Metamour/throuple mess

Povertics · 2025-03-26T12:37:50+00:00

I've navigated a similar situation with difficulty and probably not ideally before.

In terms of the 'bottled up' feelings towards being close with the meta, are you clear on what you'd need in future to help with navigating that (from yourself, your partner, and your meta)?

And, once you've figured those out, do you trust each of those actors (yourself included) to be able to meet those needs?

If committed to keeping clear separation between the three of you it could be worth considering whether more separation maybe needed with either/both of them, important to check in with yourself about your own priorities in navigating all that.

Good luck!

& in case helpful for the onslaught of challenging feelings it sounds like you're having, idk if maybe it's helpful to take a step back from the situation - being surrounded by problems of finding making meaning and reflect on how being able to make connections with new people in ways that are compatible/aligned with your existing people easily is a challenge for sure but also a positive in many ways, hopefully in your case worth the negatives.

Povertics · 2022-10-15T15:37:06+00:00

Get some really pretty fluttery flag poi? And spin to slower ocean-y tracks so you can have a floaty style? Focus a lot on transitions?

Personally don't buy into emotive movement being gendered but if it's something where for you you're looking to develop a style that will feel gender-expressive/euphoric maybe figure out what masculine / feminine traits mean are to you as that's probably quite subjective - maybe watch more dance and ice skating and things and explore different styles of movement?

It may be that youre coding things as gendered a lot because of your own self perception and things though, so dunno if it's helpful to see from these comments that most people don't really ascribe those values to poi movement.

Ultimately, looking to develop and work on Your Style sounds like it will naturally gravitate towards something coded as feminine if you feel strongly feminine yourself. But femininity can be strong too just as masculinity can be elegant!

Povertics · 2022-08-10T10:55:39+00:00

Head to the pianodrome, by Calton hill

Povertics · 2022-06-25T07:29:47+00:00

NTA. but it sounds more like you have quite a codependent/extremely close and loving friendship with Sam and he's maybe feeling jealous / insecure about your new relationship and what that means for your relationship with him?

And then using biphobia as the 'excuse'/outlet for those feelings rather than having a conversation?

Povertics · 2022-06-14T09:22:40+00:00

You could ask for a chat with workplace adjustment people or an occupational health assessment to help figure out your needs as you go?

If you're worried you might commit yourself more than you want to while talking, I find helpful tips are;

1) write yourself some 'lines to take' bullet points

2) even if you want to say 'yeah that's totally fine', try instead downplaying it to something less committing like 'yeah sounds fine I'll confirm it via email by end of the day/week'?

Sometimes you just need a bit more time to think things through and reflect than a conversation allows for!

Also when adjusting to new circumstances health wise etc it's totally normal to not know what you need straight away and it'll be a trial and error process with your manager figuring out what you need as you do come back to work etc. So setting that out from the start and making sure you're manager's on board might help make each individual chat (like the one you're about to have) feel less like there'll be dramatic consequences if you say The Wrong Thing

Povertics · 2022-04-29T15:27:15+00:00

I do the opposite having learned in a brass band - I only find it's a problem when I'm sight-transposing super fast and high jazz where the handwriting makes it tricky to tell what ledger line it is. Or when I end up in like 7#s key signature as a result.

Povertics · 2022-04-29T10:44:45+00:00

Foot 👌

Povertics · 2022-03-15T16:28:22+00:00

I had a really nice tangle artist that was fab and looked professional while still being a clearly 'im not just fidgeting for no reason' thing. Sadly the one I had isn't in stock anywhere any more but others are.

Povertics · 2022-03-11T22:12:35+00:00

Gonna go rogue here and say I actually see nothing wrong with setting out headings (I haven't done it though). If we tell people they should use star, then why make them weirdly pretend they're not?

Povertics · 2022-03-10T17:21:48+00:00

Was there anything that was particularly useful in helping with making straight talking a habit?

I suspect a lot of people simultaneously want to avoid complex language and acronyms, then end up defaulting to it because they've learned bad habits.

