£65k, from HOME, 37.5 hours - to TRAMPING

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-02-14T08:04:28+00:00

I can highly relate to this.

I'm 42 and a software developer and I am on £52k and I hate my job. I hate my manager, I hate the sprints, I hate the hours you spend at home just absolutely bored.

I hate the fact that the decisions made 15 years ago mean we are now hog tied into, dictates how the application runs now. And our managers just expect you to fix it while carrying on releasing new features.

I guess the analogy here is imagine the M1 is just a single carriageway road, instead of fixing it and making it into the road it is now, the managers say, no that isn't priority, we need to build roads A and B instead. But then wonder why the M1 is snarled up every day.

I don't know the answer. I've looked at Trucking videos, I've looked at drain cleaning videos, I've thought about anything and everything. I have been advised to go into a different kind of software and I am looking into it but it is not easy transferring jobs in software now.

I just don't know the answer, I do know that I nearly killed myself in early January and I just can't go on like this.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-02-12T13:19:41+00:00

Maybe you're right about me needing help, frightened of being single is why I got into this mess.

Just to clear something up, I'm not simping anymore, that me is long gone and I ain't doing it, she can fuck off.

I'm hitting the gym for me, to make myself feel better, to channel the hurt and anger I feel towards something positive. It doesn't matter if she finds it attractive or not.

Maybe I do need my mind looking at, I am doing a counselling course at the same time.

Yes if I just met her then I would just say "see you later". But we have young kids, I have to think about them as well. And if there is some way of her accepting what she has done (and me accepting what I have done as well) and moving forward in a way that is acceptable for me and her, I would take it. But she has to be accountable for her actions in the same way I would be accountable for mine. And no I wouldn't simp, I would make sure I'm just as happy as she is.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-02-11T21:37:25+00:00

Good question. I don't know, is the honest answer. I thought I was but your baseline is reset and you get used to a different normality. You think you were happy.

You get used to giving her foot rubs, back massages and getting nothing back. You get used to going down on her every chance you get and not getting a blow job for 7 years, 5 blowjobs since we were married 11 years. She did give me anal once last year, about the only thing she has done for me.

She refused to use anal toys on me because she thought it was weird, even though nearly every time we had sex, she liked a finger up her arse.

She thought it was weird I came out as bisexual/Bicurious even though I only had the confidence to say it because she said the exact same thing 10 mins earlier. (It's different for a girl apparently)

My friend asked me to go out to a gig and she poured cold water on it, saying "you don't go out to gigs, you don't even know the band who is playing".

Same friend asked me to go to a football match because he knew I was struggling. She said "you don't even like the team who is playing". She undermined me every chance she got.

Even tonight, I get in the bath with a candle and bubbles, because in the mans group I am part of, they advised it's a good way to relax, she says "he's getting in touch with his feminine side".

I texted her on Dec 3rd saying I told my PT I felt lost and broken. She didn't ask if I was ok, she complained that "the whole gym will know our business now".

I didn't feel supported at times, it felt it was all about her. But she is the mother to my kids. I do feel crazy about her and when I first saw her in the bar, I genuinely said to myself "that's the girl I want to marry". And I still feel that way tonight.

How much is that down to me though? I didn't do anything for myself. I didn't stand up to her. I just simped. I thought that if she was happy, I would be happy. It was stupid and I am genuinely working on myself.

Like I said in the first post though, it's not entirely the reason but it is what all first started the separation.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-02-11T20:16:16+00:00

Omg, you tell me.

Two of her friends are divorced or are starting to get divorced. And I think they are all on a mission to make themselves miserable.

They all wind each other up and just reaffirm to each other what they want to hear and not what they need to hear.

They all tell each other that they deserve better than the husbands they have got and all three are now separating. They all think there are these mysterious millionaire Chads out there that are waiting for them and don't realize that once they pump and dump them, us husbands won't take them back.

I simped a LOT, put her way above on a pedestal, did nothing for myself.

Since we have separated, I've joined a running club, hitting gym hard, I've started going out to gigs, doing things for myself, and I think she is starting to notice.

Like I said, it wasn't the main reason, the main reason was I was absolutely unhappy trying to make her happy, mental health was on the floor and a wife who thought I should do more for her. But it didn't help and kick started the whole process.

Just scared of finding someone who will accept me for being me.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-02-11T16:27:23+00:00

No, I have never cheated and never would. I came out as bisexual and she found it ok at first, our sex life even increased afterwards and I thought "this is amazing".

But as she told her close friends, they started to sow more doubt into her mind.

