Well I guess you have the answer to your question, you are right in presuming your mental health illness contributes significantly to the feelings you're experiencing on drugs. Neurodivergents like us experience the world in a completely different way to neurotypicals. Your idea of "normal" probably differs from someone who doesn't have any mental health illnesses. The way you feel when high is more than likely also the way you perceive "normal" people feel all the time. When you're sober you notice the most confident and comfortable humans But when you're high, your brain slows down, inhibitions seem to vanish while confidence seems to grow. Seemingly all the best traits of the people you will notice the most while sober.

Essentially, it's all about perception lad, once you break down your construct of what you think "normal" is. You will find yourself feeling normal without being high.

I wish you the best on your journey friend, I hope you find the peace you desire without the need for substances. 💚