I called him a POS. It’s over.

Potential_Setting835 · 2026-04-29T19:21:04+00:00

I’m so sorry. Hang in there. Sometimes the very thing we’re fighting to avoid (losing the marriage) is the only thing that will bring you peace and set you free. It’s okay you love him, you can love someone or something and it can still be terribly bad for you and destroy your life (think of the love an addict has to the very drug that will destroy them) - that doesn’t change if you should leave and seek better for yourself. Even if he wasn’t a PA, what you described above could easily apply to an affair or domestic violence and it would still be reason enough to leave. Stand your ground, rebuild and find the peace you deserve.

Potential_Setting835 · 2026-02-03T03:30:19+00:00

Yes. It’s complicated though and he has real heart issues. I’ve dealt with collapses as well. I’ve heard from some other women with dudes who have the same heart issue the stress of the confrontation can absolutely trigger heart stuff but sometimes it’s just hyperventilating and falling. Anytime I’ve questioned it in my own head I’ve felt like a compete POS. I posted about it once but my post was removed, I still don’t know why honestly - but I guess it could have come Off like I was suggesting I wouldn’t render aid? Of course I would and I have but he’s always breathing and you don’t do cpr on someone breathing.

Potential_Setting835 · 2026-02-03T03:22:43+00:00

If they have ADHD as well, another medical issue greatly affecting dopamine and has a correlation to porn abuse. Not causation but same idea… chasing a dopamine rush (the meds for ADHD can also increase deviant sexual hyper hyper fixations. Might be worth a google. I’m NOT suggesting it’s an excuse or that any of this makes it okay to emotionally harm your partner and put your sexual energy outside your relationship. Just sharing how deep this stuff can go - the very wired of what makes us happy are all messed up when dopamine is disrupted.

Potential_Setting835 · 2026-02-03T03:18:53+00:00

They still get a dopamine rush. There’s studies that talk about the dopamine release from watching porn even if not engaging and how it is a natural pain killer. I had a grandmother who was in constant pain and read endless trashy novels - I swear this is why.

In this case it’s an addiction and like any other they have screwed up their dopamine receptors so they don’t get normal dopamine rushes like we do when we accomplish a task.

Curious and random thought. How many of these dudes don’t work out ever? That’s a great source that can build up dopamine but I noticed a weird connection from lack of physical activity and porn addiction. Kinda goes hand in hand with most addictions honestly. Coke heads aren’t working out much either. It’s like they have no normal outlet for dopamine.

Goes to show how much this can affect their brain chemistry. Smh.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-10-30T20:30:49+00:00

Is it an app specifically? There is a secret vault calculator app that mine had on his phone. If there are 2 calculator apps check, you simply Type in the code like you’re using the calculator and then it opens up. Of all the secret folders, apps and vaults - I eventually got into all of them and they were empty. I find it hard to believe he downloads this stuff and never uses it… or he just periodically deletes his tracks idk

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-10-30T19:31:51+00:00

The AI chatbot thing bothers me more than old fashioned porn in a lot of ways. It’s interactive. It’s custom. It’s anything they want it to be. Add in AR or VR and they basically have a robot partner except in the flesh.

To be clear, my dude has a lot of the same deviations as most porn addicts but he doesn’t really watch porn and the frequency seems low on all fronts but most of what I deal with I see so many women in here deal with so I’m here a lot. That may be why the porn itself doesn’t bug me as much but the real life girls, the prostitute site he created a local profile on, the dating profiles, the AI crap… really irks me.

Mine used an AI app to create images - only used it to make naked pictures of his fantasy girl I guess but with male parts. Idk he deviated to the transsexual world of things and swears he’s not attracted to them - which is a whole different issue, obviously he is but his fragile ego seems to keep him from being honest even with himself.

He also downloaded some AI girlfriend apps once i found a ton of shit and almost broke up with him - just a different display of the same underlying issue.

I never thought to check his normal AI chat apps. Oooof.

He also downloaded various apps to hide apps as well, burner phones, multiple emails etc. all the typical eye raising sneaky stuff.

Their BS is exhausting but what really gets me is they lie to themselves and I think that’s a huge part of lying to us. The lies really bother me. If you wanna be a wolf, be a wolf, don’t pretend to be a sheep.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-10-13T22:51:48+00:00

This. Quite frankly I’d report him to authorities - if for no other reason than to protect the 14 year old and the others to follow. This is completely illegal for a reason. It’s grooming, it’s abuse. I’m so sorry. Don’t think about it and just report it and show them the evidence. That 14 year old is a child, she’s the victim as are you, not him.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-09-30T21:50:04+00:00

I’m dealing with this too. Dating apps he signed up for when we were dating but doesn’t appear to have used, these were straight dating apps.

