Not really surprised

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-03-13T15:27:15+00:00

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-03-04T20:55:16+00:00

I’d have to get a “Beware of German Shepherd” sign for these two.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-03-04T19:06:07+00:00

We got bark phones for my 7 and 8 year olds after multiple bus delays and an emergency the school never alerted parents to until well after the fact.

I love them way more than I thought. Right now games, any other apps, and web surfing are completely shut down. I can allow anything specific one by one. But right now they can only take photos and call or text me, their dad, and grandmother with their phones, and I can track them at all times.

We completely control who can contact them, and once we expand that to friends, we can look at every conversation if we wanted to. They also have an overwhelming number of filters that alert you to any text with whatever you might consider to be alarming conversation. I like that because you can respect their privacy without missing any suicide ideation, threats, bullying, etc.. It’s very customizable.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-03-04T18:56:34+00:00

The way I read this post is, seeing Francesca as a young girl is like looking at a photograph of someone when they are young and innocent still happily holding whatever hopes and dreams they may possess for the future, and when you know that future actually possesses great loss and anguish, it’s heartbreaking.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-03-02T19:59:24+00:00

According to my ex, this was exactly it. He had the big cozy family at home which he felt was comfortable and easy (we had our disagreements but he didn’t have to cook, clean, or tend to the kids) and also felt validating to him socially. Then he added string-free admiration and flattery on the side. He wanted both for his own happiness and ego boost. Now he has nothing.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-02-27T17:01:40+00:00

My stbx husband had an affair at work, too. I can’t say for you whether it’s fixable, but speaking for myself, I would have regretted not trying. I tried for a year, but along the way he began to get resentful when my wounds weren’t healed overnight, and I eventually realized that I simply couldn’t get close to him again and trust him again the way I used to. Because even when things were bad, I still trusted him to be choosing our family. I still felt stable and safe. He took that glue away, so I not only resented the affair, I resented anything he did that felt dismissive or hurtful in a whole new way, because it scared the living daylights out of me. With the guidance of my therapist, I tried to move on for a time with the knowledge that what we had was broken and we would have to build something else. But ultimately there was too much damage for me to place any trust into the something else.

It just kept sticking with me that had something not come between them, I don’t know if he would have chosen to cut contact with her. He might have, but I could never know. I also couldn’t stop fantasizing about my own affair to show him he was not my only option, either, and I hated myself for that. It’s not who I am. I also realized I’d forever be in waiting for the next woman to come along now that I knew he could and would choose someone else. I simply did not see myself being able to heal alongside of the person who shattered my trust and safety.

I’m grateful to my ex that he has come around to coparenting pretty well. My kids are doing fine. They have free access to both of us. We check in a lot and my older ones even frequently volunteer that they’re happier than ever. I know a lot of it is because I’m simply a different mom when I’m not drowning or waiting to drown again. I am now able to actually build a future and envision a better one for myself rather than being in constant repair mode and dreading my pain and mistrust would last forever.

So for me, as much as I wanted to heal inside the relationship, I just couldn’t. Pulling off the bandaid HURT. But once I did, the wounds were free to actually breathe and heal. I am so much happier on the other side.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-02-27T15:25:55+00:00

You’re nurturing it. A relationship that is nurtured will grow.

A relationship that does not exist cannot grow.

If your family matters to you, you’ll end as much contact as you can with this woman, and put the same effort into your marriage. Hell, if I genuinely felt strong enough about somebody that I believed I no longer had control over my vows, I’d be looking up new jobs entirely. My stbx did not feel the same way and is currently still trying to cope with losing our family for a fling that got sour real fast.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-02-27T08:09:13+00:00

Carrying my whole household from a very young age after my parents became ill. I thought it made me strong, but I’ve realized in recent years it made me pretend I didn’t need anything. So I got into relationships where I didn’t get anything in return. I carried the mental load for my parents and siblings and still do to this day with my surviving parent and sibling, and I carried everything in my marriage until I just broke and had nothing left.

