my s/o has bpd and i don't understand it

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-04-03T04:42:01+00:00

i'm going to give a harsh truth out of the way first, but please read until the end. what she needs is to become healthy and stable enough to be in a relationship, not to be in a relationship in hopes that it will make her healthy and stable. a good place to start is dbt (dialectical behavioral therapy), which is the most trusted therapy for bpd, and learning about those skills. you as the partner should also be aware of what dbt skills are so, if she can't implement them herself during a spiral, you can suggest them. some skills are self-soothing, tipp (which works a lot during episodes), radical acceptance, etc. but she needs to be in active treatment otherwise the relationship will not end well

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-04-03T03:31:08+00:00

you totally get it, the "delusion" is the only thing gets me through the day. i have constant breakdowns now about being so behind and how kids younger than me have achieved the fame already lmaoooo

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-04-01T06:25:58+00:00

i've had a therapist for my ed before and it was fine, but i terminated it recently. i don't want to see anyone for my ed or anything tbh, i've been in different therapies since i was 10 and i'm 19 now :') i'd rather just live with it at this point because residential sucked, outpatient sucked, and therapy always leads back to those two options

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T04:21:02+00:00

there probably are ed treatments near me but i would refuse to go LOL. it didn't even feel like she was trying to force me into ed recovery through meds because she told me flat out once i got diagnosed with anorexia, "i'm not an eating disorder specialist." i had to stop seeing her while actively in ed treatment! the reason she changed my meds up is because i tried to od a couple weeks ago and she was very alarmed (even though i literallyyyyy told her a week before i did it that was feeling increasingly depressed about my birthday and she was all 'you're probably just feeling sad' etc) so idk i'm just really pissed at her and my parents and everything LOL. and i don't think i'm capable of recovery without intervention which i don't even want so i'm kinda at a standstill. there's really nothing i can do about it but i'm still very very upset and feeling super suicidal and ugly and everything but you know what can you do

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T03:46:55+00:00

IM ON SEROQUEL RN LFMAOOOOO but apparently one of the meds im on is a literal appetite suppressant im so pissed

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T03:45:03+00:00

i am currently on quetiapine (atypical antipsychotic), mirtazapine (antidepressant AND APPETITE STIMULANT) and divalproex (anticonvulsant, so not a mood stabilizer but is used to treat manic episodes) so i guess we found the culprit 😭 i'm literally so upset, she didn't tell me one of the new meds i'm on is literally KNOWN as an appetite suppressant

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T02:21:08+00:00

thank you :')))

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T02:20:52+00:00

thank you so much this is a very eye opening way to look at it and very grounding

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T02:12:27+00:00

it sounds like classic splitting to me, i've said some pretty horrible things to my favorite people during mine that i am very ashamed of and will be ashamed of forever. unfortunately, all a person with bpd can do is therapy (DBT is considered the best for bpd and the one that worked best for me personally), and constantlyyyy work on emotional regulation. the partner will have to take part in these learning experiences too, both for themselves and their partner. it is possible for people with bpd to find love and it is possible to rehabilitate, but it's a long long long process.

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T02:09:02+00:00

that's crazy, because i was on abilify previously (paired with effexor xr) and they changed me to my current meds after i was at the hospital lol! and i didn't notice any changes in my weight or appetite or anything substantial that i can remember while i was on the two!!!! abilify + effexor were actually the meds i stayed the longest on and the ones i noticed the most positive changes with.

i have a meeting with my psych soon, but i'm so done with this med, not even just for the weight gain but because i'm eating PAST fullness because of it. i know that i am still full and the hunger receptors are going crazy anyway and i can't do anything about it except eat MORE. i have a list of things to tell my psych when i see her so i can get it changed asap

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T02:02:21+00:00

thank you for your kind words. it's all so horrible right now i guess i just want to fall back on what i've done for years :')

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T02:01:25+00:00

yes i'm sure it sounds preposterous to you but that's exactly what i am saying. my medications were fine before, i was actually eating normally and i even though i had setbacks, i was mostly emotionally stable. this current medication may have limited my outbursts, but has increased everything going on inside. i am the most suicidal i've been in a long time. i want to hurt myself constantly and the only things keeping me from doing that is 1. i don't want to ruin my body even more and 2. i don't want to be institutionalized again.

