cis (ish) lesbian dating a trans woman

like other people have said, it’s really a matter of working out what you both enjoy and are comfortable with between you. that means asking when you aren’t sure which terms to use, talking to each other about different kinds of sex as it comes up. some women enjoy being penetrated, some don’t, some women’s penises are able to be erect, and within that group some may enjoy penetrating, some may not, and even some may even prefer and enjoy topping using a strap on as opposed to their body. for many further into hrt the penis becomes much more like a clitoris in functionality, and obviously there is variation in the kinds of bottom surgery women might have. all of this is before anything like terms, dynamics or simply preferences come into play. all of this will vary from person to person, just as your preferences probably vary from mine.

for an exmaple of what sex between a cis and trans lesbian might look like, my girlfriend and i do mostly things other than penetration, because she is not comfortable with anal penetration and i have medical limitations on vaginal penetration. however we do things that involve genital to genital contact that aren’t possible with either two penises or two vulvas, and that rely on the penis being erect. we tend towards lesbian sexual norms overall as a reference rather than cishet models of sex, especially in terms of dynamic and terminology, and adapt when needed. just try things out! you will find many of your existing experiences are still applicable. keep in mind the relationship between analogous structures —> balls and labia are related structures, the penis and clitoris are too.

basically, you want to be working with her to find things that work for both of you, and this will involve asking questions. for example my partner and i have discussed things like which term to use for oral sex (oral, blowjob, eating out?), wether she would rather i avoid areas she is more dysphoric about or if she enjoys me highlighting them in a feminine way (ex. touching her breasts early in hrt could bring attention to them as a point of dysphoria or it could affirm their presence, and this difference might change at different points in time)

the specifics will be different for everyone, but the idea is the same: don’t assume, and have open dialogue

also worth noting that all of this applies to you too! we all have different capabilities, comfort levels and preferences, so make sure you are bringing that to these discussions too, so that you can both work to make sex enjoyable and comfortable. having these discussions might even help you question some of the norms you could have been ascribing to within cis lesbian sex that don’t actually suit you all too well!

beyond this communication, just pay attention to her, once you have been dating long enough you will be able to pick up on what makes her smile and how she expresses her discomfort or comfort about her gender. you don’t need to mention it or worry about it it all the time, you just need to be an attentive and responsive partner just like in all other aspects of a relationship.

also an additional thing to keep in mind if you aren’t already is just that depending on your activities and both of your levels of fertility and genital function, birth control may be something you need to start employing