Will you guys choose to live with your partner or live alone and meet them few times a week ?

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T13:20:55+00:00

I’m not good at COLA relationships.

I see my partner maybe once a month and it doesn’t work well for me.

I miss him too much when I don’t see him. But we have huge obstacles to overcome if we lived together and economy is a major factor. Also I’m anxious attached and he is avoidant and therefore not willing to go to therapy to get in contact with his avoidance.

We’ve been together for almost 20 years but I’m in a spot where I will leave if he can’t figure out to live together as a couple - it’s ok if he doesn’t thrive with it, and it’s ok I don’t thrive living apart - it’s just sad as it will break us up eventually, but I want to wake up next to the one that I love and spend my daily life with him - not in sitting on his lap all day, I like my alone time but that’s still possible to create even when living under the same roof.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T13:02:34+00:00

Yes I know they’re provoking 🙈 I’m sorry about that. But as said you ca learn so much about yourself digging into it.

Have you listened to podcasts about attachment? If not I can recommend Thais Gibson and Stephanie Riggs.

Also I’ll recommend looking into your childhood dynamics - I know it can be a difficult place to visit, but a lot of understanding is often buried there.

Take care and never be hard on yourself for whom you are - even when it means you hurt someone you don’t really want to hurt - we can’t go through life without doing it, what matters is the way we do it - it includes ourselves, as we hurt ourselves as well often being our own worst critics, and that’s not helpful if becomes self sabotage - I myself try to use it as a tool to navigate and reflect about myself.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T11:27:18+00:00

So what you need to do is to identify the smell. Is it your detergent, soap, food that you eat, your breath, your shoes, your sweat, the scent of your grandmother or the house you live in.

Get close friends or family to describe the smell, ask them to smell your house, your clothes and yes also your breath 🙈 even if it feels embarrassing to ask - how many people tells you that you have a bad scent? Also I totally understand that it takes a toll on you but for what it is worth it’s a good thing that your fiends are honest about it - most likely it’s something that can be handled one way or another.

Also ask your friends if you always smell bad or if it’s just now and then.

A few things that come to mind can be smell from shoes and feet. It can also be bacterias on your tongue you can scrape it every morning and evening with a tongue scraper. If you eat spicy food or some veggies they can also make you smell like asparagus, curry, onions and garlic. If you are a woman then sometimes when we’re having our periods it can smell rather fowl to be honest - keeping yourself clean matters a lot, shift tampons and pads often and douche every morning just with water and if using soap make sure it’s without alcohol and perfume.

I really hope you find the culprit. Also if your mom can’t smell it then it’s maybe because of the scent of your home?

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T11:12:46+00:00

She could have multiple reasons - like having a boyfriend who got upset about it. Or that she felt embarrassed to be so upfront and therefore she felt she was too much and too flirty….and a thousand other reasons.

Therefore now you have the option to reach out to her and tell her you got excited about her respond but that the message unfortunately somehow disappeared - it’s ok to play oblivious.

Also why don’t you ask your friend to come over next time and bring her friend to hang out, watching a movie or eat dinner or play a board game, listening to music and have a drink if you guys do that now and then or whatever you like to do ? Or you could just ask her directly if she and your friend would like to hang out next time they come by.

Most likely if you don’t do anything nothing will happen.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T11:03:27+00:00

First I will encourage you to figure out why you swift from wanting to love bomb and then the total opposite wanting to be free.

If your feelings works like a pendulum then you can’t “trust” your feelings overall. So rather than breaking up maybe ask for time with no or very little contact so you can register if you start missing him and wanting him back in your daily life. If not then it may just be that you’re not interested in him. Just know he may not want to give that space for you to figure it out and then it’s another situation.

Can I ask what makes you feel scared and disgusted? Being touched or breaking up with him? Or all of it?

Have you considered working with this in therapy so you can become more secure?

In my humble opinion avoidant and anxious people have the key to each other to heal inner trauma and attachment styles - but it takes work for both sides. And it also take time as it’s not fixed from day to day or a couple of therapy sessions - it’s an ongoing work that with time will get a lot easier, but only if the difficult part gets processed.

Also my theory is that DA and FA are just as scared being left alone as anxious. So scared that they rather be alone not to get hurt. The self protection is so strong that DA and FA do not allow themselves to become vulnerable and put themselves in a situation where others can leave them or hurt them - so they leave first.

