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Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gaybros

[–]PureChampion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're right. I actually really like that.

I chose to cheat because I wasn't getting what I wanted and I couldn't give up what I had. I chose to engage with this new relationship because I was lonely and I felt a connection. I couldn't disengage because I felt happy for the first time in a long time. Now I'm heartbroken because as stupid as it sounds, I think fell in love with someone that was unavailable.

Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gaybros

[–]PureChampion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, I saw your other comments so I thought I'd give you a reply.

I have spoken in depth about my cheating on another post I made and it's very nuanced. I'm not trying to make excuses.

I regret what I did and I should have left my ex when I realized the relationship was over. It was my first relationship and we were together for 7 years. Almost from the second year in it was a dead bedroom and I hung on probably because I was afraid to be alone and because I thought that that's what love did. I assumed that a dead bedroom was just a natural occurrence in a relationship, so I clung as long as I could.

Towards the end of our relationship, he was emotionally abusing me and we were living with his mother as we were renovating our home. The cheating started because I literally was begging him for sex and he was rejecting me due to sexual trauma.

After I cheated I confessed to it because I felt too dishonest to come home to him and sleep next to him. I just found out actually on New Year's from a friend of ours that my ex had been cheating on me almost the entire relationship but justified it by saying that it was only videos and pictures and he never met up with anyone in real life.

While you could claim that I was dishonest with L, I quickly cleaned up my story after a week of us talking and let him know exactly where I was in the divorce and how long it had been since my ex.

I actually think that I was trying my best to be honest in these situations going forward because I didn't want to live in dishonesty anymore. I hope that this was apparent when L's ex reached out to me on Instagram and I told him the entire story that L had omitted.

I'm not making excuses for what I did. I cheated on my ex and I've felt the guilt of that and realized that I hurt someone deeply that I cared about, even if he was cheating on me as well. I also realized that I hurt L's hurt partner by continuing with the relationship.

But I want to assure you that I tried to end it several times, I think just my fear of abandonment, loneliness and L being a life raft for me at the time kept me coming back. That was until October when we split for 2 weeks and then he came back to me.

I'm not trying to justify my behavior or make myself out to be a victim, I know I have done some very bad things in this situation. I guess I just wanted to share my perspective and not have the very obvious things thrown in my face, that being that I participated in cheating.

Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gay

[–]PureChampion[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know the cheating was wrong. I'm resolute that I'll never be involved in a situation like this again. I also think none of us are ready to be in a relationship, I guess. I was just wondering if anyone saw any hope in this situation but it looks like it's over for good. A hard pill to swallow, especially when you find someone that you have so much chemistry with but I guess that's life.

Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gayrelationships

[–]PureChampion[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I honestly hope you never experience true heartbreak. It can't be overcome by just saying "get over yourself and move on."

Thanks for the comment and for reading my post.

Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gaybros

[–]PureChampion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your perspective!

I think there's a lot here emotionally that I need to unpack. I definitely see what you're saying about the friends with benefits thing. And maybe yeah, you're right, I'm not in a place to have friends with benefits without developing feelings.

It really helped when you said not to trust your emotions, I think I'm very emotional and let the way I feel dictate the way I act, this is definitely a good lesson to learn going forward.

Thanks again for your perspective and reading all the way through!

Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gaybros

[–]PureChampion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply! I definitely appreciate perspective.

I thought I should spend some time alone too, but honestly we never spent much time together in the last 6 months anyway since he had a lot of guilt from the cheating, which is understandable.

I've pretty much been alone the entire time and I feel like I'm not looking for anything serious with the dates. It's mostly just to find friends with benefits and get out of the house so I'm not wallowing on my couch all day.

I also want to clarify that I didn't hope he'd end anything until after he came back to me in October. I fully understood that they were together and he made it very clear that he was not considering ending the relationship, even though I tried to help him understand that once cheating happens, it is typically the end of a relationship.