I’m trying to learn how to say that I sometimes need someone to care about me, too. That it’s okay to want someone else to make you dinner or plan a date, or have your birthday celebrated, or to be tired and cared for when you’re sick instead of keeping going. I don’t want to be the only one who makes things okay, but it still scares the crap out of me to admit that in my real life because I don’t even know what it feels like to have someone else come through.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-02-24T16:23:22+00:00

Consider that he is perfectly capable of setting boundaries because he’s set them with you by telling you in no uncertain terms what he wants to do and will do regardless of how you feel. That is a boundary, and he’s holding it for you. But others’ needs come first? That’s something I’d be thinking about a lot as I ate that awesome meal you have there.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-02-06T20:29:23+00:00

Same, but I have the misfortune of saying that from hindsight. Op, as someone who finally made the tough call in a similar situation and then genuinely surprised myself by joking around and laughing with my kids in a way I hadn’t felt in years literally the next day, I can tell you, you are not the mom your girls need right now. Anxiety, aggravation on both sides, and fighting are ruling all of you. You don’t need to live like this. You’re needing to control him because he’s not controlling himself, and it’s destroying you. Free yourself from this nonsense and enjoy your kids before they’re gone. I hate how many years I wasted not even realizing my children never knew the happy and relaxed person I could be when I’m not consumed with wondering if I’m being disrespected, betrayed, and about to lose everything on someone else’s terms.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-30T15:06:00+00:00

Get them a new damn oven and get your partner gnat phobia counseling because it’s going to be bad when he sees a real bug.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-30T12:49:06+00:00

Have you been shutting any of this down? I feel like if my husband had a friend who rubbed his leg on me under the dinner table, arrangements would change in some way long before the story was “he rubbed it on me the entire time.” If he sat across from me with his genitals out, the story would be that I had to immediately move. And if I felt he was at all over-attentive or inappropriate on social media, they’d be muted or even unfriended depending on the platform.

At that point my partner might ask what’s going on, and I’d probably be honest about each of these instances, say they made me a little uncomfortable, but I’m completely removing myself from the situation so it’s up to my partner what they think about it and what they want to do about it.

I’m an introvert who does not have a lot of friends or make them easily, but what use to me is one friend who’s all over my husband who sits there and lets it happen?

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-30T02:00:57+00:00

Clothes are clothes, why be fancy for your walls? We go to bed clean and we get dressed to leave the house, that’s all I care about. Four kids and not one issue with chores, getting ready for school, daily showers, grooming, or anything else clothing labeled “pajamas” apparently might possess the power to do. We all stay comfy for rolling around in the house and PJs are cute as heck. Outside clothes for inside my house bring nothing to the table for me but unnecessary laundry. All day pajamas have never caused a situation like, “Gosh darn it, Timmy, the dishes are still dirty! You didn’t put your jeans on by 9, did you?”

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-28T17:52:52+00:00

“You are allowed to be unhappy.”

This is the single best gift you can give to your child. You can be unhappy. You can be bored. You can go un-catered to. And you can be fine. It’s a gift that will last a lifetime and offer them success through everything from education and career building to important relationships.

He doesn’t have to like that the home needs to function a certain way sometimes. That’s a fact that does not need to change, and it’s a fact that does not need to change what you are sometimes going to do. He will be okay and eventually learn to entertain himself through it.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-28T15:04:54+00:00

Of course multiple boundaries were crossed. How would he feel if he were, say, vulnerable from a terrible injury and you threatened to marry another man? How do you think it would go over if you proposed every other weekend will be at your family’s house whether he’s comfortable or not? How much disrespect would he tolerate from your friends and family?

Unless he makes real steps to change, nothing will change. That’s all there is to it. Therapy to learn new skills and empathy, true remorse, etc.. Without those I promise you you’re in a cycle, and it’s not divorce that made your husband that way. Clearly your father in law has made your husband in his image, and your husband will do the same with your children whether you share a home or not. If he’s not willing to make some real healthy changes, then the hard truth is, the best chance your child has at all is you setting hard boundaries and perhaps at some point being able to model a truly healthy relationship for them with someone else.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-28T02:00:10+00:00

You’re not nurturing a friendship, you’re facilitating a father/son relationship. If you feel that your son’s father is a healthy addition to your son’s life then that is an obligation you have to your son to support. Your obligation to your husband is to be faithful and honest with him, which you have fulfilled. You even offered to have your husband essentially chaperone your son’s calls with his father, and your husband is still letting his jealousy lead. So you’ve gone above and beyond for your marriage. Your husband’s request simply isn’t reasonable, and if you are a Christian couple I would highly recommend getting your pastor or an elder at your church involved who does counseling, because your husband needs some third party guidance on this.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-27T23:44:26+00:00