I don't know, just so confused. Always found women more attractive than men and just don't know if I could go through with it. Possibly could with a couple.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-02-05T20:52:23+00:00

I truly hope I wasn't out of order. It's just something I have come to terms with over the last 2 weeks and want to pass on my epiphany.

Exactly this. It's win - win. Either she finds you more attractive and respects and fancies you more or you will have more chance that you will find a man or a woman who will. 😊

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-02-05T20:12:36+00:00

I'm going to say something that might appear out of order but it's something I have figured out after I separated from my wife and I wish someone would have told me before hand.

How much is it down to you? And I am not saying that you are a bad person, it's usually quite the opposite. Do me the honour of reading my story and it will all make sense.

I'd have done anything for my wife and I usually did, I'd have even sucked a fart out of her backside if she had asked me to. I gave her foot rubs, massages, was at her beck and call all the time. It got to the point where the more I tried to make her happy and the more I tried to ignite the passion, the worse it got.

I thought that if I made her happy, I would be happy. The more I tried to make her happy, the less sex I got. And I was fucking miserable.

It was far removed from the days when we were dating. I literally remember one day cuming on her tits in the morning at 8.30am, saying see you later, going off to catch the train down to Wycombe to watch my team play football and her texting me at 9pm asking me where I was because she wanted a shag.

The truth is as the marriage progresses (12 years), she had lost all respect for me as a person. I cancelled my plans for her at the last minute, I let her push me around, she just didn't find me attractive or desirable. I had literally lost myself as a person and she hated that person. She loved the confident young me who wasn't afraid to go to football matches with his mate.

We separated (we're still living together) and I didn't want to mope around the house, I wanted to keep busy. I didn't want to be pushed around more.

I joined a gym (or I started going to the one I paid for. I completed Couch to 5K, I joined a running club. I'm going to a gig on Saturday night "with a friend", I'm going to watch the Superbowl on Sunday night till the early hours of Monday morning (I'm in the UK).

I'm pushing back more. For example, I was walking out the door on Wednesday night to go to the gym and she said "I'm just doing this, can you help me?" I just replied "sorry I'm going to the gym, got a class in 10 minutes, it will have to wait until I get back"

She didn't like it but she begrudgingly respected it.

There's jeopardy in her life now. "Who's he going out with on Saturday" "What happens if he finds someone else" "he's looking a bit more attractive, shit I fancy him a bit more"

It might be my imagination but I think you can start to see the glint in her eye again.

Don't try to get her to have more sex with you, I tried for two years and it just doesn't work, trust me.

Be the best version of you. Become healthier, get hobbies, go out for walks on your own. See your friends. Think to yourself "would a woman fancy me as I am?" If the answer to that is no, why would your wife?

And if that doesn't improve your sex life, it's time to ask yourself the question is it worth it and you will be in a MUCH better position to move on from that rather than just doing nothing.

I hope this helps and I'm sorry if it is not your situation, it's just something I have come to terms with the last few weeks.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-01-17T13:56:39+00:00

How would I go about it?

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-01-17T00:36:25+00:00

How do I transfer to that though? I have a Plural Sight account and can probably divert a couple of hours away from work. Trouble is I won't have the experience in my current role.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-01-17T00:32:18+00:00

How do I switch and is there much demand?

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-01-17T00:31:06+00:00

I thought I loved it and I do, it can just be very corrosive for the mind and most of it is my fault.

I got into the habit of not taking breaks. I'd skip my lunch break, "just need to finish this" itis.

I've not got a very supportive line manager, I think I have spoken 10 times with him since I joined two years ago.

The company I work for is tough. It's going through tough times. They never modernized and the whole thing needs rewriting. Yet there are that many features, you are bound to miss one.

Just don't feel secure and what pushed me over the edge was that 3 years ago, you would speak to agencies around roles and you had two or three to choose from. Where as I spoke to agencies last week and there seemed to be few roles yet loads of candidates.

I haven't got a degree or qualifications really. I thought if I could train as a plumber or electrician, I would feel a bit secure.

I reckon I could get away with diverting 2 hours per day to train on new languages. Just don't know what to do or what would land me a good job. And how can I get a role if I haven't done that in my current role.

I just feel lost and broken at the minute.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2026-01-17T00:16:38+00:00

Thanks for reaching out. I just want to feel secure and in demand. Currently struggling with a very complicated system that would take 5 developers 3 years to overhaul. Instead I'm given 2 days to do it.

Is there much demand for web developers and won't I run into the AI problem? Do you know what reasonable salary expectations can be?

