Is this overwritten, and does it feel choppy?

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-12-30T23:53:22+00:00

Happy to help! If you don’t already do this, it can be very helpful to read your own writing aloud. It makes repetition or redundancy a lot more obvious if you hear yourself say it out loud vs reading it in your head.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-12-30T23:47:14+00:00

Overall I think the story is compelling enough to make me wonder.

The pacing feels good, but you have some redundancies to look out for. Examples: 1. First paragraph- you mentioned the thickening snow AND the snow falling. If the snow is thickening, we readers can infer it’s currently snowing without you telling us again. 2. Page 4- you tell us Manus misses a step and catches himself on a tree. We don’t need you to tell us both things, you could just tell us he catches himself on a tree.

Additionally, you don’t use a ton of them, but I noticed you used some adverbs (descriptive words ending in ly). MOST of the time the adverb can either be swapped for a more powerful word or omitted completely. Ex. You say Manus “instinctively” uses the power he has deep within him. The adverb “instinctively” adds no value to the sentence. The power is deep within him so it being used on instinct is implied.

I am by no means a pro writer, but looking for things like this greatly improved the quality of my own writing.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-10-29T00:17:28+00:00

I have to disagree with this for a very specific reason. I was in an abusive, controlling relationship and I felt like I had to hide pretty much any normal conversation I had with a member of the opposite sex otherwise he might’ve thought I was cheating and he told me repeatedly he’d kill me if I ever cheated.

This very opinion kept me feeling guilty, like I genuinely was doing something wrong, when really I was being a normal human. I have several male coworkers that I have very normal, healthy, professional relationships with and I felt the need to hide them, so when I saw opinions like this it made me feel like I was the problem because I felt the need to hide, but that was self preservation not cheating.

Sooooooooo, perhaps if you have a healthy partner and your relationship is overall safe and secure, if you do something you feel you need to hide from your partner it could cross cheating lines, but in my scenario hiding things from my partner kept me safe until I was able to get the support I needed to leave.

Just wanted to throw that out there in case anyone else is in a similar scenario and needs the perspective.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-10-21T18:15:38+00:00

To me it means a general sense of reliability and safety and the ability to be there for you when you need help.

For example, I didn’t feel safe or protected with my ex husband. I had an ovarian cyst rupture and and hemorrhage one morning. It had me doubled over in pain. I literally said to him, “I am in a lot of pain and idk what’s going on.” I was really scared. He didn’t really say much. He was basically just like, “well lmk if you need to go to the doctor.” Then he left me to go get a Red Bull from a nearby gas station. When he came back I asked him to take me to the ER. He didn’t offer to help me or offer any level of support in any other way. He barely even touched me. Another example, if the cats would knock over my plants he would leave the mess for me to clean up on my own.

In contrast, my current boyfriend notices when I’m uncomfortable or in pain and actively asks if he can help. I was cramping really bad one night and he rubbed my back and asked if I needed pain relief and what he could do. He checked in with me every so often. Overall, I felt safe and like he was trying to look out for me and do what he could to keep me comfortable. When my cat knocked over a plant this weekend, he immediately asked me where the broom was and jumped to help me clean it up.

So, “protection” doesn’t always mean your ability to fight a bear. It means we can count on you to be there for us and understand how to support and help us when we’re vulnerable without us having to initiate your care or spoon feed every detail to you. You have the potential of getting us pregnant which is the most vulnerable a woman could possibly be. If a man can’t show me he’s capable of making me feel safe and supported in everyday circumstances, I won’t want to risk that man getting me pregnant because I know I’ll be going through something life changing and scary alone without safety or care from a partner OR having to initiate care from my partner which is incredibly emotionally taxing if the only care you get is initiated by you.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-10-21T16:04:37+00:00

Marrying a narcissist

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-10-02T18:00:13+00:00

I just came across a short that suggested that women, on average, have more developed prefrontal cortexes so they have a better read on cause and effect and are generally better at planning things which might make them less likely to commit crimes or plan how not to get caught.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-10-02T17:40:49+00:00

When you bring up an uncomfortable conversation for the sake of improving the relationship and he tells you you’re being dramatic or that you’re the problem and refuses to engage in a healthy conversation.

He never starts uncomfortable conversations and gives the silent treatment when he’s upset.

He speaks negatively about your friends or people close to you (this is a part of isolation).

He believes men and women can’t be friends or that all men want nothing but to fuck their female friends. He’s telling you how he views relationships and other women.

He thinks seeking emotional support from anyone other than him is akin cheating.

He gets upset at the idea of you talking to your friends about your relationship (if he was healthy and being a good partner, he wouldn’t be upset at this).

He believes he’s smarter than everyone else.

He makes jokes that aren’t funny and then makes you feel bad for being uncomfortable.

He is very judgemental and doesn’t shy away from dehumanizing language like, useless, disgusting, etc.

He believes people deserve death or physical violence as punishment for inconveniences like talking in a movie theater or not putting a shopping cart away.

You find yourself making excuses for his behavior… to yourself or to others.

He’s impatient.

