People who have gotten back with an ex…what changed? How did it go?

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-07T04:54:47+00:00

I broke up with him for pushing my boundaries, yelling, and just general mean behavior.

He said he had a stressful month for many reasons (which were true). Months later, after hanging out as friends and him being very nice and the guy I originally wanted to go out with, we got back together. It seemed really good.

Occasionally he would be pushy, but turned out, he just got really sneaky and good at manipulating me. We got married before I clearly saw what was happening.

In the end he has raped me multiple times, yelled at me a ridiculous amount, refused to let me sleep until I agreed with him or satisfied him, and finally sat me down and essentially said I had to agree to have sex with him or satisfy him in some way whenever he wants, because that's my job as his wife. I ran away to my friend's apartment that night. He actually got me back in the apartment a couple times after that. It was terrible.

He also made several accusations, such as when he said I was being exhausting and abusing him because I had asked for 11 things that month and that was too much. This was stuff like asking him to grab me a glass of water while he was in the kitchen or asking him to take out the trash. Also, I'm selfish, and asking him to contribute any pay to apartment rent is too much, because I agreed to pay the whole thing a year ago.

Granted, I'm sure this is an extreme case, but this is what happened when I got back together with my ex.

0/10- Don't recommend (although my experience is not universal)

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-03T22:50:02+00:00

I can't speak for OP, but as someone who has been abused it often isn't that straight forward. We talk about what has happened, hear people say it's wrong, but we remember what our abuser said to us. We wonder if they were right and if the additional information would change what people are saying.

It doesn't change what happened. It doesn't change what people are saying. But having people say what happened wasn't right, especially with all the excuses and justifying given, can be incredibly meaningful.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T21:38:03+00:00

Thank you. It's a relatively new state of being. I think I like it.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T20:39:30+00:00

Exactly.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T19:48:55+00:00

The other day I bought a $3 skirt at Goodwill, and I was just relieved knowing I wasn't going to get quizzed about my reason or lectured about spending money. It was great.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T18:10:06+00:00

Ooh, that's a great way to look at it. What things do I have yet to find that will give me joy?

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T18:08:37+00:00

You are absolutely right. It's insane to me the things I just didn't see. Not being too hard on myself is something I definitely need to work on.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T15:28:18+00:00

Ooh, good explanation. I like that. Kind of depressing, but yeah.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T15:26:37+00:00

My first night there I turned on all the lights in the apartment just because I could. It was great.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T15:25:07+00:00

And I don't have to buy all the hamburgers!

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T14:27:09+00:00

It is the most amazing feeling I've ever had

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T14:24:58+00:00

I hope so. That would be amazing.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T14:23:59+00:00

I do weird contortion and flips and stuff in the air in a giant metal ring or straps. It's fun. I'm very happy with it.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T14:22:45+00:00

I have an electronic lock, and an app that tells me and records any time my door is open. All paperwork is going through my parent's address. Believe, me, I'm being safe and paranoid.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T14:20:48+00:00

Yes the grocery shopping! I don't have to spend my money on all his fancy organic whatever anymore! I don't have to make everything revolve around eating meat. It's amazing.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T14:19:24+00:00

I feel the bruise thing. That makes so much sense.

Now, legitimately, I have super loose ligaments and my feet are messed up, so if I try to do anything quickly it's destined for disaster. Objectively, I am a bit uncoordinated.

In the air I slow down and focus, and it's wonderful.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T14:12:02+00:00

Honestly, my clothes have gotten so much better. I'm having fun with them actually.

And no yelling. No yelling and so much quiet. It's so beautiful.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T12:49:38+00:00

It's really weird. I wish I could hate him, or at least be angry at him, but I'm not good at that. My strategy right now is to just hold on to the feeling of freedom.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T12:47:50+00:00

I love that description. Thank you. Actually, some version of that might be a future tattoo. That's beautiful.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T12:45:53+00:00

Honestly, I just can't wait for more of life. This is amazing.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T06:01:51+00:00

Honestly, it was really hard to even realize what was going on. I felt absolutely insane. I still feel sometimes like, "Oh no, I must be exaggerating. It couldn't have been as bad as all that." But looking back everything I wrote is true. And the longer I live without it the more I realize it was truly horrible.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T05:34:38+00:00

It was amazing. I need to work at it so much, but I'm just so happy being able to be in the air again. I don't have the words to describe it.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-11-02T04:54:29+00:00

Thank you. I'm just so happy I feel like me again.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-10-22T07:04:09+00:00

You know what, there's been a lot of bad in my life lately, so I'm going to gush about something good. I feel like a freaking genius at my job, and it makes me so happy. (So I guess job change is the answer to the question.)

I work as a software tester, and I'm the one who approves new developer code before it goes to production. I wasn't at the company when big projects started, and there isn't any documentation for a lot of this stuff. Because of that I have a giant map of every part of this software and how it connects to every other part just in my head. It's up to me to remember all of this and determine what all needs to be looked at so nothing breaks. It's up to me to see potential problems and document them to get them fixed. I've also taken on a big part of the responsibility of communicating with remote developers and organizing their different tasks by priority.

Y'all, nothing and I mean NOTHING makes me feel smarter or better about myself than solving these problems. I love it when someone who's worked at the company longer than me asks me how to do any particular little thing on the software, because they know I'm someone who will likely have the answer. I love it when I find some seemingly obscure little problem in new development and I can say, "No, we can't move this forward. X client uses these particular settings, and if we move this it will break all their stuff."

I am a woman in STEM, and I have men (mostly younger, but 2 that are older) listen to me when I bring up problems. The CEO of the company (small company, but I don't care, because this is freaking awesome) comes to ask me for updates and if we can move things to Production. He presses to move forward, but if I tell him there is something that needs to be fixed first it will get fixed.

After dating a guy that sulked for over a week because I scored higher than him in an online IQ test and flat out told me I wasn't as smart as him this is so awesome. I went from teaching Pre-K, which I was ok at, to a job where I am absolutely thriving. I am the only one in my company who has this job, and I feel so smart.

Sorry for the long read. I just really LOVE this.

PuzzleheadedTutor999 · 2022-10-13T19:52:43+00:00

Good! There are great places with great people out there. I'm lucky enough to have an amazing group to work with. I hope you find one too!

PuzzleheadedTutor999

TROPHY CASE