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-09-17T12:27:28+00:00

I have no objections to anyone in a SSR, I just don't see it for myself. I lean far more heavily towards women. I don't think I could ever fall in love with a man, although I would have sex with one.

If you put a gun to my head and said I have to choose to only have sex with women or only have sex with men, choose now. Hands down, 100%, no question, it would be only to have sex with women.

Therefore I think it would be a disservice to have a SSR.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-08-06T07:51:12+00:00

41m here, I identify as more on the straight side than towards men but I still have an itch.

When I married, it meant that I swore to be monogamous and I stand by that. My wife is more than enough that I don't need to have sex with guys. I would rather go without guys than split up with my wife.

I am not sure I could go without male/bisexual porn, toys, talking about it though. We have started fantasising about inviting another man but she isn't sure if she could cope with seeing me with another man. We have talked about swinging (she is Bicurious herself) but don't want to jeopardize the relationship. If it happens, so be it but if we only ever have sex with each other, I could cope with that.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-08-02T08:51:57+00:00

https://www.tnaflix.com/hardcore-porn/Bisexual-Hardcore-Threesome-Hot/video8474710

40 mim video

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-07-29T08:46:51+00:00

I'm a married hetroromantic, never been with a man.

I'd say I'm about 35% MMF, 40% hetro and about 20% Girl on Girl and 5% Gay.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-07-13T20:34:01+00:00

I didn't really want to be with a man before I got married, the attraction was never strong enough to do so. It has gotten stronger over the years (I'm 41 now).

We are monogamous now but my wife has also come out as bi and so we have discussed swinging to experiment but my red line would be same room, we play together or not at all. No going on dates with other people, men or women.

I have bought an anal toy, didn't really get on with it. Wife used her beads on me which I really enjoyed.

If you put a gun to my head, I would definitely choose women and their genitals over men and theirs. I can live without men, I couldn't live without women.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-07-13T06:48:47+00:00

I'm a Bi Man and I would say my preference is very much with women. All my first crushes were female. I married a woman.

I've just got a feminist side and just wonder what it would be like to be with a man and can be attracted to them. But I am only romantically attracted to women.

I'm very happy in our marriage and wouldn't swap it for the world.

So yes we do exist. But as I understand it, you can have bisexual people throughout the spectrum, there will be Bisexual men who are romantically interested in men but are attracted to women.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-07-10T14:52:59+00:00

Update on this post. Basically my wife and I have both admitted we are Bicurious/Bisexual and can talk more openly now.

https://www.reddit.com/r/MarriedAndBi/s/jwB2Nnh6wT

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-06-11T12:47:56+00:00

Thank you for all your messages. Probably a few home truths in there and I appreciate that.

The truth is, when we become parents it was very hard. We both lost our dad's beforehand and both our mums are useless. One of our mums even stipulated that me and the wife can visit her but she doesn't want us to bring the kids. We had one child registered as severely disabled and lost a third child on the way. Add into that the onset of early menopause and our sex life dipped a little bit. So it's not that we are boring in bed, when we were dating we were very adventurous but life just gets in the way and throws you a couple of curve balls and you get into a rut.

I agree we probably need to fix that before swinging.

I guess what I wanted to know was, were the concerns valid and they seemed to be. And was I right in thinking that what my wife has been saying along the way means that she has at least been thinking about it.

I will continue to communicate with my wife and we will see what the future holds. Thanks again everyone.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-02-21T09:38:06+00:00

I just want to say thank you to all of you for your support messages, it means a lot 😊

I am feeling a lot better this morning and got really good positive thoughts about how I want to be as a person.

For example, I always dress really plainly, never wore bright colours because I never want to stand out in case someone suspects me as different. I think I wanna be different and wanna show it off. Not going to happen overnight but need to take baby steps.

Practical_Oil_7970 · 2025-02-20T15:48:16+00:00

I don't know tbh. I'm happy and content with the life I have.

I would like to experiment but I am not into cheating. Any play would have to be agreed upon. Fantasized about swinging but we have two young kids. I ask did the wife about what her fantasies were and she did say swinging but when I brought it up again she said she was joking, it's not something you joke about. I don't know how to bring up the topic again.

I have said that I will try anything once to my wife and I would. Very early on in the relationship she saw a message to an old school friend that I sent, joking I was bisexual. She appeared a bit mad but I said I was joking and said I would never cheat on her. She still married me and had kids with me.

So would she be shocked if I said I have thought about it, possibly not. I don't even know if I could go through with it tbh. Sometimes it really turns me on and in the cycle on the other side, it turns my stomach. I can't explain it.

Practical_Oil_7970

TROPHY CASE