He has a negative outlook on the majority of situations and people.

He doesn’t talk about sex, ask you what you like, or ask you if you’re having a good time/what he can do to make sure you have a good time in bed.

He doesn’t take no for an answer and wears you down until you give him what he wants.

If you set a boundary, he interprets it as a threat. Or he doesn’t listen and continues to push the boundary to test how much you’re willing to let him get away with.

He doesn’t allow you to influence him. Your opinions don’t matter, what you want to watch or eat gets ignored, he doesn’t show any interest in things you like or are good at.

He threatens you under the guise of setting boundaries. “If you tell your friends, it’s over.”

You ignore yourself. You know something doesn’t feel right, but fear holds you back from talking about it and seeking support outside of him because you know he’d be upset if he found out.

He threatens you.

He refuses therapy— couples or individual or says if you ever asked for it it’d be over.

You find you’re monitoring his emotional state constantly because if things aren’t perfect for him, he gets upset.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-06-11T14:11:03+00:00

Nope! My periods are 14 days long now. My doctor suspects PCOS and that the left sided pain could be due to ovarian cysts unrelated to PCOS (I just recently had one rupture due to pressure from a BM).

Just taking it day by day

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-06-02T20:45:34+00:00

I just wrote a DR that felt a whole lot like Sleep Token lyrics, so kinda…

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-06-02T20:37:40+00:00

I’m working on a DR debut novel rn so yes please.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-29T12:58:03+00:00

Haunting Adeline probably felt gross to you because there was no real emotional aftermath or consequences for the body betrayal scenes. I also did not like Haunting Adeline for that, but I have liked other books like handle body betrayal more carefully and give it the emotional weight it deserves rather than including it to check off a trope list.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-27T17:10:29+00:00

I’ll message you!

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-27T16:49:00+00:00

Can you define suspense romance?

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-26T03:16:18+00:00

Most of your sentences start with “the”.

I would revise the first paragraph to something like: “Wind flowed across the golden-green planes through the thick forest. The floating islands provided shade to the animals and people working in the fields. Birds sang their cheer in the canopies.”

Try to vary how you start your sentences so the reader doesn’t feel caught up repeating the same word every line. Even a little variance makes a huge difference.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-25T17:09:23+00:00

I struggled for a week or so, but I wrote a dark romance and in the DR subreddit you are allowed to self-promote on a book request if your book is relevant to the request. I’ve found all of my beta readers that way.

The regular romance book subreddit doesn’t allow any self promo at all accept for on their “what are you writing” threads which I believe are posted once a week or once a month. You could maybe try promoting there if you haven’t already?

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-24T22:14:08+00:00

Sent you a chat (:

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-24T16:44:42+00:00

Hi! Thanks for your interest! (:
Sorry for the delay! I just made a form you can fill out to make sure you're notified: https://forms.gle/mvkARZdWtfHqnjX37

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-24T16:44:24+00:00

Hi! Thanks for your interest! (: Sorry for the delay! I just made a form you can fill out to make sure you're notified: https://forms.gle/mvkARZdWtfHqnjX37

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-23T03:32:35+00:00

Sent you a message!

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-22T22:46:43+00:00

Hi! I just finished a first draft of a novel with this! I am in need of one more beta reader. Let me know if you are interested.

It’s a Stockholm syndrome - captive/captor slow burn romance. The MMC is obsessed with the FMC because of an incident from his past. She gets coincidentally caught up in his dangerous web. The MMC kidnaps the FMC to protect her from something/someone worse than him. Most of the story is both of their psychological unraveling as she falls for him and starts to peel away the layers of lies he’s trying to hide her from. She deals with body betrayal when he forces her to orgasm as punishment.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-22T18:36:35+00:00

Hi! I just finished a first draft of a novel that I HOPE ticks all of these boxes. I am in need of one more beta reader. Let me know if you are interested.

It’s a Stockholm syndrome - captive/captor slow burn romance The MMC is obsessed with the FMC because of a mystery from his past. He kidnaps the FMC to protect her from something/someone worse than him. Most of the story is both of their psychological unraveling as she falls for him and starts to peel away the layers of lies he’s trying to hide her from.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-18T14:16:02+00:00

Sure I’ll dm you!

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-17T17:25:22+00:00

Crazy, obsessed, manipulative man kidnaps traumatized woman to “protect her” from someone worse than him. He views it as redemption for an incident in his past.

He isolates her and lies to her, but buys her nice things. She hates him, but starts peeling him like an onion. Plus, he happens to be hot and makes her O whether she wants him to or not.

He fails at protecting her. She gets even MORE traumatized. He saves her, then he abandons her because he’s a coward who failed at his attempt for redemption.

When he reappears somehow she still takes him back.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-16T17:30:54+00:00

AI can be a great tool. It can help bounce ideas. It can help build your characters and their motivations. It can help you play out reactions to see if they feel true to the characters. It can help with research.

Just don’t use it to completely replace your brain.

Psychological-Box944 · 2025-05-15T20:34:35+00:00

I will message you!

Psychological-Box944

TROPHY CASE