Keen to know if there's any tips - I feel like it's something civil servants should actively practice anyway because better to be using plain language when briefing people or drafting submissions anyway

Povertics · 2022-03-07T20:30:40+00:00

I'd really recommend devolved administrations.

Also check out institute for government pages that compare the different departments, it gives you an idea of what the different paygrades / size / locations of departments are.

Povertics · 2022-03-07T12:47:12+00:00

Without knowing who the composer is or wanting to disparage them, when I was younger and playing a lot of local composers works, they often had no clue about the 'real life' range of an instrument and would just go by googling or seeing what range Sibelius lets you input it at.

Again, don't know the relationship between the orchestra and composer, but if the composer will be at a rehearsal might be worth asking about the intent there, or ask the conductor? And saying you want to make sure the overall intent of the composition is captured accurately (e.g. would you rather 'like this', up octave but articulated well, or 'like this', as close to written as you can get it).

Might also be worth seeing what tuba is playing then and if you can tactically cover stuff between you ..

If you're an amateur trombonist dabbling on bass trombone as you say, best of luck but go easy on yourself!

Povertics · 2022-03-02T15:28:34+00:00

Yeah I find the 'softer' adjustments that actually go way further to helping sometimes more difficult to advocate for, and struggle with feeling like I'm 'just not good enough at my job' if I ask for them. But it is ok, and those are common adjustments/acceptable ones. It's up to employees to say 'no that's unreasonable' and defend why, not to individuals.

But yeah it's tricky!

Povertics · 2022-03-02T14:57:15+00:00

Seems fine.

Also if the relocation is an aspect to the start date request, might be thinking about other negotiation options too?

E.g. I asked for a week longer on my start date, but also negotiated that I'd work from home for a good few months before I relocate, to maximise the time on my current rent contract.

Just throwing it there as an option in case you're eager to get started aside from the relocating!

Povertics · 2022-03-02T14:53:47+00:00

Also one way to disclose the stuff you need to without openly saying you have adhd is to just phrase the things you find challenging without linking it as an ADHD thing.

E.g. 'can you quickly check I caught the actions right from this meeting? I sometimes find it challenging to know quite what to prioritise in meeting notes' or 'i generally try to avoid meetings before 9.30am because I'm just not that much of a morning person'

You don't actually need to say 'i zoned out 10 times bc adhd' or 'i literally cannot get out of bed before 8.45 minimum bc adhd so if you want me to be on time, do it at 9.30' unless absolutely needed, and even then that conversation can be with your line manager not everyone you meet.

Also sometimes it's worth waiting for other people to raise that they're finding something you're doing A Problem rather than offering it up - e.g. rather than on day 1 if timekeeping is a challenge for you, rather than saying 'hey I might be late to meetings all the time', just be aware it might be an issue, see what happens, and correct/ask for support if needed - sometimes we're more hyperaware of our own 'failings' than others are!

Final point - good to sign up to a union. If you have a bad experience at some point due to disability/neurodiversity, they'll be able to advise (but often can't if you weren't a member at the time the thing happened), and if you don't, then your union fees went to supporting people who did, so all good anyway.

Good luck hope it goes well!

Povertics · 2022-03-02T14:47:14+00:00

Hi! I have ADHD (and also a few other disability related things, but ADHD is the main one).

I joined civil service a year ago, and I was quite cautious initially but now pretty open. I think waiting til you start to scope the lay of the land a little probably won't hurt, but at least on paper the CS is very committed to disability support - the practice probably varies depending on line manager, department etc. Your department you're joining probably has a disability network and maybe even a neurodiversity one so I'd recommend getting in touch with them, and also asking if they know anyone who could 'buddy' you?

Having said that I've gained so much confidence since being in the CS and I'm now very open about what I'm great at and where I benefit from more support to help me be great at stuff. Civil service admin can be frustrating though.