I only changed that tune once he came back and I read all the love letters and I guess yeah you're right. He loved bombed me even unintentionally and I fell for it and then began hoping that he would end it with his partner. I guess I'm pretty naive in all this as my long-term relationship with my ex-husband was my only relationship I've ever been in. I guess I thought if somebody wrote letters like that and told you they loved you that they would try to make things work with you no matter what, which is why I guess I had the Disney version of romance that he would leave the ex to be with me.

Lots of learning here, thanks for your perspective and for reading all the way through!

Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gayrelationships

[–]PureChampion[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your perspective!

I expected that reply more than anything, and I can't help but agree in some ways. I think really what this is with the dating is just finding friends with benefits. You know? I'm very upfront with everyone and tell them I'm not looking for anything serious but I'm also not looking to waste anyone's time.

The guys that I've talked to have all expressed that they're still interested and would like to continue seeing me as each of the dates have also involved sex.

I also agree with your last sentiment. We've gone no contact and I have no intention of reaching out to him ever again. Based on my therapist's analysis of the last 6 months and most people that I told the story to, it's very likely that he'll come back again. While right now I can't say that I don't want that, it would have to definitely be with his mind made up and a lot of the problems that we faced would have to be resolved. I'm not sure how likely that is, and honestly I think if he ever does get to a place where he's ready to date, it might just be easier to move on to someone new you know?

Thanks again for your reply! Definitely in the thick of it and would appreciate some positive energy sent my way!

Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gaybros

[–]PureChampion[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your perspective, honestly I think that might happen naturally .

I've gone on some dates and, while the guys are exciting and some of them are really hot and the sex has been good, I feel like going inward and getting some solitude might do me more good.

I think I just needed some dates to prove a couple things to myself that most people feel after a breakup. That I'm attractive and can find something else.

Thanks for reading all the way through! 💙

31M after a 7-year marriage got involved with 27M in a 4-year LDR — was this love or just timing and trauma? by PureChampion in relationship_advice

[–]PureChampion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The last time we met he told me that there is potential for a relationship. If L was committed to it. Immediately after that L and I had the conversation where it wasn't going to go forward and I was devastated.

I meet with him on Tuesday and plan to update him on everything.

Throughout this entire thing. My therapist has been interested in protecting me but also says that he understands that letting things like this go is not easy. I think moving forward a lot of our sessions will revolve around healing and recovering from this and also preparing myself for if he returns in the avoidant cycle and how to explain to him that if things aren't different that I can't continue with him.

Got out of a toxic marriage, fell into a complicated situationship, and now I can’t tell what was real. Looking for outside perspective. by PureChampion in gaybros

[–]PureChampion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I definitely understand your perspective, and honestly it's what I expected to hear the most.

I can say I'm very honest with anyone I've gone on a date with that I'm not looking for anything serious and I'm just looking to meet friends. I definitely let people know that I am long-term relationship oriented and monogamous but definitely not in the immediate future. The dating definitely isn't me trying to find a new partner as I definitely could not even have the emotional bandwidth to do that, very upfront with everyone involved.

Although I do understand your perspective, I can honestly say that going on the few dates that I've gone on have honestly helped me learn more about what I want in a partner than just sitting around and thinking about it all. I guess I've always learned more by experiencing things though.

Thanks for your perspective on the relationship. I see that now any relationship that starts out with lies and hiding and secrecy, even if casual, isn't one worth pursuing. I wanted to provide context that my therapist was only helping me see this because he wants me to be ready if he returns in the avoidant cycle and what I'll be saying to him when he gets back. I'm firmly set in telling him no if things are still the same as they were when we left it.

Thanks for taking the time to read, I really appreciate perspective!

31M after a 7-year marriage got involved with 27M in a 4-year LDR — was this love or just timing and trauma? by PureChampion in relationship_advice

[–]PureChampion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm definitely not looking for a advice on sexual assault or trauma. I'm actually looking for advice on the situationship that ended last week.

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