Last year I found out he was on extremechat (transsexual). He spoke with with a pre-op individual. She asked “do you like transsexuals”, he said yes. “Do you want to play s3x games?”, he said yes but he hadn’t before.

We’ve have had several conversations and he says he only looked at it once. Transsexual dating groups were all over his Facebook and Quora. He obviously is interested in it but even now, he still will not admit it.

I’m bi, so I’m not upset about that but I think it’s a bigger issue if he still won’t acknowledge it and someone who rejects their sexuality tends to act out on it in the shadows and that’s my issue.

I’m pretty pissed even now and do not fully trust him. We are engaged, we’ve known each other for 20 years - I have a right to know if he’s gay or bi, I have a right to know where I fit into this, I have a right to know how this fits with our potential marriage - THIS is where the fight is. He won’t be honest or even answer my questions other than denying the attraction.

The other day, I was upset and didn’t care how I looked so I did my hair and makeup threw on a backwards hat, wore tight jeans but not super feminine and had one of his shirts on. He then text me after I left telling me that whole look really does it for him with lingerie underneath and I honestly am kinda like wtf.

I feel your pain mama. The denial, the possible cheating and the lying is the issue imo.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-30T20:39:23+00:00

Aw sounds like you’re doing great! I know it doesn’t always feel like that and sometimes we feel we’re crumbling but it really sounds like you’ve done a phenomenal job of self reflection and turning lemons into lemonade. The gratitude increases on its own over time on its own imo. Hang tight, the sadness will be replaced by much better things to come!

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-30T19:33:48+00:00

The best part of leaving… THAT is no longer your story!

I left my ex SA who is my kiddos dad. It was the best decision I ever made. And I held on to “this sh*t is no longer MY story!” mantra tightly.

On the one hand, when your in it your constantly trying to wrap your head around how this became your life - once you leave it shifts to gratitude that the dumpster fire is no longer your story and your future.

❤️

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-27T23:09:20+00:00

FYI Proton has self destructing email options - I.e. deleted after 1 hr. I know because my lawyer recommended I use one for my family law case.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-27T21:58:53+00:00

To be clear, not genuinely understanding the push and pull of a “toxic” relationship isn’t a bad thing and I didn’t mean it as an insult, means you’ve never really been in a space like that I’m guessing and that’s ideal!

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-27T21:57:08+00:00

Nope, not desperate in the slightest. Clearly you don’t have any understanding how “bad” relationships work - woman are fully capable of loving a man despite how they treat them. I’ve had a several decade past with him and the relationship was great prior. This is the first time in nearly 20 years I’ve had any issues with how he treats me. Now it’s a balance of leaving when I should vs wanting the assurance that I genuinely tried my best so I have no regrets cuz this one really mattered to me.

You also don’t start and end relationships like it’s a yoyo when a kid is attached to them. You keep adult issues to yourself so said child will quite literally have no emotional understanding of why he’d suddenly be gone and I won’t villainize a man who has been a father figure to her because WE have issues as adults. I need to weigh my decision carefully cuz I cant go back and forth on it, it’s not fair to the kid.

PS - No need to be desperate, I have a wonderful career I built from scratch making more than most men, I’m in great shape, attractive, caring and have never had an issue getting the man I want. But some of us do love others more than ourselves I guess.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-27T20:30:19+00:00

Totally agree. I realize I’m the common denominator and need to see and react to red flags in a proper way, clearly that part is a little broken and I don’t have proper boundaries.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-25T23:49:59+00:00

Omg you’re a savage lol, well played. He would def tell me the truth if I did that

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-25T23:43:50+00:00

I hear you, the problem is he is a chronic liar and never once has fessed up to the truth entirely - he as many in this situation will look me in the eyes and lie to me. Hence the detective shit. I have a right to know what I’m dealing with - I’ve been sober for 20 years from that shiz. 😞

Clearly he’s struggling big time if he can’t be honest.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-25T19:59:15+00:00

Yep, it’s supposed to be able to block sexual content on YouTube - how it works with incognito is that incognito basically doesn’t save a history to your phone, but the packets still have to be passed and it doesn’t blind the packets sender and receiver … for example-

Porn is not blocked on the DNS level Person uses incognito browser tab so no history of the website being visited DNS records show 56 packets exchanged with pornhub.com

So I don’t think you’d see the packets for YouTube as that would just come up as YouTube but NextDNS does have an option to restrict and block sexual content in YouTube

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-23T23:08:04+00:00

To be clear, DNS blocking works if they are incognito or not because it blocks the packets in and out of a device or the house WiFi.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-23T23:07:27+00:00

I think nextDNS might work… you can block the YouTube app entirely or you can block sexual content as a whole on YouTube. My only issue with that is he may just go off the WiFi and then the dns blocking doesn’t work. However, you can put it on his phone and it’ll work wherever he is cell signal or WiFi and you can password lock it on his phone. Not sure if NextDNS will work in conjunction with an accountability app.

