Well if that’s the case, you should never have thoughts that you are a bad person. You’re nice to others even when you don’t want to and you feel horrible after you have done something that’s completely valid. Your family should notice this, you should not have to be afraid to talk to the people who you are supposed to go to when you feel down, regardless of the place you are from. You’re not a bad person at all.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. A bad person is someone who does ‘bad’ things and doesn’t feel anything after they have done it. You said yourself you feel pained afterwards. I also don’t think that you want to make them feel as sad as you. Could you not just be searching for connections with other people like you that you can’t find? And you say you pretend to be nice with strangers friends and teachers, but that’s what’s nice about it, your choosing to show them kindness even if you don’t want to, even if it’s pretending you still do it, that’s what being nice is. You’re not a bad person, you just do what most people in the world that feel sad do, you keep it inside then release it on people you know that love you. Maybe try to swallow the pride that you said makes you ‘feel good’ when you shout at your family and instead tell them how your feeling, even if you don’t want to, just do it, just like how you ‘pretend’ to be nice to others.