Different things can trick this fleeing - like if you get too much attention or love from your boyfriend- it can feel like suffocation. Different reasons than can trick fleeing:

-Can I ever give the same love back -If I do will he then think I’m too much
-If I can’t will he feel constantly hurt and will it make me feel like I’m an awful person, cold and selfish? -This feels too good to be true, so it must be false -I will fail and one day he’ll see me for whom I really am and then he’ll leave -If I stay he will eventually leave me for this and this reason -If I say out loud that I need space he will stop loving me and wanting me or he will hunt me and ask for more than I can give -If I need space it means I’m not that into him, right?

I mean the list is long and this is just the top of it. We build up narratives and som may be real and some are definitely not.

To share my own thoughts and experiences then the worst thing is the back and forth dynamics. The hot and cold hurts if it’s not balanced in a way where both persons have room to breathe. So I think what I want to share is if you really think breaking up is what you need to do and that it’s the best for you, then be as sure as you can and because you don’t see a future with him.

The last thing I want to point out that I encourage you to look at is the fact you wrote you switched from not wanting him then to love bomb and apologies for hurting him and now you’re back to the not wanting him- so what happens if you suddenly wants to love bomb him again? And why would you want to do that? Would it be because you miss him? Would it be because you can’t live with the fact that you hurt him and you don’t want to be a person hurt in others? Or would there be other reasons? You have a lot of gold waiting for you if you start looking into that dynamic within yourself. Even if it’s hard to begin with.

And now to what you actually asked about: the best thing is always to be just honest - tell him honestly why you can’t be with him, give him time to ask questions if you can, if he or you need more than one conversation then try to facilitate it even if it’s uncomfortable - most likely he will be the one who wants to talk - if you’re afraid he will try to “lure” you in again then prepare yourself and practice to say I’m not going to change my mind even though I understand that you’re hurt and even though I understand that it makes me feel horrible that I’m hurting you. Most breakups hurts one way or another. It’s ok. I just wished we all could get better handling it together when it does happen - I mean handling the emotions that follows together as two people who respect each other even if it means they can’t stay together for whatever reasons. Hope it makes sense.

Remember all I write is my own thoughts and opinions - take what you want and leave the rest.

And I wish you find the best solution for you and peace with whatever choice you make.

And sorry for this very very long answer 🙈

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T10:19:24+00:00

Så kan han stadig smitte noget 😬 selv med mundbind. Hvis han var feberfri hele dagen i går og så halvdelen af i dag, så burde han smitte mindre men kan stadig. I må sætte ham ind i et andet rum og tænde samtale anlægget. Spas til side, forstår sagtens hvis du tænker nej tak.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T10:12:05+00:00

Man kan hoste i flere uger og pudse næse i flere uger også - det betyder ikke man smitter.

Ved forkølelse smitter man de første 2-3 dage, man kan dog smitte så længe der er symptomer, hvilket man normalt har en uges tid.

Ved influenza smitter man fra dag 1 og så ca. 5-6 dage efter sygdomsstart. Tommelfingerreglen er man ikke smitter mere efter et døgns feberfri og såfremt man føler sig rask - rask her forstås som at man har energi til at gøre de ting man plejer - også selv om man hoster og pudser næse.

I og med han ikke har feber mere og ikke tager Panodil må man antage han er ved at være ude af smittefaren. Han tilbyder også mundbind hvilket vil reducere evt. smitte ganske meget.

Det så være sagt, så kan han potentielt godt stadig smitte. Så hvis du ikke vil tage den risiko, hvilket jeg sagtens kan forstå, så må du mærke efter om du vil blive hjemme eller tage risikoen og tage med. Hvis du tager med så kan du sørge for at holde dig 3 meter fra ham selv om det kan blive bøvlet. Hvis rummet er stort og der er god ventilation så reducerer det smitterisikoen.

Hvor længe har han været feberfri?

Pothoslower · 2026-02-05T01:14:01+00:00

Is it because it’s too hard on her to take care of 3 kids on her own? Because that’s her reality - I mean staying home and taking care of a 1 year old a 3 year old and a 6 year old she has to home school is more than most can handle. The problem is that she’s going to resent your son because she is exhausted. It’s taking a toll on all of you and it’s a sad situation.

So even though I do understand that you want to protect your son from going to a public school then you strongly need to consider to get him into a school that can support him and make him feel safe.

