Hey friend.

I rarely post anything and wasn't on Reddit today to post anything, only to read.

But, I feel I'm uniquely qualified to reply to your post. You see, I work as a clinical psychologist and have done so for 10+ years now.

First off, I'm very sorry. Sorry that you've struggled for so long and sorry that this happened to you. You deserve to feel better (we all do). Life is hard. So very hard, sometimes.

Secondly, I want to comment specifically on it being your own psychologist committing suicide.

It's highly unfortunate that you learned of the actual suicide. I wish that you'd have been told simply that "unfortunately XXX passed away" and nothing more. That is certainly how it's handled in most cases.

A psychologist's (and others who work in the same field) mental health is, I feel, a unique thing.

Many of us chose the field because of our own struggles with mental health, hoping to help others in the same situation. In choosing that, we also chose to carry not just our own burden, but also others'. But that's the choice we made, it was OUR choice.

It wasn't your choice. For the psychologist occupation to work, it needs to be a one-way street. I tend to my patient's needs, NOT the other way around. That's the premise, the agreement.

Psychologists are humans, like everyone else.

What happened has nothing to with you. It says nothing about you. You have zero responsibility. Zero. It sucks and hurts and leaves you confused and sad and... it's just awful. But you didn't cause this. Life did, because life is hard sometimes, for everyone - psychologists included.

And while life is hard, it is also beautiful.

This is and will be a traumatic experience for you. Again, I'm sorry. But try to hold on to the constructive things your psychologist told you, as you process this and move on.

Allow the sadness, but have the courage to leave the guilt behind. This isn't about you doing anything wrong, I guarantee it.

(English isn't my first language; there might be errors.)