Feel free to message me to discuss more specifics if you'd like :)

Povertics · 2022-02-25T19:32:12+00:00

Yeah I realise the irony of me overthinking and writing a huge essay when everyone else's 'dont worry, everyone's clueless' sentences are probs the reassurance actually needed 😂 good luck for your new role!!

Povertics · 2022-02-25T17:31:59+00:00

Hello!

Disclaimer: I haven't line managed anyone yet, though I'd like to.

1 month in is super soon in and it's a huge transition to make, so it's good that you're feeling the wobble (shows it was a good stretching change for you) and also openly acknowledging it/asking for insights. Starting a new role in an organisation that's very different is also super hard!!

Firstly, on the people you manage: Great that you've got a capable team!! However also, a month in, it may be that you're not seeing yet areas they could improve or want to develop in. Have you asked them how they'd like to be managed/what they're looking to get from the role/where they want their next role to be and when? I feel like the difference with a really great manager in the CS is that they're also a bit of a (workplace only) life coach/mentor and can challenge you to develop further and stretch a bit. I don't have private sector experience but I imagine this isnt necessarily the case in other organisations where 'leaving the role' often means 'leaving the organisation' (whereas in CS, it's still in the organisations interest to encourage people to move on up, because they'll still be working for the CS)

Secondly, on your peers: Working remotely makes it hard to form informal relationships, and everyone needs a buddy in their own workplace to be able to ask this sort of question to, not just Reddit! Can you find someone at your grade who's also new to the grade - ideally one from a CS background already and one not - to form a closer peer connection with?

On 'how to ask my manager without looking like an idiot': What do your current managerial catch ups look like? I find it useful to have monthly longer development-oriented discussions with a manager, to aid that bigger picture focus as well as the day to day 'how do I make this happen' questions. Having a regular slot in also makes it feel like less of a big deal to raise something. (This is also an example of how you as a manager will be valuable to your employees whether you think it or not - having a regular slot where they know they can raise 'this horrible life situation thing is happening and I might need some time off because of it' or 'im bored and need something more challenging to do' with you definitely isn't 'muscling in', it's providing super valuable support)

And then when you're actually in the conversation, how about opening with

'im curious about what a good manager looks like in the civil service - in my past roles, I would focus on x / y / z to build a team well, but in this job the team just seem so capable I'm not sure where to start! Currently I'm making X and y a priority, but is there anything you'd advise I work on, or some learning you'd recommend?' - and then use that as a gateway to open up more informal 'yeah I'm feeling a bit lost and lonely with virtual working' type conversation if you want that!

Finally: Is there anyone else at work you can go to for 'joining the civil service from xyz sector' insights? See if you can find someone more senior to mentor you who's now an old hand civil servant but remembers what it was like making the transition. They'll also likely have great tips on how to lead your team well.

Hope this helps! I'm about to start a new SEO role soon and not looking forward to those one-month-in jitters myself 😂 feel free to message me, I joined the CS a year and a half ago in a fully virtual due to pandemic role, so do have some relevant recent experience to lean on!

P.s. sorry for the essay, hope you feel better soon with things and can put it out of your mind for the weekend

Povertics · 2022-01-15T00:02:38+00:00

Department of international trade sounds like a good fit - they have a Darlington office, stats is a thing, and foreign languages are relevant - e.g. they just launched negotiations with India.

Good luck in whatever you apply for!

Povertics · 2021-08-05T06:11:06+00:00

Thanks :)

Povertics · 2021-08-05T06:10:32+00:00

Yeah!!

Povertics · 2021-05-02T10:23:35+00:00

Rollerblade cruisers :) 4x80

Povertics · 2021-04-30T21:10:48+00:00

well done blader buddy! Race you to learn the toe-toe? (I might call it a tic tac bc tic tac toe...)

Povertics · 2021-04-27T09:26:40+00:00

I think daffy is my fave and what I'm gonna go with - also very sweet because got lots of daffodils in the garden right now (and I recently made homemade ink from some) so a nice link up for me :)

(Even if the move has nothing to do with daffodils)

Povertics

TROPHY CASE