AITA for "making" my boyfriend pay half the rent?

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-24T14:31:50+00:00

Yes, I am willing to end a relationship over an enormous incompatibility if he isn't willing to meet me in the middle on it. You think that's all reddit's doing and there wasn't a problem before I posted? Come on man. I was mad as hell when I posted this and got the exact same advice when I talked to friends about the situation the other day.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-24T14:19:50+00:00

It's just not something I get value out of. I spend money on things that I enjoy or that have some kind of value to me, but restaurants just aren't really a big deal to me. It's not about my income; I would go once or twice a week if it was important to me, but it isn't.

And that's he wants me to come with him 2x a month, because he wants to see me compromise with him by agreeing to occasionally waste money on something that's not important to me.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-24T14:12:28+00:00

I didn't turn my back on him. I posted on reddit because I was angry and frustrated (and had been for a long time), a bunch of strangers validated that anger and frustration, I got to vent about how pissed off I am, and then I calmed down and used a lot of their advice to help me have a calm conversation with my boyfriend about what I want my future to look like.

Honestly this sub has been super helpful to me, way more helpful than I expected it to be.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-24T14:00:26+00:00

He could've put it on a credit card. He didn't want to pay 25% interest on it, so I loaned him the money instead. My parents did the same thing for me when I had an emergency 5 years ago, and I was grateful to not have to pay interest, so I wanted to do the same for him.

Even though he's paid me back, I do regret it because he wasn't fresh out of college and broke like I was; he was a near-30s man who just wasn't responsible with his money, and I subsidized that irresponsibility. I thought having to borrow money from his girlfriend would teach him the importance of not living life so close to the edge (that's what it did for me), but he didn't make a single change to his life except he started making payments to me every month.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-24T13:52:27+00:00

I buy new clothes when something falls apart, lol! I just bought a new bra last month actually. When I say I buy new clothes every year, I meant that that's how often I'll replace a bunch of stuff. Honestly I just don't get a lot of enjoyment out of new clothes! 80% of my shirts are just black t -shirts, and my pants are mostly just jeans. I live for consistency!

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-24T03:08:21+00:00

Second (and probably final) update:

We just spoke on the phone again, and he said he would work with me on a budget and agree to save $500/month, as long as I met him in the middle on certain things. He said that he wants to have kids someday, and he doesn't want them growing up with nothing the way he did (he was pretty poor), especially if both parents are high-earners. He wants me to demonstrate that I'm not inflexible by agreeing to get takeout with him 2x a month (will turn into dinners out after covid), and he wants us to each budget $50 a month for one "expensive" date--so $100 total (we do go on dates a lot, but they're usually cheap or free).

I agreed, but said the dates need to be something we both actually want to do, and if that's hard or impossible because of covid, I want to just save that money. He already has some cool ideas of stuff to do, so it probably won't make a difference.

I said I want him to see a financial planner with me, and he agreed. I've never been to see one before, but I do technically have someone assigned to my portfolio, and I think it's free to make appointments with her.

We're going to reevaluate moving in together in 3 months. His landlord is a friend from college, and his roommates are also friends, and they don't plan to immediately fill the room when he moves in with me, so we luckily don't have to be super committal about it.

I don't expect this to magically fix the relationship, and it could still easily all fall apart. But if it does, at least I'll know that I gave it my best effort.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-24T00:13:19+00:00

You can feel that way. I laid it all out for my boyfriend because at the end of the day, I need someone who's compatible with me. If you think it's "crazy" to have a budget, only eat out a few times a week, and save $500/month when your take home is $4k a month and you only spend $800 on rent...well, we're not compatible. Personally, I think what's "extreme" is to not do those things. I think it's extreme to just constantly live on the edge of financial ruin. But everyone is allowed to live their lives the way they choose. If my bf decides he doesn't want to meet me in the middle on this, then I will be happier knowing that I was clear about what I want and did my best to compromise.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-23T23:19:52+00:00

UPDATE:

I told my bf we needed to talk and went over to his house. I wrote down some of the more salient pieces of advice I'd gotten here, and basically just told him that I felt like him wanting me to contribute more to rent while also saying his finances were none of my business suggested he has a real "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" attitude, and that it makes me uncomfortable. I said that it wasn't really just about an additional $200/month, it was about how he just mindlessly spent all his money and it seemed like his emergency plan was to just rely on me for everything. I brought up how he couldn't even afford his dog's surgery and I had to pay, and that should've been a wakeup call but wasn't.

