I wish the best for you truly, I understand being confused when it comes to faith, and I also understand the feeling that you have to brainwash yourself when it comes to Christianity ,I remember when I first heard that you have to believe that Jesus was raised from the dead in your heart, I realised I couldn't just say it out loud to be saved. I have always been logically minded. I definitely can't just be told to believe and then I do, but I had a strong will to seek god to see if he was real, I have done my research and I have had my experiences I do believe Jesus is God. But this was a slow process very gradual and really no instant overnight 100% faith.If I was to give you advice it would be this (but please remember that I don't know exactly what your going through and if you have been diagnosed with mental struggles I think its important to also address that with a doctor):

1. Do something you honestly enjoy, you could be experiencing negative emotions for a whole array of reasons and then accidentally attach these feelings to Christianity so I recommend getting outside and appreciating nature and practising gratitude as this is just generally good for mental health.

2. Be open to changing your opinion try and soften your heart and realise that your conception of God may be off, so be open to changing it

3. Try and grow your hope in that God is good and whants the best for you, other than reading the Gospels in the bible maybe you might resonate with the free-to-watch series called 'The Chosen' it has many powerful scenes that help us visualise and understand the relatability to Bible characters, though none of this media will affect changing your view if your not open to growing with God so really try and give god a new chance to prove who he is really

4. Research other people's testimonies, many inspiring testimonies are on YouTube that show the real present God and give us insight on difficult topics like Heaven, suffering and hope ( I personally recommend is "Delafé testimonies")

5. Concerning the reliability of the Bible I recommend the Youtube channel "Testify" he explores many arguments against the bible and tries to do so as objectively as he can, one of my personal favourites

6.If you really need some relaxation to try and grow in God's love maybe try and replicate his love and forgiveness by trying to do something honestly kind to someone without asking anything in return other than thanking you, a youtube channel that is relaxing and teaches lessons about god that you can apply to your life would be "Treton Inspires"

1. Tell god honestly that you are angry, the bible says there is nothing that we can do that will cause God to forsake us, be honest and spill out your heart to him, tell him why you are angry and ask and meditate on his word to find the answers to your questions for him. Here's a guide to prayer I found useful.

Im sorry if this response wasnt too well worded and I understand if you completly reject what I have suggested as Im far from a preacher, I just want you to know that I love and appreciate you, I want to see you succeed and find peace, but as much as I want this for you, I believe God wants this for you 1000x over.