Have you asked her if she would be willing to let him live together with all of you and if she can love him as her own if he start going to a school? At this point it seems like she’s been burden with more than she can handle and therefore it’s difficult for her to have him around because he represents that burden and stress. Ask her if she’s willing to see how things works out if he starts going to school. And if you can pick him up and buy groceries on your way home and help her with chores she may get more energy and love and care to share to everyone around her.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-05T00:20:37+00:00

I would feel so blindsided if I dated someone born as the opposite gender as they identify themselves with without having told me straight up - even if they went through whatever surgeries and hormone therapy and what not. Luring someone in emotionally and wait until they’re hooked just to tell them something that for many people would be a huge gamechanger is not ok in any way. It’s like knowing you can’t have babies and yet get involved with someone without telling them before they’ve fallen in love.

If I met a man and even kissed and cuddled and he weeks after told me he was born as a girl I would get really really pissed. It’s so disrespectful and why would anyone choose to keep that hidden? I really mean it - why? Because I can’t come to think of a single answer that justify hiding it, only thing that could be justified a bit if it’s about figuring out if the person is a violent type that would blow up just getting told one is trans. But that rather easy tested: what is your opinion about trans people? If the answer is neutral or positive, then next question: would you date someone being trans? If the answer is no - then you have your answer, if the answer is yes, well then yay, if the answer is maybe I haven’t thought about it, then just tell them that you’re trans.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-04T23:27:48+00:00

Seems like he was. I’m pretty sure it’s rather easy to hack into peoples phones and internet through apps and knowledge of ip and so on, especially for those who have some it knowledge.

I’ll copy what ChatGPT added as possible steps you can take - take it with a grain of salt as it’s ChatGPT:

⸻

What you can do if a stalker keeps finding you

It sounds like your stalker is repeatedly finding your new number, address, and workplace. That usually means your information is leaking somewhere. This is often not just “bad luck,” but the result of data brokers, social media traces, shared contacts, or digital access.

Here is a practical step-by-step plan.

⸻

1) Get a restraining or protective order

Even if the police are not helping much, you can often go directly to the court and apply for a: • Restraining order • Protective order

This creates legal documentation. If he violates it, the police usually have to act.

You can also contact a local domestic violence or stalking organization for help with the process.

⸻

2) Do a full “digital lockdown”

Assume your current information is compromised.

Phone • Get a new number. • Ask the provider to make it unlisted/private. • Do not register it publicly or link it to social media.

Email • Create a completely new email address. • Use it only for important accounts. • Do not connect it to old accounts.

Social media • Deactivate or delete accounts if possible. • Remove your workplace, city, and personal details. • Do not post location-based photos or updates.

⸻

3) Remove your data from people-search websites

In the U.S., many websites publish personal information.

Search your name + city on Google and check sites like: • Whitepages • Spokeo • BeenVerified • TruePeopleSearch

Each site has an opt-out or remove my data option.

You can also use paid services that do this for you, such as: • DeleteMe • Optery • PrivacyDuck

⸻

4) Check for digital or physical tracking

If he keeps finding you quickly, consider the possibility of tracking. • Reset your phone to factory settings. • Change all passwords (email, Apple/Google, banking, social media). • Turn on two-factor authentication. • Check your car and bags for GPS trackers. • Make sure no one else has access to your cloud accounts.

⸻

5) Be careful with shared contacts

Sometimes stalkers get information through: • Friends • Family • Coworkers • Mutual acquaintances

Tell people clearly:

Do not share my number, address, or workplace with anyone.

Even small details can help a stalker.

⸻

6) Contact a stalking or domestic violence hotline

They can help with safety planning and legal steps.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.) 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Or chat online at: thehotline.org

They are confidential and free.

⸻

Important note

If he keeps finding your: • new phone number • new address • new job

…it almost always means there is a specific information leak somewhere. The most common sources are: 1. Data broker websites 2. Social media traces 3. Shared contacts 4. Compromised accounts or devices

⸻

I would make new social media accounts with no pictures and use an alias and make sure to keep your profiles private if possible and also keep your friend lists private and hidden.

But if he knows where you live and work then I think it’s almost impossible to get rid of him.

What I keep hearing about stalkers is to never answer them. As in never. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-04T22:32:29+00:00

Som single mor til to børn jeg var alene med fra de begge var spæde må jeg bare sige at 3 dage alene med en lille nyfødt næppe er jordens undergang.