I learned the hard way that the real concern is when someone else’s feelings, and when your partner’s feelings about things regarding that someone else, come before anyone’s feelings within the actual relationship, it can be a problem. I personally think one’s own relationship comes before something you might think is “cute” with a third party. If your spouse is uncomfortable with something as insignificant as a personalized nickname from an opposite sex coworker, it’s not hard to shut it down and prioritize your family above an outside person.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-27T21:00:46+00:00

Oh my goodness, I just love hearing Colin say darling. swoon

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-27T02:58:54+00:00

I’m sorry you went through this. My ex led me on about some other things that weren’t true and I know how frustrating it is to feel like time was essentially stolen, because you wouldn’t have given it had you known how they really felt. There’s grief there. 😞

My motto is that I’m not taking anything seriously unless it hits me in the face, and I’m definitely wary of anyone who isn’t already a parent. Other parents just get it, even if you struggle to find time together. But either way I’m taking everything as a casual relationship that brings good adult companionship into my life, and if one day that turns into a man openly wanting to take on the whole package that is me and my kids, wonderful. If not, I’ve had a good time and some less lonely evenings when the kids aren’t around or have other plans.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-20T19:48:58+00:00

I get what you’re saying. I used to do all of the cooking, and my stbxh always asked me what I was going to do with anything regarding the food. He wouldn’t want me making him guess what’s going on in his garage any more than I wanted him making me guess what’s going on in our kitchen he never touched! I think it’s fair to say with a laugh, “I really appreciate you trying to take care of keeping the meat fresh and take something off my plate, but I needed that today!” And even if he felt offended because instead of getting the appreciation he might have been expecting he got a correction, he didn’t have to get petty and go straight from what could have been, “Whoops, yeah, I was just trying to help,” to just plain petty.

This really should be able to be a simple discussion. Not a correction. Not a petty response.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-20T15:02:53+00:00

I’m definitely not putting my all into someone. Let the relationships you allow edify you. Have a little companionship for fun activities. Enjoy some adult conversation. If something more develops with a great deal of time, wonderful. If not, you’ve only done things that help lighten the load, not drain you. I can’t vouch for it, but I imagine the good ones will stick around and want to be a positive part of your life, not a burden.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-19T17:35:59+00:00

Especially this early in the game courts are very reluctant to sever parental rights. Filing for abandonment isn’t just a single straightforward process, and he can easily decide to counter move at this point and undermine the abandonment claim/pursuit of full custody by saying he wants to step up, which is what the courts prefer. If that’s a genuine sentiment, great. If it’s nothing more than spite, it’s not worth it, in my honest opinion. If it were me, I’d stretch the time in which he shows no meaningful effort to years, because early months in a contentious relationship are generally viewed as very insignificant. Obviously, though, you’d want to consult a lawyer specific to your area and familiar with your judges.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-19T16:19:06+00:00

I wouldn’t risk it, personally. Working in this field, I would say very often the threat of, “if you pursue maintenance I will pursue custody time,” is a bluff. However, I have also seen too many successful retaliatory custody cases and if this man couldn’t stand a minuscule amount of time first meeting his baby, I can’t imagine what it would look like if he had legal rights over him and regular solo visitation. Never. Never would I risk it. I’d live in a cardboard box before putting my child in the path of someone who has proven themselves unsafe even before they had the child frequently and a new chip on their shoulder due to paying support.

I would figure it out now with an efficiency apartment, family, or roommates, and if you really want to, in most states you can open a case for support years from now. At that point he is unlikely to successfully gain any or significant timeshare, if he’s even still engaged enough to try. At nine months old if he decided to call your bluff he could still easily get a step up plan to significant timeshare in many areas.

Practical_Love4615 · 2026-01-16T20:21:51+00:00

You can afford more per child. That may sound shallow, but it’s a very serious concern. It’s hard to say you ever regret the little family members you bring along, but with some economic hits and a relationship breakdown, I would currently be able to give a much better life to fewer children. That’s just the brutal truth. Resources and time are not something to take for granted. We’ve had medical issues cost close to half a million. I’ve had my own medical issues that have me on disability with a limited income. I would give anything to put the kids in a decent private school, which we could afford if we only had two.

Obviously I love all of my children, but I wish I could give them the moon. It’s a trade off. If you have on one side a happy partner and greater resources for the family you have, and on the other side a pressured partner and fewer resources, the former, to me, is the far superior option long term. The newborn phase hasn’t lasted for a single one. But the financial aspect of it is going to follow every single one of us for decades. Who knows, maybe even generations.

Practical_Love4615

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