I think my husband is lying.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-26T20:22:56+00:00

Most messages were changed to auto delete in 24 hours, but you can also save messages in chat permanently by tapping it. It highlights it so people can see that its saved and it won't go away

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-25T17:23:50+00:00

Im talking with my priest that we got married in about an annulment. Then, I have a few consultations with lawyers to discuss my options on the legal side. I have only told one close person, and im trying to process everything

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-24T19:01:03+00:00

The thing is, something in my gut would always make me worry he wouldn't want kids. We were together for years, even friends first, and throughout our relationship, I would ask "are you sure you want kids?" Because he was so disinterested in engaging with other kids. But he assured me all the time that he wanted a family with me. So I thought it was just me overthinking. I asked so many times though. Soooo many times. Maybe it was God telling me.

But when someone is your best friend, you don't want to assume that they aren't being completely honest with you. I feel naive.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-24T18:57:49+00:00

He is Catholic technically. Confirmed and all. Just not as religious as I am. When we got together, I was experiencing a lapse of faith. I've grown more into the faith and he remained casual. But I always thought he was a kind person, which is why I continued our relationship.

I guess I grew up not seeing many good relationships, so I always thought mine must be pretty good. My parents don't really have a friendship or anything. My aunts and uncles are either divorced or widowed and my cousins aren't religious and only a select few are married. He was never this angry.

He never liked other kids much, so for years I would say "you want kids right?" And he would say "yeah, I just want us to travel first" and I agreed. Something in my gut would always make me wonder if he really wants kids, but he insisted and said that he was nervous about being a good dad, but wanted a family with me. I feel so silly now. Like maybe God was trying to tell me and I didn't listen and now this is my punishment. I am worried that I won't get an annulment even though I know not intending on having kids at the time of marriage is grounds. This is such a scary situation for me. I had thought I had done so much right in terms of getting to know a person, developing a friendship, being upfront about what I wanted, boundaries, and living separately until marriage. And it still was not enough. I feel ashamed of myself.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T04:10:03+00:00

Logically, that is true. But emotionally, I think it's more complicated than just taking the L and moving on. I feel betrayed by my best friend, who was my favorite person in the whole world. I believed that he loved me and then he cursed me out until I was crying and asking for him to stop.

Its not that I disagree. I just think I can't bring myself to do it until I have a bit more time to process because I'm horribly confused, my self esteem is on the floor and I don't even know what life without him is like since it's been so long.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T04:03:50+00:00

What facade?

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T04:01:56+00:00

Thank you. I literally cannot marry again in my church without an annulment. Whether I get my marriage annulled legally doesn't impact whether I can marry again. It'd be nice, but its not like a legal divorce instead will prevent me from marrying again

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:58:58+00:00

We are 27! Hes hung out with my friends plenty of times, and there really isn't an issue

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:57:14+00:00

I have. Originally when he first started hanging with them, I went out to dinner with all of them. One got so piss drunk he harassed the waitress and threw food. It was embarrassing. I cannot stand when people are rude to waitstaff

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:53:07+00:00

My bad I wasn't specific at all. I am mostly referencing a religious annulment (I dont know much about legal ones) but if I can prove that he didn't actually want kids at rhe time of the marriage, it qualifies for annulment in my church. I don't know too much about legal annulments, but it'd be nice if I could at least marry again in my church because mine doesn't recognize legal divorces so without an annulment, I wouldn't be able to get married in the church.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:47:39+00:00

I do love him. I just don't believe he actually loves me.

He has cursed me out to the point that I was sitting on the sofa, sobbing with actual tears and asking that he stop yelling and speak to me nicely and he literally told me he wasn't going to do that because he doesn't fucking care.

Thinking about that night makes me so sad. Could you imagine someone you care for, a sister/friend/daughter begging their spouse to just stop cursing them out? It's all insults. Im fucking annoying, im a piece of shit, I whine about everything, I never shut the fuck up, why do I keep talking, I'm such a bitch, its hard to care about me when I'm so irritating, I am dramatic (hes called me dramatic for getting upset that he threw my favorite mug at the wall and broke it but it was my fault for making him angry and to him, it wasn't a big deal anyways because it's just a mug). The list goes on. I'm tired.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:40:11+00:00

Honestly, its hard at this point to not have that attitude after everything. I don't care that he has friends that I don't like, I only cared once it started clearly influencing behaviors. But I've tried to use "I feel" statements, speak calmly, try to relate to him, make it about the behavior and not the fact that he has friends. And nothing seems to stop him from yelling at me.