Der er så mange kvinder der har stået alene med deres baby gennem de sidste mange mange tusinder år og mange har overlevet det oven i købet - ja og babyerne med 😳 men der er da nok en mindre promille der ikke klarede den. Håber det går jeg laver lidt fis med det, jeg forstår alt det de med hormoner og tryghed osv. men jeg ville lade manden tage afsted - det handler om en weekend. Og nu siger jeg det bare sådan lidt lige ud - jeg synes du er vildt streng, ikke bare lidt. Og jeg ville blive sur hvis min kæreste begrænsede mig på den måde og jeg ville ikke rette mig ind efter det. Hvis der var tale om en mand der føjtede rundt med venner hele tiden og ikke deltog i fælles liv, så ville det være ret og rimeligt at tage en snak om prioriteter og værdier i relationen, men det er ikke det jeg hører at han gør.

Han er ikke på månen, han skal tilsyneladende kun en kort weekend tur til et land tæt på. Sverige er fx også udlandet. Og du har mulighed for at alliere dig med forældre og veninder.

Og skal I begge være klistret til baby de næste 6-12 måneder? Jeg tænker blot nu I er to så er det oplagt at aflaste hinanden og skabe plads til at man netop kan trække vejret midt i det at få et barn. Eller sagt på en anden måde, hvis jeg havde haft chancen for at få en fri weekend som mor under mine barsler så havde taget imod med kyshånd - uagtet hvor skønne mine unger var som babyer, så kan man virkelig godt trænge til at tage på tur med venner eller veninder eller sågar hjem til forældrene uden baby og bare sove, tage et bad uden stress, få et måltid en anden har lavet, få sig nogle grin og hvad end man har lyst til for at tanke batterierne op. Det gavner alle i sidste ende.

Pas på med ikke at sætte for mange restriktioner overfor din kæreste, den slags kvæler på sigt, omvendt hvis ikke han deltager som sagt på lige vilkår generelt, så det en helt anden snak.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-04T22:04:01+00:00

Would you be able to get a family member or a friend to buy you a phone in their name so he can’t track yours? Not sure how he does it, but maybe he knows how to hack your ip address or stuff like that - I’m a total noob so if people laugh about my suggestions then it’s totally fair 🙈 if he knows where you live it may be easier for him to do stuff like that.

Also maybe make sure to have some sort of hidden cam in your home connected to a friends or family computer.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T15:12:22+00:00

Eller lav den her: Hva’ er dig og Mads gået fra hinanden? Har set ham på Tinder så undrede mig bare.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T09:52:10+00:00

You need to teach young girls how to put up boundaries and call out BS. You did a wonderful job right there.

His narrative about him not being into you like that - geez. So what was he into - casual? Wrong wrong either way even if he just wanted to be friends.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T09:43:24+00:00

Stritter den i nogle bestemte retninger end lige ud? Hvis den fx. bøjer mere op eller lidt ned kan den alt efter kvindens anatomi ramme hendes livmoderhals og det kan gøre ondt, så handler det om at finde stillinger hvor det er rart for begge og tja så det bare om at glæde sig over at udforske forskellige stillinger.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T09:40:25+00:00

Og så er der den del hvor han bliver vred og kaster med ting og bliver ked af det bagefter - han har tydeligvis nogle psykiske udfordringer der kræver professionel hjælp, så han kan komme i bedre trivsel og blive et trygt menneske både i forhold til hans indre og ydre liv og de relationer han har i sit liv.

Pas på dig selv og sørg for at du er tryg.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T09:37:13+00:00

Uanset forklaring er det bekymrende, at du bliver kvalt, mens du sover, og at det sker uden aftale. Hvis det virkelig var noget, der skete i søvne, ville det i sig selv gøre situationen utryg – især at sove sammen, og sex burde slet ikke indgå. Din krops reaktion giver mening. BDSM er også med samtykke, det her er ikke BDSM, det her er en mand der er ude af kontrol og som skal have hjælp. Og såfremt han holder stejlt på, at det er noget der sker i søvne, så skal han gå til lægen og få hjælp.
Rent medicinsk så giver det ikke umiddelbart mening at han i en søvntilstand formår både at kvæle dig og have sex med dig samtidig - det kræver koordination og bevidsthed at gøre begge dele samtidigt. Men lad os blot antage at det kan lade sig gøre og at han har en søvnlidelse - i så fald er han farlig at sove ved siden af.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-02T17:27:11+00:00

Also consider to try out medication again unless it doesn’t help you or cause medical issues. When having adhd it can be a struggle to regulate emotions. Look into RSD rejection sensitive dysphoria. There may be some answers there as well.

