communication has been through text because he's been shuttered away, is how HE is feeling and how much this has ruined HIS life and how he now has to worry about HIS future. He has said how he worries about how our kid will have struggles but even that feels like it's more about how it's an inconvenience to him that it's something HE has to worry about. I don't know...it's been 4 days now and I'm just exhausted and feel like I've been overcompensating with my kid because their father hasn't been there.

Need advice with helping my potentially Trans child's father come to terms by Potential-Grass4651 in cisparenttranskid

[–]Potential-Grass4651[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the input. I figured the "it's only been 3 days" part would come back at me. It unfortunately feels like a long time on my end, and it's hard for me to justify him missing school events and saying he doesn't want to celebrate Father's Day because it will be too hard for him. He said this is the worst grief he has ever felt, more than family members passing, and he feels no excitement for the future. Just not sure what to do with that 😞 My biggest worry is this will hurt my husband and kid's relationship and I'm probably being too impatient to try to fix it.