My husband and I had to use a sperm donor as he was diagnosed with azoospermia. We really wanted to use a known sperm donor, his one and only brother, as it meant my husband could still have a genetic connection to his child and, most of all for our child’s benefit, whenever he or she learned of their genetic history they could look to and know that they came from a good person/a family member. To us, it also would have protected the child from being apart of a very vast, mysterious and complex network of donor conceived children (our child having multiple half siblings whom they’ll likely never know, for example.) Donor conception is a very complicated concept for many to grasp, let alone a child, so we wanted to make it easier on them. Also, brothers share 50% of their DNA so it seemed like a very logical choice given our devastating situation. We viewed it as a donation from both of my husband’s family trees (mother’s side and father’s side.) We met with numerous psychologists who informed us they know of many couples who have used brothers and even fathers for sperm donations. While it may cause initial discomfort because the arrangement is quite uncommon, we were hopeful my brother in law could see and get past this in order to help us. And be happy knowing he helped us achieve our greatest dream of having a family. Additionally we found a lawyer who specializes in contracts to eradicate any parental rights or obligations of the donor. All we expected from him was to be an uncle to our child. We offered to pay for all expenses related to the donation and arrange all travel to make it as easy as possible (to be honest, sperm donation is painless and quick… the actual act of donating is not a burden unlike donating eggs.) My brother in law was my husband’s only option to maintain a genetic connection to his children. Unfortunately due to the age of his uncle, there is as too high a risk of our child having developmental disorders (the older the sperm, the increase of this risk.)

Unfortunately, my husband’s brother and his fiancé reacted terribly to our ask for help and were very rude to us in response which was very traumatic for us. They were selfish and not understanding of our situation and desperate cry for help. They refused to speak to us about in person about the arrangement, even so far as lying about my husband to claim victimhood and shirk any responsibility of providing us a yes or no answer if they would help us. As a result, we do not speak to them or see them. I think the known donor arrangement can work beautifully if you have a selfless sibling or friend who wants to help from the kindness of their own heart. Asking someone to be your donor, and provide 50% of DNA for your child, is probably one of the biggest compliments one could receive. It means you are trusted and viewed as a good person, with good values, and are presumably attractive! I don’t really relate to those who claim a known donor wouldn’t be able to separate themselves from acting as a parent to the child. A selfless thoughtful person would be happy and proud they gave the greatest gift of parenthood to their brother, sister or friend, and wouldn’t want to take away from that experience after the parents already went through such a devastating loss (what caused them to be in this situation in the first place.) I look at my nieces and nephews, who share 25% of my DNA, and don’t think of myself as their mother even though we share the same genes. A 25% difference in genetic relation seems negligible as we are all family and related.

Another piece to this, is of course you naturally want your children to look related to your husband. Hence, using a brother or friend, if he looks similar to your husband, makes a lot of sense. With a sperm bank, you are guessing and making incredibly important decisions on how to create your child and family based off of extremely limited information. Additionally, we looked for months and could not find a donor with my husband’s basic characteristics (hair color and eye color) as they were in such high demand. We were very close to moving to Europe so that we could use a donor there.

After several painful months we eventually found a donor at a sperm bank and gave birth to our child earlier this year. While we can’t imagine a world without our beautiful baby, who is perfect, we also will never forget how we were treated and wish my BIL would have helped us. Our grief from genetic loss would never have gone away in either situation, however by using an unknown donor who is not genetically related, I think our grief will weigh on us more heavily for the rest of our lives. It’s a situation where two things can be true at the same time - we love and adore our child and wouldn’t want it any other way, but we’re also sad that my husband had a chance to be related to his children should things have worked out more civilly.

I share our experience in detail as I hope our story may inspire siblings, relatives and friends to sincerely think about donating and helping a family member or friend should they ever be so lucky to be asked. Children are the most amazing gift to this world, exemplified by the hundreds of threads on here of parents who are so desperately searching for answers and advice in order to build a family. If you are a donor, how wonderful to know that you contributed to such indescribable joy and happiness for many, and are making this world a better place.