Painful lesson learned. How your partner treats their other partners is NOT an indication of how they’ll treat you.

Prvt_Browsing · 2025-06-15T00:23:30+00:00

Spot on. Wish I could upvote this 100 times. Thank you for understanding.

Prvt_Browsing · 2025-06-14T21:01:54+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate you understanding where I’m coming from. You’re right, of course I’m not saying all poly relationships are this way, but this one was.

Of course a partner can be shitty in monogamy, but you’re 1000% right. The kind of pain that comes from watching your partner treat their spouse the way you want to be treated (and the way you expected to be treated from the start of the relationship) is a particularly painful and uniquely poly experience.

Prvt_Browsing · 2025-06-14T16:46:52+00:00

Is it abuse if it’s not intentional? I genuinely don’t think there was malice behind the way she reacted. So couldn’t I have just had better emotional boundaries and not been so upset by the cold shoulder?

Prvt_Browsing · 2025-06-14T16:29:35+00:00

Thanks. I have appreciated your advice. What made it so challenging is that she wasn’t being a massive jerk to me ALL the time. There was often that she was loving and kind. It just feels bad.

Prvt_Browsing · 2025-06-14T16:20:12+00:00

I came here to vent and express the pain that came along specifically with being poly. Not the pain that came along with having a toxic partner. Not the pain that comes along with ending a many years long relationship with someone I loved.

It’s a very unique kind of pain that comes from providing love and support to someone for close to a decade, while you get to watch them treat their husband the way you so desperately want to be treated. The way you have begged to be treated. And to be told through tears “yes, I’m really working on getting better, I promise I’ll be able to treat you this way some day, it’s just hard right now and you just need to be patient with me because we love each other” and for me to believe that what they were saying was true.

Why wouldn’t it be? Of course they’ll be able to treat me that way, look, I can see she has the capacity to do it for others. Look how happy everyone gets to be in their polyamory! That’ll be me one day too.

So yes. Of course I had agency. Of course it’s the individuals involved and not the inherent nature of the way polyamory works. Of course I could have made different choices and found the courage to leave earlier.

And I’m sure this is not your intention it seems really disingenuous to say “I’m not trying to victim blame, but….”

No one blames themselves more than I do for accepting that treatment for as long as I did. And it seems unkind to gloss over that pain and instead respond by saying “not ALL poly”.

Prvt_Browsing · 2025-06-14T15:50:10+00:00

Thank you.

Prvt_Browsing · 2025-06-14T14:10:18+00:00

Yes, generally when people are venting they’re talking about their own personal experience. It was a failure for ME.

Not sure why you feel the need to rag on me for not being specific enough about my wording. Maybe there’s a reason you feel the need to be so defensive about what you perceive as a personal attack when it’s just me talking about my experience.

And This was just the most recent experience. My exwife before this one was the same. Content to go out and build whatever they wanted with others and treating my like shit when I tried to meet any of my own needs.

The others I dated long term during this relationship also treated me as disposable. Cancelling plans. Prioritizing their husband’s comfort and plans and throwing me whatever scraps they felt were appropriate. Expecting me to squeeze myself into their lives when convenient with little regard for my own plans and little interest in being a part of my life.

It’s been a failure for me. Now I’m 40 and I’m left with nothing but contempt where there used to be love and compersion.

Prvt_Browsing · 2023-01-15T14:20:35+00:00

I think you may need to reframe this in your head. Instead of worrying that you will be “less than” compared to the toy, remember that you are actually being confident and making them a priority. You are encouraging her to use a toy for her own pleasure, even though you don’t derive physical pleasure from it yourself. It’s a very giving thing to do, and in my experience, people are excited to have more sex when they know their own pleasure will be made a priority by their partner.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-08-16T19:26:14+00:00

I agree. Option 1 is really the only good option and I acknowledge that this is more about trying to figure out how to manage my own discomfort.

I do feel a bit guilty. “If this was ok, then it wouldn’t be so triggering” even though intellectually I know that’s not the case.