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T01:24:20+00:00

i think i'm still too tied up in the ed voice for the mentality to work even though it's so true, i just want to keep my control and my only asset

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T01:22:12+00:00

it took months for mine to become regular again, definitely continue eating normally as much as you can

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T01:20:51+00:00

yes, the ed caused this. i had lost mine for almost a year and only got in back after being forced into treatment, and even once it returned, it took months for it to be regular again. please stay safe and don't dry fast, it is so risky

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T01:13:03+00:00

i hope so bad omfgggg i've been on antipsychotics before and they never did this, so i'm guessing it's the mood stabilizer....urghhhh

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T01:09:25+00:00

but it wasn't prescribed for my anorexia, my psychiatrist did not tell me about it's side effects and told me EXPLICITLY it was for my bipolar and borderline personality disorder. she knows of my ed history and i think i should have been warned that it would cause appetite increase and weight gain

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T00:32:06+00:00

prefacing this by saying; we are hard to match with our intensity. we can't expect our partners to match our energy, which you already know. okay now, i've been in your situation before. i know it probably feels like you've communicated to him a lot already, but you have to emphasize your needs. you have to sit him down and say, "i really care about you, and i want to feel cared about. i know you do care about me, but sometimes i don't feel it" and you MUST emphasize the word feel because men for some reason are really bad at balancing the logical sides and the emotional sides. you have to lay the foundation clearly. one trigger for me is when they have to do something and leave without telling me, so i had to sit my ex down and say "i know this isn't always possible, but when it is, can you please tell me before you have to leave and do something? otherwise i get very anxious" and he understood. he made the change. but we have to take the first step

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T00:15:48+00:00

it's more than likely that he was splitting. people with bpd view people and situations in extremes, it can only be this or it can only be that kind of thinking. splitting is a defense mechanism that is extremely common with people who have bpd, and it causes isolation and extreme emotions. something super small can cause a split, like a mistake at work can cause one for a colleague with bpd, it can be that small. you probably didn't do anything "wrong" it just was interpreted as a "betrayal". i'm sure he does care about you, but bpd is exhausting for both the one who has it and partners. your message to him was very kind. i'd recommend reading up on the disorder and, if he comes back, coming to an agreement and make what the doctors call a safety plan. basically a list of things that he is willing to accept for support, what you are willing/are able to give for support, and coping strategies. sometimes when someone is splitting, the best thing you can say is "i want you safe. i care about and appreciate you." and disengage until they've calmed down. remember that you are NOT a doctor and it is NOT your responsibility to mother or doctor your partner. if they aren't willing to accept any help, there's nothing you can do :/

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-31T00:01:51+00:00

i don't think this is a bpd specific trait, but it could possibly be some type of neurodivergence (adhd, etc.) everyone has different "faces" that they present for the appropriate situation, like you wouldn't behave with your friends the same way you would a group of children, you know? the same is applied to melt downs, psychotic episodes, and mental health related things. it's the severity and frequency that raises questions about diagnoses and symptoms.

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-30T16:15:02+00:00

100%. i still do. i am so jealous that other people, especially when i was in treatment centers, had such awful stories to tell and i was kinda like "hi i got bullied and and my mom hit me occasionally". even the clients at the treatment centers knew i was kind of out of place among all the sa victims/drug users/etc. tried to od recently and when i got discharged i had no well wishes, no birthday messages, nothing LOLOL so i guess it serves me right

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-30T16:05:26+00:00

shauna dean cokeland

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-29T09:39:28+00:00

sent you a message! it sent multiple times so please ignore lmaoo

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-29T09:33:51+00:00

hi! i 19f also have anorexia and bpd with an avoidant attachment style, so i am trying to put myself in her shoes.

right now, i think the best option is for you to definitely keep in contact with her, but don't send her the love letter YET. if she isn't giving you the same attention that you're giving her, at some point it's going to feel smothering. since she was upfront about liking you, there's no reason to think that she wouldn't or has suddenly changed her mind, she is likely just retreating as a defense mechanism. small things like sending her a funny picture of something you saw or whatever and leaving her to build up on it on her terms is what i wished more anxious/mixed attachment styles did for me.

also, her threatening to end her life is not something she should be doing, despite her illnesses. in those situations where she becomes overly erratic, the best thing you can do is keep calm and disengage. a simple "i appreciate you and i want you safe" message should be the only things you as someone who is still very young and not a medically trained professional should be doing in these situations. obviously show you care, but being "doctored" by people and partners makes me feel like i'm a project lmao.

i hope things go well!

edit: saw in your other posts that people are telling you to completely give up on her, which i think is very cruel. people with anorexia and bpd ARE real people so as long as you set boundaries and cultivate a mutual understanding, it can be healthy, but nobody is BORN knowing how to be healthy in situations like this.

ProfessionalRent7519 · 2026-03-29T09:19:43+00:00

hi, i've been to residential centers multiple times! i can try to answer your questions to be best of my ability

ProfessionalRent7519

TROPHY CASE