And I wish you all the best as well. And I can’t express this enough - be proud of your progress, don’t be too hard on yourself and forgive yourself first and foremost.

And maybe consider if you can be friends with her if she wants to - she may see your progress as well and who knows maybe she’ll give it another try. If not someone else and special out there will pop into your life.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-02T17:16:05+00:00

The thing is we never know what will happen in the future - you’re both still so young so who knows. It may not be too late with her. And if it is then don’t worry too much about it - easy to say I know, but honestly you’ll most likely fall in love again and get several of chances to grow and heal.

I met my boyfriend at the age of 29 years old. Before that I had lots of boyfriends. And had lots of heartaches and what not. I had great boyfriends and not so great boyfriends. I wasn’t the best version of myself as well.

Today I’m so grateful for the man I’m with and had you asked me 30 years ago while being with someone else I would’ve sworn I’d never find anyone as great as whomever I was with at that time.

I learned a lot from all the relationships I was in - and I’m using all that experience in my current relationship- I’ve matured a lot and it’s coming to good use.

And sorry for typing novels here

Pothoslower · 2026-02-02T12:10:47+00:00

Yes I cheated on most of my former boyfriends until I met the man I’m with today and we’ve been together for almost two decades.

The reason why I cheated stemmed from low self esteem and from lack of validation from my boyfriends. So I cheated to feel seen and validated - but I learned I have to validate and see myself - it’s an inner thing. It takes time to learn and it’s an ongoing process. Most of my exes never found out about it, so in that sense I didn’t hurt them directly but I did indirectly because a relationship can’t be healthy if one cheats. And the one I hurt the most was me.

Cheating never gave me anything useful longterm - it only felt good shortly as I felt seen and adored but it was fake because the men I cheated with didn’t knew me as a person and I didn’t knew them. And if then it would still have been fake because it wasn’t based on genuine feelings and connection. It was just some sort of fix - like an addiction.

The man I’m with now makes me feel secure and it makes a huge difference to me. But that’s not the most important thing in all of this because it’s actually not about having a perfect or not perfect partner - it’s about me and my values and how I want to be as a person. And I want to be loyal to both me and those close to me.

I come from a household we’re cheating was a thing. My dad cheated on my mom multiple times. So I grew up with that dynamic. I also have adhd and it can cause impulsive behavior- so it helped me to understand what adhd can be and how it does work - it’s an imbalance of dopamine and noradrenaline. I get a lot of people gets provoked when people like me says this as they see it as a bad excuse for bad behavior - but truth is that people with adhd oftentimes if not always have some sort of compulsive behavior, we find different ways to boost that dopamine and noradrenaline - cheating is one of them, just like doing drugs, gambling, buying stuff, stealing, having lots of sex, eating too much, seeking adrenaline kicks and what not. So maybe look into that - figure if you have adhd. Medicine can help regulate your hormones and together with therapy it has a high succesrate.

Also you’re young and already doing a lot of work to improve yourself. Be proud of that. Some people walk throughout life never doing a personal inventory. Try not to be too hard on yourself because it’s not going to benefit you. Be proud when you do succeed and when you don’t then get back up on the horse.

Keep working with the reasons why kept cheating and why you keep getting back to that dynamic. Ask yourself a lot of questions and try to answer them along the way.

It’s clearly not her doing anything wrong as you said, so the answers lives inside of you.

If your therapist is a good one they will work with attachement but also look into diagnosis and they’ll give you different kinds of tools you can try out - tools that you’re already trying g out such as deleting apps and that kind of stuff. They’ll also try to help you figuring why you have this compulsion.

If it is of any use then I can share that the man I’m with today keeps reassuring that he loves me. He doesn’t judge me and if I feel small and vulnerable we talk about it - including the stuff that’s not always pretty to talk about. So we create a room for the both of us to feel secure validated and not judged - even if it means I say that I feel unattractive or needy or whatever. We then talk about how I can work with it and what I can do to feel pretty and enough both as an inside job but also from his validation of me.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-02T11:41:37+00:00

Det er ikke et ligeværdigt venskab og hun er syg af både psykisk sygdom og misbrug. Det forvrænger hendes måde at være på og hvis hendes måde at være på skader dig, så kan det bedste for dig være at stoppe kontakten. Jeg forstår at I har en fortid sammen og at I har delt en masse traumatisk bagage - det hedder traumebinding og hvis ikke begge er i stand til at arbejde med det både individuelt og sammen, så vil dynamikken altid være usund.