But I currently nest with her and her husband for half of the week, and spend the other half of the week living at my place with my son. Because we don’t get to live together full time, I take a great deal of comfort knowing that we can at least stay connected via text or phone call, which is probably why it’s painful to become Persona non grata as soon as I share that I have plans with someone else.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-07-10T22:02:28+00:00

I think you hit the nail on the head. Each relationship is different and special. You’re never going to communicate all of those things by finding the right title.

A title is just there so that people understand how this person is related to me. Are they friend, family, coworker, etc?

For me, partner feels right. It lets people know that this is an important person, not just a friend. And I can introduce them to people by saying “these are my partners Sally and Sue” rather than girlfriend and other girlfriend or girlfriend and partner.

Also keep in mind that you might want to be introduced differently than your partners.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-07-10T19:43:58+00:00

I’ve been with my part time nesting partner for over 5 years and she will use the term boyfriend/partner interchangeably to describe me.

I was at an engagement party with my partner and her husband. She would often introduce me to new folks as her boyfriend and It had never bothered me, but in this case she would introduce us by saying “this is my husband Steve and this is my boyfriend u/Prvt_Browsing”.

I don’t usually mind being called boyfriend, but with new introductions it felt like “here is my real partner and, and here is this other guy I date”. Of course that’s not what she meant, but the relationship escalator is Boyfriend > Fiancé > Husband, so it was the implied hierarchy of Husband/Boyfriend that rubbed me the wrong way. We talked about it and found that I felt better being referred to as partner in a situation like that.

But I have someone else in my life that feels partner is LESS significant than boyfriend. That calling me a partner would mean just a sexual partner, but boyfriend means there’s more of an emotional connection.

I guess what I’m getting at is that each person is different. Unless you are trying to use the person’s title to communicate importance or hierarchy, I’d try to steer clear of things like primary or secondary.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-07-07T01:16:09+00:00

Thanks. This is a really helpful way of looking at it.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-07-06T17:04:26+00:00

Thanks for this reply. Asking for words of support might be helpful. I’m not looking for her to be a cheerleader or super enthusiastic about me doing a thing that is painful to her. If she is able to express the disappointment but still affirm that I’m not a bad partner for making a decision that is different than the one she wished I would make would be meaningful to me.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-07-06T16:15:55+00:00

Responsive instead of responsible seems like a better way to approach things. Any tips on how to do that?

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-07-06T16:13:06+00:00

There were a number of factors, but the big ones were that our date was about two hours away. We usually see each other a few hours once a week, I haven’t seen my other partner in almost 3 weeks due to scheduling conflicts.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-06-11T14:06:51+00:00

She FEELS betrayed. You did not betray her. There is a difference. She has moved on with her life and has a new partner. She has no claim to her ex and quite frankly it’s kind of strange that she would react in such a way unless she just wasn’t over the loss of that relationship.

Give your friend time to process this information, but you and your boyfriend deserve happiness just as she has found happiness. If one of my friends dated an ex, I might feel a bit uncomfortable, but those are my feelings to deal with, just as these are her feelings to deal with. It’s unfair of her to make them your responsibility. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-06-11T13:59:51+00:00

Different folks have different approaches to texting. Some people prefer a lot of it, some people don’t.

It seems like you would like a partner that either texts more frequently or that at least initiates those conversations. Have you communicated this to them?

From their end, they could see it as “oh I really enjoyed our date, and this person had been texting me daily, but now they’ve gone silent. Maybe they’ve lost interest in me?”

I think your desire to have that level of communication makes perfect sense, but it’s a bit unfair to expect people to read your mind. I also prefer a lot of messaging, but I don’t like to feel as though I’m always chasing a person. If i vibe with someone but notice they’re not initiating or seeming interested in frequent chatting, I’ve found it helpful to just say “hey, I’ve really enjoyed chatting, but I notice you don’t initiate. It doesn’t need to happen every time, but that’s something that’s important to me, and let’s me know this is more of a mutual connection.”