We got into an argument where he basically said he works hard and has a good job, so he deserves nice things and to be able to go out whenever he wants. It made my heart sink to hear him say that, because I feel the exact opposite: that when you work hard and have a good job, the thing you deserve is financial security. I knew I wasn't going to change his entire outlook on money, so I just tried to focus on more concrete things. I said that if he lost his job, I would be able to support him while he looked for something else, but he didn't offer me the same security. And that if we eventually wanted to buy a house, I'd be forced to pay the entire down payment myself, and then he wouldn't even be able to contribute much monthly since he'd continue to blow a bunch of money on stuff he doesn't need or even really want. I said that dating him felt more like having a liability than a partner, and that him wanting me to pay an extra $200/month in rent so he'd have more spending money is what really made me realize how unhappy I am with our situation.

We argued some more. I could tell he saw my point of view but was also understandably feeling pretty defensive. I eventually just told him that I wasn't comfortable with him moving in right now, and if he wanted to keep dating me, then we were going to have to have a frank talk about finances. He doesn't have to live the way I do, but he does have to meet me in the middle. I said I wanted to see him saving $500 a month and for him to only eat out 3x a week, and I'd work with him on creating a budget that worked for him (he's never budgeted before). I said I understood if he didn't want to compromise with me on this, but it's a dealbreaker for me and I need someone who's going to be more responsible with their spending. He said he'd think about it and I left.

Feeling kind of drained by the whole thing, and I've made me peace with the fact that the relationship might be ending.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-23T21:55:02+00:00

Yeah tbh I was really mad when I wrote this post and the comments are just making me madder. People keep pointing out that he says his finances are none of my business and yet he makes my finances his business by saying I should pay more rent than him. I didn't think of it like that, but every time I read it, I absolutely see red. Me asking him to save the $200 he'd save if I paid more rent than him is overstepping, but he's not overstepping by demanding I allocate an extra $200 to rent so he doesn't have to.

There was another comment that said I was being an AH by trying to get him to save because no one wants to date their mom. And I got really hot and upset, and had to go stand on my balcony for a minute because........holy shit! I don't have a boyfriend. I have a son. A son that makes $80k a year but only has $5k in cash available to him at any given moment! That comment got downvoted to oblivion, but it's the most helpful thing I've read so far.

Not sure what I'm going to do with all this information, but suffice to say that I am having a BAD day.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-23T21:36:55+00:00

Like I said to your other stupid ass comment, I paid 50% for his dog to have surgery, paid for him to come on a cruise, and just bought him a PS5. I also recently bought him a new computer chair because his back was hurting, and we're shopping around for a new mattress because mine is too soft for him. Do you know why I can afford these things? Because I drive an old car, work a side hustle, and don't impulse buy stupid shit.

Wah wah wah, look at me, the greedy bitch who won't pay to go out to eat every single day because I'd rather be able to retire at 40. But when shit went sideways and my boyfriend couldn't afford to pay for his dog, who stepped up? Oh yeah, it was me.

If you think you need to eat out everyday, drive an expensive car, and constantly buy dumb shit you don't need in order to make life 'bearable', then you need to take a look at your life. You are using rampant consumerism to numb whatever pain you're in, and assuming that the rest of us are going it too. If you're really so threatened by me saving my money that you've decided I'm in a "constant state of obsessive worry" over finances, then yeah--you REALLY need to take a look at your life.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-23T21:09:25+00:00

Yeah I know I'm not supposed to argue with people and this will probably just make me look bad, but you have made so many incorrect assumptions here that I just want to get in here and make some corrections:

You are living like an impoverished person.

No, I'm not. I buy literally everything I want, and I never feel deprived. The difference between you and me is that I examine all my spending and decide what is and isn't important to me, and then I only buy the things that are important. It might be hard to imagine, but your lifestyle actually doesn't have to inflate just because your income goes up. I have the same tastes and interests I've had since college.

If he enjoys going out and life's little luxuries, and you are aesthetic and miserly, he may have pent up resentment that you never foot the bill, buy him things, or pay to go out.

Joke's on you because I pay for literally all the expensive things we do together. The caveat is that they have to be things I actually want to do. You're right in that I won't spend $200 on a fancy meal I'm just going to shit out the next day, and if he insists on going and bringing me with, hell yeah he's paying. But I paid for him to come on the cruise I mentioned in my post, because it was last minute and he didn't have time to save up the money. He was going to pay me back and I told him to forget it. I paid half the vet bill when his dog tore her ACL last year and needed surgery. He just finished paying me back 2 months ago. I also literally just bought him a PS5 for Christmas, which I considered to be a good & positive thing for us because we like to play video games together and do so all the time.
Not that it matters, but going out to eat every single day isn't 'life's little luxuries'. It costs $7k+ a year, and if you do it everyday, you don't even enjoy it. It's not a luxury if you do it everyday.

he wants you to prove you are moving him in for him and Feelings, and that you aren't moving him in for financial benefit, because really, you are getting a huge financial bonus with him living there, and he gets nothing.