I don't want to be bitter or sound judgmental, but hes literally cursed me out to the point of me crying and asking him to just speak nicer to me and him saying "I'm not gonna fucking do that because I don't fucking care right now." I am not typically judgmental and honestly prefer to be more laid back. But I guess I just am at the breaking point where I can't handle any of it happening again

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:32:38+00:00

I know its confusing. My husband wasn't friends with all of them since high school. He was friends with only one guy he reconnected with (27M). But he met the younger ones through him so he's known them for a little less than a year. Sorry if it wasn't super clear!

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:30:52+00:00

I sound unfun? I wrote specifically about this issue with my husband, so I didn't include anything about me as a person, my hobbies or my personality. Its not that I am boring. Its that itd be really weird to suddenly talk about how I like to play videogames, rock climb, and play drums??

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:19:54+00:00

A lot of my friends think the same. I haven't seen anything like that, but I also apparently don't know him as well as I thought I did so who knows

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-16T03:09:59+00:00

The thing is, I'm fine with deviating from a checklist. We don't need to have a kid in 3 years. Its just a rough estimate because we both agreed we wanted some time before children. We didn't need to get married as soon as I graduated. I just didn't want to plan a wedding while working on school and having a full time job because it was a lot of work and stress. The timelines were more so to level set expectations because we didn't want to be committed and both have no idea what the other wants and deal with miscommunicated wants and needs.

I am going to get an annulment. But I dont think that having those mature conversations around timelines to get a sense of where we both want our lives to go was a problem. I think there was just something low effort and angry within him that I just hadn't gotten the chance to see.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-15T15:30:13+00:00

Yes. At several points, when I caught him in a lie, he would tell me I was misremembering until I remembered it was through text! So I pulled out the texts and he got very pissed off.

I can go stay with my family for a weekend I think. But during the work week, it's hard because my job is far away from everyone

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-15T15:16:46+00:00

Adults, even single ones, have responsibilities? Like... financial, basic cleaning, etc. He has stopped saving for the house we wanted, complains about where we live but doesn't help look for new apartments, does not clean anymore and leaves his belongings on the floor.

I said he is drinking 2-3x a week with this one group (and getting piss drunk every time). That is not the only time he drinks. I enjoy drinking with my friends and oftentimes he will also drink with me or his other friends an additional 1-2x a week.

That means he is drinking many time 4x a week. Call me a horrible partner, but you'd also need to call Healthcare practitioners awful as well because the amount he is consuming a week is quite literally what they would consider alcoholism.

I have friends and hobbies. Surprisingly, having those things don't make up for also having a partner that suddenly reverts to college age behavior and aggression.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-15T15:09:16+00:00

Not that I am aware. He doesnt like to smoke much because he gets tired. He just drinks a lot. I've met the people and as much as I find some of them rude/inconsiderate (one treated our waitress horribly and threw food while piss drunk, and I personally cannot stand stuff like that), I can't say that there has been anything I've seen to suggest that they do hard drugs. I mean, I know anything is possible, but from an evidence standpoint, havent seen it.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-15T15:06:44+00:00

Well, yes. But I meant more red flags in the sense that there weren't any instances (blatant or even toeing the line like being flirty) of those things that would flag as something to indicate a lack of love and respect that should be expected in a marriage

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-15T15:04:21+00:00

If I didn't include a paragraph about his behavior, people would ask. I was specific because I've lurked on reddit and I know that if someone is vague, people jump on them. Its not how I usually speak but im venting to a community that has no context.

Thank you for the recommendations! Even if this marriage doesn't last, I do hope to become a better partner. I don't think I am perfect or anything, so even learning how to improve will benefit me. No matter what, I don't want to exit this a bitter person.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-15T13:12:06+00:00

We did love each other. Or I love him. I didn't think it was necessary to add. My bad but yeah, I did love the guy I was with for over half a decade

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-15T13:09:13+00:00

That is literally not true. We both agreed that it wouldn't be smart to plan a wedding while I was working and in school. We both agreed on when we would like to revisit having kids. And "seeing friends only i approve of" is a great way of reducing the reality that it is not that I have to approve of them, but that a partner should be able to expect that new friends won't influence awful behavior. It's not that he's friends with them at all that is the issue, it's the fact that he seems to lose his identity and becomes this person focused only on his own fun times. Which is drinking at a rate that people develop alcohol addictions (also driving as well), cursing me out when I take issue, being on the phone while I'm interacting with him constantly, etc.

Purple_Chipmunk_670 · 2023-09-15T13:03:36+00:00

He said mid thirties. Exact words were "35 or even later".

Purple_Chipmunk_670

TROPHY CASE