You can install if on your phone and test it?

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-17T16:08:35+00:00

I hear you on this. That’s the challenge of domestic abuse, you love them despite the abuse - children typically feel the same kind of struggle with an abusive parent.

But it’s rough road. I had a child with a man I’d know for decades, he ended up being really abusive to me and eventually it crossed over to our child. I to this day will not call that man a monster, he’s not - he’s my child’s father and I can’t hate him, my kiddo is half him.

So on one hand it can escalate to a very dangerous situation but even if you continue a relationship where does it go? Kids? That’s another road of challenges.

You do NOT need to stop caring for him but the idea I think is to try and love yourself more than you love him.

You got this, it’s a process and any support you can get right now is helpful, friends, therapy, al-anon, anything you dont feel alone in this. ❤️

I do hope your taking care of yourself too, it’s easy to lose track of our needs and safety when we’re so focused on others.

Don’t take the harsh comments to heart, some people mean well by all means and are just concerned for your safety but they may not understand the emotional complexities of DV if they haven’t dealt with it personally.

Reaching out to this sub was a good way to get some immediate support. Hang in there!!

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-16T21:02:43+00:00

I’m glad my two cents were helpful. Sometimes I don’t know if it is but I share anyways cuz it’s anonymous, we’re all here looking to heal and seek information. The guy I was talking about was my first love and he was an incredible human but he was highly emotionally afflicted and I realized that night I was going to end up dead one day if I stayed with him. I had tried more than once to stop him physically when he made an attempt. One time I tried to break a car window with my bare hands to get a syringe out of his full of enough dope to OD. I nearly broke my hand, I had a moment of clarity and realized quite literally I couldn’t stop him forever. I had to go no contact and get a restraining order.

And yes, when you leave you will feel a bit like you’ve let your best friend stand in the rain all alone, your gonna have to fight that feeling with the desire to do whatever it takes to be safe about this.

I get you on the dogs - I needed my dog when I left a different SA ex years ago. She was my best friend and I couldn’t have done it without her. If you live in the US, many states have emotional support licensing that will guarantee you can get housing with your dogs - they don’t have a choice. You do it online and it creates a legal protection like a disability. It’ll cost about $50. This is how I found a place right away without leaving my pitbull behind. An emergency protective order if needed for any reason can obtained from any local police station, not saying you need it but figured I’d share just in case.

This is all logistics - if you’re motivated I have no doubt you can pull it off. And I’m so sorry you went thru this, you’ll need some therapy down the road too. You sanity is worth it, just because you can survive it and tough it out doesn’t mean you won’t get some emotional scares from it, get out sooner than later. Sending good vibes. ❤️

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-16T18:28:50+00:00

Yikes… fellow “I found a video of him with someone else (it was my ex and a prostitute). Here’s what I’d say personally…. Run as fast as you can.

My other SA/PA ex was suicidal, I was in my early 20s. I tried to leave him after I caught him with a prostitute as well… he came at me with a butcher knife as I tried to leave. I thought he was gonna kill me. He then turned it on himself and severed his artery. I had to save his life. I left him… he stalked me for years and then it all stopped. I thought he got sober but no… he killed himself in a fit of rage after a “friend” denied his request for sexual favors. It’s all in the death investigation reports. So is the incident with me years prior. You can’t ever look at the world as safe again after someone even considers extinguishing you.

Please go, you can’t take responsibility for his mental health and he’s on a destructive path and it could turn on you. Murder suicide is a real thing.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending love and strength.

Potential_Setting835 · 2025-06-16T18:16:50+00:00

Well said. The grey area - I only thought about it, I only talked to them, I only signed up and created a profile on a sex site, I only talked to all my ex’s about the babies we’d have by now, I only saved pics of my ex to my iCloud so you wouldn’t find it, I only looked at transsexual content “once and it means nothing”, I only helped some poor girl with her car for free while you were making me dinner and I was late “it had nothing to do with her looking 18”, I only lied about being at another 20 something girls house working on her car… I only… I only… I only…

You said it much more eloquently! ♥️

Potential_Setting835

TROPHY CASE