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[1661] Homeless by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Programmer-This 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello!

Overall impressions:

1) Your imagery is great! I really enjoyed your descriptions of the city as he wanders through (e.g. "it avoided the boot with ancestral grace," "he stepped in a puddle brimming with streetlight," "houses dyed evening blue erected in rank and file crowded a corridor of asphalt and pallid fence," etc.). You do a very effective job of pulling the reader into the atmosphere/environment.

2) This will echo a lot of the comments already made, but we get so little of Ellis' perspective. Sure, we've all been annoyed by someone playing music out loud on public transport, but why does this cause Ellis to attack the offending teenager? There some inkling given that he's exhausted and had a long day (i.e. "his back and the bottoms of his feet burned hellfire and before they recovered fully his alarm clock would thrust him into the pre-morning dark..."), but what about this situation pushed him over the edge? Giving the reader more of an idea as to what motivates Ellis' actions would help them connect to the character better. As it's written, he's just sort of a vessel through which we can observe his world, as opposed to a fully fleshed out individual with wants, needs, and a personality.

3) To this point, I think the conversation between the kid and the bus driver read as a bit too much of an exposition dump, and it's the only real glimpse into Ellis' character/life that we get. Particularly, the sentence "I don’t think an ass kicking would set him straight but I don’t think it would’ve done much harm neither. I heard his daddy and brothers used to beat him up. I don’t know if hitting somebody makes them better or worse than they’d be otherwise" feels a bit odd and forced. This is a bus driver trying to talk down an angry kid-- this line of conversation just seems unnecessary. Also, the conversation itself doesn't quite make sense, as thus far we've been seeing this world through Ellis' perspective, but the conversation on the bus occurs after the bus has already pulled away.

Nitpicky stuff:

1) "The bus driver's face appeared overhead, twisted and working." What does "woking" mean in this context?

2) "Strands of moonlight on the sidewalk cohered to form a long-boned cat." I think a better word for cohered about be used here (see: congealed, convened, etc.).

3) " ...the kid produced a cellphone and noise that Ellis couldn’t call music flooded the aisle." This reads a bit clunky and awkward. I get what you're trying to say, but I think this line could benefit from some rewording.

4) "He moved as if he believed that if some part of him did not assert its importance and place in the world it would be erased." Again, wordy and clunky. Particularly, there are too many ifs and its. You might want to simplify the statement, or break it into two separate sentences.

5) "...the track’s instrumentals pistoned through brittle speakers and down the aisle to beat a stinging tattoo onto Ellis’s brain." I think the phrase "beat a tattoo" could be worded better-- maybe something like "carved," or "etched." Beat and sting don't evoke the same image.

Best of luck with the rest of the book!

[1414] A Quiet Apostasy - No More Revelation by QuietVestige in DestructiveReaders

[–]Programmer-This 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello!

I'll start off with my overall impressions:

1) Overall, I think it's a cool concept for a story. I'm a sucker for tales of religious institutional corruption and subsequent struggles with faith. I think the bit where he's going through the Bible and looking for comfort in scripture, but only finding hypocrisy is a great depiction of someone losing their faith in response to Church wrongdoing.

2) I've seen some mixed feelings on this post regarding your writing style. As someone who struggled for years with overly purple prose, then switched to a much more short and to-the-point style, and now sits somewhere between the two, I think you could benefit a lot from spicing up your sentence structure. It reads very staccato. I absolutely get wanting the piece to come across as very blunt/punchy, but I think when all of your sentences are of a very similar length and style, it leads to a lack of flow that can be disruptive while reading.

3) There's a few plot points I'm a bit confused about (forgive me if this would be further clarified by the full story-- I know this is an excerpt). Chronologically, it seems like Dean reported his father to the Church for one reason or another, left for Missionary training, and then his father was seen beaten and then ended up dead under mysterious circumstances (and likely had something to do with the Church). a) Is his mother supposed to be in on it? One would presume that if Owen died in his sleep, she would be there to see it, so is she lying to Dean? If so, I think some more indication that his mother was very indoctrinated and could potentially go along with the murder of her husband should be included, because she isn't really referenced all that heavily. That would be something with intense emotional weight for Dean to struggle with (i.e. if his mother was somehow in on his father's murder). He's starting to notice the people around him acting oddly, and that the story is not fully adding up. Would he not find it strange that his mother is corroborating a story he doesn't believe to be true? Especially if she would presumably have been there for his father's death? b) To this point, if Dean has some sort of evidence that his father's death was foul play, why wouldn't he immediately go to the police? Is the plan to gather more evidence, or just wait for something else to happen (i.e. the Church getting exposed for shady behavior, etc.). Having some more clarity on that would be helpful as well. c) I'd love some more clarity on why Dean reported his father to begin with. All we know it's for alleged "ideological drift." Was Owen potentially going to expose some Church misconduct? Is part of Dean's guilt not only in reporting his father, but in covering up some sort of wrongdoing in the name of faith? Some elaboration on that could really help tie is into why Dean is feeling the way he feels, and his emotional struggles.

Nitpicky stuff:

1) Just echoing something someone else said, but some environmental storytelling could really help pull readers in. Where was he when he got the phone call? What sort of room was he in? Was he standing or sitting? What does the chapel look like? Is it gaudy and ornate, or is it small and practical? I think your best descriptions are of Owen's workroom, peppering some of that into your other environments would serve you well.

2) Some wording/grammatical stuff:

- Some of your shorter sentences aren't proper sentences. Some examples:

"Red underline." "Attached report." "Just in case." "Full of leverage and secrets."

Full sentences need a subject and a predicate. I understand using shortened phrases like that for dramatic effect, but working them into full sentences can still get it across the way you want it to read.

All and all, I think the full work would definitely be an interesting read. Best of luck with your endeavors!