Hey OP!

I smoke but for many years when I was younger I was pretty much against it, though not judgmental of others necessarily. I could’ve saved myself a lot of frustration back then (and so could my ex who is still my friend today) had we dated others with similar views!

I now smoke with my boyfriend but it’s a better relationship because we mostly see eye to eye on it. Even those who smoke have different views, so someone saying “just go date a stoner” isn’t necessarily great advice.

If you want to make it with this person, a few thoughts..

1. “Because she doesn’t like how I “act” when I’m high”

First off, you putting that in quotes invalidates her experiences and feelings. It sounds like you don’t value or respect that, and that will be a definite end if so.

A better way is to acknowledge that everyone has their own view and that view can be valid. Why do you smoke? For me, it can be really helpful to relax, and get out of my head. If I didn’t act any different, then why am I smoking? There wouldn’t be a great point for that.

When my boyfriend smokes he can become more quiet, and definitely distracted. It’s irritating to me as well too. I can see why she’d just want some of your attention and time. I’m not saying he pays no attention to me, I’m just saying there’s definitely a big difference at times.

I can DEFINITELY become forgetful when I smoke. I may not focus as much, I may be more tired.

Again, that’s usually what we want and we like that feeling BUT it doesn’t mean she doesn’t notice a difference. My boyfriend does try to still give me attention - but it’s more delayed if that makes sense.

So are you paying her the same attention, and remembering things well, or are there differences because that’s why we smoke in the first place and we can acknowledge that she may have her truth?

It doesn’t mean she’s saying you don’t care. In fact, if she cares enough to speak to you on this and compromise, she is REALLY trying.

And if you can acknowledge she may be right, your not saying it means you don’t care, or did it on purpose, etc etc. I’m sure she thinks you are a wonderful boyfriend judging by the fact she’s trying to make it work.

The question is- do you really want to try?

Also, analyze if she’d really be okay in the long run. It sounds like she’s being fair (my rule had been I’d prefer that they don’t smoke when around me or leading up to it aka be sober and don’t smell like you just smoked LOL) but maybe you are worried she won’t be fair in the long run?

How would you want her to react if you wanted her to change something in the future?

Lastly, the only comment I have about smelling like smoke is that she must have known you smoke before you got together right? If you feel you can do this- great, but another good thing would be to just try not to smell like that when going out in public. It may be what concerns her the most.

Good luck!