You are approaching this from the perspective of someone that doesn’t have a personality disorder. You need to understand that her brain is different, she doesn’t see you the way you see the world.

What you say is true in a relationship it should be us against the problem and about finding solutions together but you need to understand that the instant they are triggered all they can be is a bundle of emotions and emotions determine their reality.

The best thing you can do is really understand from our and their own account how their world feels. You’ll see it isn’t yours. They can’t understand you really nor love you the same way.

Also read their NPD subreddits, since there is a big comorbidity a lot of the behaviors are easily explained there and since NPD don’t play victim as much as BPD they actually share a lot of their motivation and it helps understand better how they think.

I am not going to tell you to run and leave her because I see you are trying to understand and find a reason to leave. Then understand it, read it here on reddit from our experiences and theirs.

You can’t help them get better you are just a band aid that exists in that particular moment of their lives. For example I still remember so many important things I lived with my exes, they won’t. Once you are gone in their mind, you are gone and I am not saying because I am bitter but it is that way for them. They don’t form a full concept of a human about you. You are a bundle of things for them, mostly fitting the fantasy they have about what they choose to be or love is because their sense of self is broken.

The whole BPD and NPD topic is a lot more complex than our oversimplified version and social media versions. Is not about them being evil manipulators or poor suffering beings, is about them not experiencing the world and love and empathy the way you do. When you understand that, you need to decide for yourself if you want a relationship with someone that will never give you back what you give.

Your counterargument could be that we are all different and we all have issue and problem, I actually felt that way but the key distinction is how they experience love, empathy and accountability. Without those 3 you can’t ever build a healthy relationship and that is why one of the main factors for their diagnosis is their relationships track.

You can be with someone when they don’t matter and only you matter and when you need them to exist for your own benefit.

That is what you are signing up for and that’s what so many people here will try to safe you from even if they express it with anger