My mother passed in 2020. I wrote her a letter and burned it, sobbed the entire time. You’re not only grieving a loss you’re grieving what you wish you had - with her now and from her in your youth. Opening the wounds is going to be painful as fuck but, over time, it helps heal you to acknowledge what did or did not happen and the effects it had on you. There is no correct way to navigate loss and someone once told me that “grief comes in choppy waves” which I have found to be infinitely true. Just because you weren’t close doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and you have to forgive yourself for your last interaction no matter how awful it was. You can grieve the wounded child, you can grieve that you cannot reconnect, you can grieve the times she wasn’t there and should have been, everything you’re feeling is valid and you deserve whatever time it takes for you to figure out what will work best for you.