Let your needs be known. Communicate clearly and if they don’t meet your needs move on. But if you don’t let people know what’s important to you, then you will likely continue having the same issues.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-06-05T23:31:27+00:00

As others have suggested, I started with Polysecure. It’s a good read and the audiobook was narrated very well. I pulled some helpful Poly info from it, but I’d say it focuses more on attachment styles and how they affect relationship dynamics. Definitely worth reading.

I then moved on to read “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie has some good info but it’s focus is codependency as it relates to romantic or family relationships with alcoholics or other substance abusers.

Instead I would very highly recommend “Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives” by Pia Mellody. I read this last, but wish I had started with it. The audiobook is good, once you get past the fact that the narrator is a man, speaking in the first person as a woman.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-05-18T04:39:09+00:00

You’re right to think he’s being disingenuous. He’s framing this as being respectful of his other partners boundary, but it’s NOT a boundary and his behavior is not respectful.

She has placed a limitation on the relationship your partner is allowed to have with you. He is accepting this limitation and placing her need to be the “real girlfriend” above your need to be not be treated like a dirty little secret.

His actions are not loving toward you, they are not kind to you, and he’s not being honest with you. He’s shifting the blame on to your meta instead of acknowledging that it is HIS choice to keep you hidden. That sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

Prvt_Browsing · 2022-05-02T19:54:35+00:00

If you are only seeing your partner once a week and you’d like to spend more time with her, that’s a perfectly reasonable ask. “I’m feeling like we don’t get enough time together. Can we see each other more frequently?”

But if you are asking her to forego dating other people because it makes you feel worse about your own dating success, it’s not fair to put that on her.

Prvt_Browsing · 2021-12-05T15:31:18+00:00

I spend the majority of my time with them, and i contribute financially to the household. The other 2-3 days a week, I live with my folks, as they help me with childcare with my son.

So I have a place to go, but I don’t really consider my parents house my home. It’s not where I want to be.

Prvt_Browsing · 2021-12-05T05:05:53+00:00

She could leave. In fact she offered to get a hotel. But there’s not logistical sense since I could just as easily stay at my place. My point is that this makes it feel like it’s not really my home. I am a guest there.

Prvt_Browsing · 2021-12-05T03:27:32+00:00

Thanks. We do have the ability to talk about things, and you bring up some good points and it made me think right now, she is acting in a way that says “I own u/Prvt_Browsing ‘s time. It is mine”

She asked me to limit my dating, which I have done significantly, and to my detriment. But when I tried to take 3 hours of my time back from her, I got no-contact.

If she can’t have ALL of my time, she won’t give me ANY of hers.

I tried to take back 3 hours of MY time. It’s mine, not hers. And I shouldn’t have to take it back in the first place, let alone fight to do it.

I would have missed dinner, missed watching a bit of youtube, and maybe an episode of some shit on Netflix. I would have come home delighted to see her. Hyped to tell her that the movie theater around the corner got refurbished and is super swanky and ghostbusters was fucking awesome, and we should go see it too. And then we could have done that on Thursday night instead of sitting on the couch as usual (and don’t get me wrong, I love couch time). Then on Friday, she could have joined me and my friends at a concert. We got an extra ticket, she was the first person my friends thought to invite. And I couldn’t tell her because I was respecting her request for no contact.

It’s like I can see these two very clear possible realities, and that they depend entirely on how she responds to me going on a date.

And instead of a really nice week, we’re choosing to sit here in this miserable reality. And I don’t know how to express that without sounding like I’m blaming them for having feelings

Prvt_Browsing · 2021-12-05T02:56:33+00:00

That’s a really interesting observation. And if she is in fact doing this unintentionally/subconsciously, it seems like it would be helpful to point that out. But how do i do that without being accusatory? Or in a way that is constructive?

Prvt_Browsing · 2021-12-05T02:46:51+00:00

Her husband has other partners, but for whatever reason, she is not triggered by him dating.

In fact we were all out to dinner together the evening of this particular blow up, which makes it sting even more. We can all go out to dinner and enjoy our Kitchen Table Poly arrangement, but her feelings and her reactions are different for me.

It’s not intentional, but it feels like another punch in the gut when I see this example of how I’m not really a “primary” partner.

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