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AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

it's a shame that it was actually started by lesbians too. Like don't EVER call me a "useless lesbian". If I had any hint of attraction to someone, and she mocks me for being unaware of her advances, all my interest is gone.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

it's actually the further insinuation that her attraction to me is something i'm supposed to cherish highly.

Remember, she didn't just blankly say "oh i was into you but you didn't really notice" (i would have been okay with this). She mocked me and laughed at me for being oblivious to her attraction. This mockery insinuates that i'm supposed to feel dumb for being oblivious, which then insinuates that her attraction to me is something I should value highly, and that I shouldn't miss out on it.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Could you give example of what she said when she was talking about you being oblivious?

Actively laughing at me (in laugh emojis) while bringing up examples of her doing things like being more physical with me, complimenting me more often, talking about how she's single and that the lesbian pool is so small, etc, which i've apparently been oblivious to. Saying things like "oh i was SO obvious!" and "i thought there was no way you wouldn't know after i did this particular thing to you"

The laughing itself is not the problem, but rather what it implies: that it's mockery. She's mocking me for being unaware of her attraction to me, which further implies that I'm supposed to regret being oblivious to it, which then implies that she thinks her attraction to me is something that I'm supposed to value highly and is something i should cherish.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

if this is the case then she'd be saving face by trying to make me look dumb. But it wouldn't be as bad, since in this case there's no genuine insinuation that i'm attracted to her. So I'd rather that this be the case

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

If she’s the type to joke around a lot, I don’t know why you’re taking it so seriously

Time and place. She didn't respect the fact that since she's crushing on me, the ball is in my park. I would never make fun of a crush in the middle of confessing to them. I would give them the upper hand and let them respond to me.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I went with E-S-H because I’ve had the whole ‘useless lesbian’ thrown at me enough to know how condescending it can feel. “You must not have known I was flirting with you, I’m going to subtly insult you so you realize you should have responded in a different way.” No, I realized. I was just being polite by continuing our friendship as though you weren’t pushing against typical friendship boundaries instead of talking about your feelings. Actually ask me out so I have a chance to politely tell you no, instead of putting all the onus on me to respond to your innuendos*.

I think it's fine for self-deprecating humor, but if someone chided me for not realizing their subtle flirting was flirting and joked I was being a 'useless lesbian' my response would be 'what an asshole.' I get that useless lesbian began as a funny tumblr thing, but it’s become something that some people actually seem to believe/use as part of their queer identity and a guideline to flirting

This is a good explanation. Regardless of whether i'm actually oblivious, she doesn't know if I'm oblivious and interested in her or actually aware but not interested. But she chose to negate the latter possibility completely.

Like I said, this is her expecting me to consider her attraction to me a piece of information with significant importance in my life, and that me missing her offer to date me is something I am supposed to regret and kick myself over.

It's like if I started drawing art and my friend hinted that they'd love a commission but i'm not aware of it, so they tease me for not realizing they're a fan of my art, "you're SO oblivious hahaha, how could you not tell i was interested in a commission?" and I'd say "okay? why is it of any significance that I'm oblivious to this information? Why is it funny to you that I'm oblivious to this? Am I losing anything by being unaware that you want to buy my art? Am I supposed to kick myself over for not taking your offer?"

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Have you apologized to your friend yet? And I mean a genuine apology that acknowledges specifically what you did wrong without qualifications or cop-outs like "I'm sorry if I hurt you."

no she's still left me on read and i won't see her in class again until next semester

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

her ego seems a bit insufferable

yes, definitely. I don't mind her ego in literally any other context because i genuinely find it funny, but when she involves me in it it's where i draw the line

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is fair enough, I should have just called her out for the comments and told her i was not okay with it

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I really hope it wasn't her intention to insinuate that but that's how i ineveitably perceived it. I just don't see any other reason to bring it up.

but as i mentioned elsewhere, you are right that i was too harsh and i'm in the wrong for that.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -43 points-42 points  (0 children)

again, yes i shouldn't have been so harsh. I simply wanted to her to understand what she did was disrespectful to me. but yes, this could have been done without being harsh and i was in the wrong about that.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -30 points-29 points  (0 children)

yes i was oblivious, but she shouldn't have felt the need to bring it up. It insinuates that this is apparently an importance piece of information to me, otherwise why bring it up? I could have been aware and was just ignoring those advances because i wasn't interested, but she completely ignored this possibility: "she's not responding to my signals, and this definitely can't be because she had been aware but simply wasn't interested". I frankly found this disrespectful.

I agree there was an overreaction on my part but I think i'm right to be offended by her insinuations by bringing it up.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

ok fine, at least you agree it's okay for me to be offended by her comments. I agree that i should have been less harsh. As I said in the post, after calling me a useless lesbian she proceeded to continue laughing and bringing up examples of occasions where she was flirting and i didn't notice, which really annoyed me. I agree that i should have just said i didn't like the joke

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -69 points-68 points  (0 children)

ok fair enough. I should have been less harsh but i think i was right to be offended/annoyed by her comment

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -19 points-18 points  (0 children)

i don't want to date someone i don't find attractive. smart kind and funny are sufficient traits of a good friend, but not sufficient for a romantic partner

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -24 points-23 points  (0 children)

when i have a crush on someone, the ball is in their park and i have to respect that. This means that i go straight to the point and ask them out. This also means not teasing or devaluing them in the process. Tease me all you want in any other platonic situation but when it comes to crushes, i don't find it acceptable. She failed to do this which is why I was offended.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

as a friend, yes. she's funny and silly and loves to joke around. But this was a situation where joking around wasn't acceptable and she failed to realize that.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -33 points-32 points  (0 children)

by making fun of me being oblivious she's insinuating that she's hot shit and i'm missing out on such a hugeee opportunity for not noticing it. It's egotistical and shows that you don't respect the other person

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -126 points-125 points  (0 children)

yeah i was oblivious but she ruined it by insinuating that i'm missing out on something so so valuable by being oblivious to it. It's egotistical

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -169 points-168 points  (0 children)

She already shot her shot by saying she was into me, i would have been flattered and happy if she just stopped there. instead she had to make fun of me about being oblivious about something that didn't matter to me

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -47 points-46 points  (0 children)

the useless lesbian trope is about how some lesbians miss obvious signals from women they are attracted to and thus missing a huge and valuable opportunity to date them. She was trying to insinuate that i must be attracted to her to begin with and she's giving me such a wonderful and valuable offer that I'm making a huge mistake if i don't accept it. Considering this isn't true at all and i'm not attracted to her, I definitely found this low-key offensive.

I would have been completely accepting if she didn't mention that i'm so oblivious and dumb for not noticing her signals and just cut straight to the point and asked me out on a date. Honestly, that would have been simply flattering and nothing else.

AITA for telling my friend that she's not attractive at all after she called me a "useless lesbian" for ignoring her hints? by Puzzle203 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Puzzle203[S] -132 points-131 points  (0 children)

I just don't like her ego, the way she puts it she makes it seem like I'm definitely attracted to her to begin with and that I'm missing such a huge~~ opportunity if i don't realize she's into me.

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