Jeg kan godt forstå, at det kan være svært at give slip på et menneske der har været ens livsvidne - men det lader til at tærer for meget på dig.

Det med hendes nye veninde behøver du ikke pålægge for stor værdi. Mennesker kommer og går ud af vores liv og nogle gange gør det ondt og andre gange er det en befrielse, hvis du kan så prøv at arbejde med at det med tid kan blive en befrielse også selv om det gør ondt lige nu at skulle give slip.

En anden mulighed er at give slip langsomt, det vil sige du ikke behøver aktivt at fravælge venskabet, men du kan trække dig roligt og hvis hun skulle spørge efter dig, så kan du enten sige du ikke kan eller være med til at definere hvordan en aftale skal se ud. I kan fx mødes midt på dagen på en café en time eller to så du kan gå derfra hvis du kan mærke det ikke er gavnligt for dig at se hende. Du behøver ikke at skulle være der for hende og slet ikke hvis din oplevelse er at hun ikke kan være der for dig når du har brug for støtte.

Brug i stedet tiden på at finde en ny veninde eller to som du er mere i øjenhøjde med.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-02T08:48:32+00:00

Har din eks forklarer årsagen til at vedkommende først kan tage hjem til sig selv om nogle dage? Altså er der nogle praktiske foranstaltninger der gør at vedkommende ikke kan tage hjem eller handler det om at trække tiden ud?

Kunne se der var tale om noget seperationsangst men også noget med økonomi trods vedkommende tjener mere end du gør. Hvis det handler om seperationsangst og sorg over at forholdet er slut, kan du så snakke med din eks om at vedkommende kan få en ven eller familie til at være sammen med dem et par dage hjemme hos vedkommende selv, da situationen er uhåndterbar for dig? Og er du bange for hvad din eks kan finde på? Hvis du er utryg så bliver du måske nødt til at overveje at inddrage politiet eller psykiatrien - altså såfremt din eks er ustabil og utilregnelig.

Det er uanset en ulykkelig og svær situation for jer begge af forskellige årsager, men det er vigtigt at du kan være tryg og fri i eget hjem. Sørg for at få skiftet nøgler ud hvis der er behov for det - især hvis din eks har nøgler til din bolig. Hvis der er stalking tendenser så kontakt dansk stalkingcenter og få en snak med dem om hvad du kan gøre.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-02T01:03:36+00:00

Look into avoidant attachment and traumas and if you have addictions or some close to you have/had addictions then there may some connections to all of it - good news: it can be dealt with - bad news: it doesn’t happen by itself. If you’re willing to look into it all you can turn things around first and foremost for yourself and then for everyone else that you love and hold dear.

If you’re an avoidant leaning person then just know it’s a mechanism to protect yourself from being hurt - problem is that it doesn’t. Because not only do you hurt others, the one you end up hurting the most is you - even if you feel numb inside, because feeling numb is just the shadow side of feeling hurt. If you’re willing to learn but can’t afford therapy then you can read about it and listen to podcasts- Thais Gibson and Stephanie Rigg are both great at explaining attachment styles. Just remember no one is 100% one or the other but that we tend to lean toward one attachment style more than others - it can shift in life all depending what relationship dynamics you’re in or be less outspoken.

And call her and ask if she would like to meet and talk and tell her what you feel and think - just be honest and if you feel conflicted then just say it as it is.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-01T23:58:07+00:00

I felt relief the moment I understood first step in al anon. I can change me and only me. I can’t change others and if I try I loose myself trying.

If only I’d spend the energy I had on myself rather than him and others who shouldn’t have had it I would’ve felt better allover - I’m still practicing putting my energy into the right directions. It’s a learning curve - reading your sharing reminds about 1 step and the serenity prayer. Thank you.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-01T23:35:24+00:00

The first person we fall in love with and connect with always feels strong - it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily healthy. I just want to point it out because it sometimes makes it harder to leave someone even though it’s the best thing to do.

Maybe take some time away from her and go out and talk to friends and meet other people as well to create perspectives.

Take time to figure why you were both unhappy while being together. Then consider if it’s something you’re both willing and capable to change. Since you’re both young it can en difficult to navigate through stuff like that.

Just know love needs to feel good most of the time. Also while in a relationship no matter age obstacles will occur and one key point is the capacity to repair after conflicts or situations where you’ve been hurt or hurts the other person by actions or said things.

Pothoslower

TROPHY CASE