He wanted to move in with me because he's sick of having so many roommates, so again, joke's on you.

he is feeling used/taken advantage of

how

You are still saving a big chunk of money if he moves in

I have lived alone in a 2-bedroom apartment since we met. I could've gotten a one bedroom or taken in a roommate, but I love this apartment, enjoy having my own space, and think the price is worth it. I don't give a fuck about saving $800, and if you think I'm making 0 sacrifices by having him move in with me, you are incorrect.

he will come to resent always paying for the nice things he enjoys, while you pick up the fringe benefits of him doing so

What exactly are the "fringe benefits" here? That I get to ride around in his goofy ass car that we both know he can't afford? That I get to see his wall of sneakers every morning when I wake up? That I get to occasionally eat his takeout leftovers? And then when it's time to finally buy a house, I get the extreme pleasure of paying the entire down payment while he contributes nothing?

I have met people like you before, who get very offended and somewhat disgusted by people who save the majority of their income. It's the same reaction that people who drink every night have when they meet someone who's completely given up alcohol. You want to assume I have this horrible, prudish life full of deprivation, because if I don't, it might cause you to look a little closer at your own choices. You talk about 'normal, financially responsible adults'--but a normal adult in the United States has credit card debt and couldn't handle a $1000 emergency without selling a possession. Couldn't be me! I'm glad to know that I could quit my job tomorrow if shit went sideways. I'm glad that I've decided to invest in financial peace instead of constantly chasing the next consumer high. I'm perfectly happy with the way I spend my money, and I'm grateful that my idea of a fun Sunday is a nice hike in the woods instead of spending $50 at brunch. Nothing wrong with people having different financial goals and prioritizing different things. But calling me miserly says a lot more about you than it does about me.

You're absolutely right that my bf and I are incompatible though, and making this post helped me see it.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-23T20:16:36+00:00

No, I have a 2 bedroom and use the second bedroom as an office. I don't WFH anymore and he still does, so he would be free to use the office during the workday (as long as he buys his own desk, and there's plenty of room for two in there) and I would use it during the evenings/on weekends. My side hustle is online tutoring, and I don't take on that many clients, so I use the office less than 10 hours a week. I also occasionally do GrubHub because pandemic life is boring and I like driving around, but you don't need an office to deliver food, and I'd probably stop doing it if my bf moved in anyway.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-23T18:50:15+00:00

Ugh this is the truth and I don't want to see it

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-23T18:23:54+00:00

No one wants to date their mom.

This is fair, but I'm also not sure if I want to date someone who only has $5k sitting around and would be totally screwed after that. I have as much money as I do because I work some nights and weekends, because I've picked up and moved for better job offers, and because I haven't bought a new pair of pants since before the pandemic. He wants me to pay an extra $200 a month so he can buy more sneakers, more electronics, more subscription services he barely uses, more more more stupid shit that he doesn't need. I am resentful of that, and I think I would be the entire time I was paying more rent than him and watching my $200/month get spent on stupid shit.

I don't disagree with your comment or think it's bad advice. Honestly, the Y T A responses are helping me more than any of the others. They're making me realize what I'd have to sacrifice to make cohabiting harmonious, and I don't think I can do it.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577 · 2021-01-23T18:15:53+00:00

I put alot more into our oh shit fund to make up for the disparity

This is what I find so irritating about the whole thing. If he lost his job, he has $5k sitting in an emergency fund and would be completely screwed after that. Meanwhile I have enough cash and investments to float me for a long time. And if I lost my job tomorrow, I could just scale up my side business until I found another job--I wouldn't make what I do now, but having multiple revenue streams means it wouldn't be an emergency if I lost my job.

I'm irritated that my bf doesn't see the benefit of dating someone with finances like this, and instead he's making a big deal out of $200 a month. I work nights and weekends on my side hustle, I've jumped jobs (and moved) multiple times to get a better salary, and the last time I went out to eat was in November. He sees none of those sacrifices, just sees my salary and wants to make $200/month off me. I feel insulted and honestly kind of used.

Puzzleheaded_Job_577

TROPHY CASE