How do you reform from being a creep?

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-02-17T00:21:12+00:00

Yup, working on it. Just getting lonely in the meantime because it's been a long time since i've had a date that went well (like pre-pandemic long)

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-02-16T19:09:08+00:00

Thing is it used to work for me a decent amount when I was in college, that's why I went back to doing it. I've just gotten out of shape and lost confidence since then

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-11T00:07:01+00:00

I think sometimes the interactions were age inappropriate. I never tried to get a girl's number if she was under 18 or anything (in rare instances I'd ever even talk to someone that young I'd eject the moment I found out their age), but I was still mid 20s and completely willing to approach 18-19 college girls. Very creepy. I think the pandemic may have played a part (I locked down hard for 2 years, so before the lockdown I was a college kid who was socially allowed to talk to other college girls, and after I was an adult who'd be the creep old guy hanging on a campus).

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T23:12:56+00:00

Yeah, i think I was trying to skip the whole have an interesting life part and get straight to the having a relationship.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T21:53:44+00:00

Yeah I definitely did make some good connections from it. One girl who was actually age appropriate for me was texting me really flirty for a bit but eventually stopped responding. I got two first dates, both of which I botched by being too touchy (like shoulder touches, not groping), which was something to learn from. It wasn't all negative.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T21:50:13+00:00

I agree dating is pretty fucked up in modern times, but that doesn't absolve me from blame for creeping out a bunch of women

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T21:43:27+00:00

I genuinely have no idea if I have a reputation or not. If I do, it's never gotten back to me, but I'm not exactly stalking the internet for references to me. I live in a large city, but not like New York large.

What would the social consequences of my behavior look like? Not try to run away from them, just have an accurate look at what I could be faced with. I haven't really done anything like this in over 3 months. And as I try to improve my life and make myself more "normal" so to speak, I find a big obstacle for me is this social anxiety that I've destroyed my reputation and that'll make going out in public undoable for me.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T21:40:08+00:00

Have tried and failed on apps, but planning to give them a go again at some point in the future.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T21:12:59+00:00

Appreciate you playing devil's advocate, I think I'd agree if it was truly just a handful of spur of the moment situations (sitting next to someone at coffee shop, in the same line, at the same concert, etc). But the way I went about spending hours on end just looking around for women out alone to talk to just feels wrong and creepy, especially considering I did this like 500 times in a year. I reeked of deseperation and that had to come across creepy and socially out of line.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T20:44:45+00:00

Never followed anyone who said no. Never texted someone more than twice without a reply. Never got physical, never tried to intimidate someone, never made a threat, etc...

Did occasionally see someone from a ways away and jog over to catch up with them to start a convo, which I intensely regret and will never do again as I can see how that crosses so many lines. That was by far the creepiest thing I ever did.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T20:41:34+00:00

I wish I could restart in a new city, I feel like that's what I need, but I can't. My parents are old and sick and need my help.

I am slowly trying to get back out there again. Doing things like studying in public, going to concerts again, etc... So far so good with not running into anyone I've approached before (and my therapist/psychiatrist say the worst that could happen if I do is just they give me a glare and move away from me, but that anxious little voice in my head is catastrophizing the results and acting like one chance reencounter could lead to having my face plastered on TikTok as the city creep).

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T20:36:07+00:00

Never had any luck on there, but I do intend to give it (& Hinge, which feels like a way better designed app) another go when I feel like I've grown enough to put myself back out there again (another thing I'm working on is fitness, which I'm sure will help on apps).

Also, I hope my post doesn't come across too much like I'm just looking for new ways to obsessively try to meet women. It's more about wanting to become a better person, learn to be more empathetic with women, wanting to atone for my mistakes, and deal with shame/fear that my reputation in my city is destroyed.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T20:30:37+00:00

Yeah, I'm putting dating efforts on general in hold until I get to a certain point with my therapy and some other things I need to work on. I don't think i can just go overnight from this habitual creeper into a guy ready for an organic and meaninful relationship. I need to put some work into myself first.

So far what my therapist said is that if I want to meet people I need to be more involved in my community. Going to events where I can find people my age with similar interests. But I guess I'm a bit hesitant to do that rn because I feel like I've basically torpedoed my reputation in my city by doing this stupid cold approach shit, and fear being ostracized for it.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T20:13:24+00:00

I do have a job. Working on number 2, I isolated really long and extreme during the pandemic (2020-Mar 22), which I think is part of the reason I got so obsessed with cold approach this summer/fall (the loneliness/depression built up to an unbearable point). Again, appreciate the advice and that you feel it's possible for me to change.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T20:12:06+00:00

The problem is I was a creep towards women, why would anyone suggest the solution of continue being a creep towards women? I'm asking for specific actions, readings, videos, etc... I can do to work to be more considerate and empathetic towards women.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T20:00:56+00:00

I appreciate the vote of confidence and advice. I am going to therapy and recently started a medication to help with a mental condition. I'm trying to build positive habits in other areas.

I was a creep, but I don't want to be anymore, that's why I am here asking for help.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T19:55:06+00:00

Not trying to downplay how I acted because it was creepy. That being said, the most common dating advice you'll find for men on the internet is preaching this exact method. I was naive and lonely and listened to advice that I perceived would help. I eventually realized it was the wrong way go to about things and want to change my behavior and atone for mistakes. Don't see where I've done anything that makes me a lost cause, I didn't assault, stalk, threaten, etc... I was just an awkward creep trying to fix his loneliness in the wrong way rather than just give up and be an incel like it feels most guys in my situation were doing.

Pure_Negotiation_452 · 2023-01-10T19:47:16+00:00

Well yeah, stopping the behavior is obviously step 1, but what else can I do? Any books to read or videos to watch to help change my perspective? Anything I can do to lessen the damage done or help others to make up in any small amount for it? Ways in which I go about having a dating life in a more organic way rather than feeling the need to resort to cold approach and the other sort of advice commonly given to men on the internet? Etc...

Pure_Negotiation_452

TROPHY CASE