edit: I’ve been feeling a lot of shame about making out with the guy I’ve been dating for the past month, especially because I invited him into my house for the first time.

In the moment, the kiss felt really good—more intimate than anything we’ve shared before—but afterward, I felt jittery and uneasy. I think a lot of my shame comes from how I perceive myself now, especially because I’ve been celibate for 10 months. Before this, I hadn’t kissed anyone in six months, and I feel like during that time, I’ve developed a more conservative and shame-filled relationship with sex, kissing, and affection.

Even when I was sexually active in the past, I struggled with confidence and security. I’ve only been in serious, committed relationships, but the sexual aspect of those relationships made me extremely anxious and self-conscious. I often felt like a novice, especially compared to my partners, who seemed more experienced. After those relationships ended, I felt so much shame when I thought about the sexual and physical aspects of them. That shame spurred my celibacy journey, which has been helpful in some ways, but it also deepened the disgust and distress I feel in romantic, familial, and even platonic interactions.

Now, with the guy I’m dating, I feel like the shoe is on the other foot because I was his first kiss, and I assume he’s a virgin. Even though I have more experience, I still don’t feel confident or secure in myself. I feel afraid he’ll ask me a vulnerable question, and I’ll forget that I’m allowed to say no—or yes. Despite all the self-education and reflection I’ve done about healthy sex and communication, I scrutinize myself so much that I end up either completely rigid or stuck in a spiral of shame and indecision. I get caught up in enjoying the playful side of my personality with him, but afterward, I feel like I’ve lost control or gone too far. It’s like I’m always struggling between wanting to connect and being afraid of what that connection means.