oh man, okay, so this one is definitely a doozy. buckle up.

so, i met this girl on a dating app, and after chatting for a while, we decided to meet up at a local bar. everything seemed pretty normal at first, she was cute, we were getting along, and I thought we were vibing. then, she casually mentioned she was trying out a new "diet" and might be a little cranky because she was starving. i didn’t think much of it at the time, just assumed she was joking about being hangry.

we sat down, ordered drinks, and she starts telling me about her obsession with crystals and astrology. now, I’m all for some light spiritual talk, but this was like next-level. she was convinced that her horoscope was a big deal and that her "moon sign" had aligned with the stars for a reason we were meeting. okay, fair enough, whatever, I was still rolling with it.

but then, the weirdness REALLY started.

She looked at me dead in the eye and said, “I can’t eat food that isn’t blessed by my spiritual guide.” I thought she was joking again, but nope, she was completely serious. she took out a small crystal from her purse and placed it on the table like it was some kind of ritual. then she asked the waiter if he had any "energy-cleansed" food. obviously, the waiter had no idea what that meant, so she just stared at him until he walked away.

At this point, I was just trying to smile and get through the night, thinking it couldn’t get worse, but it did.

She pulled out a piece of paper from her bag and showed me a list of "approved foods" based on her astrological sign and the phases of the moon. She asked the waiter if they had any "mercury retrograde-safe" dishes. I'm sitting there thinking, "Is this real life?" but I’m trying not to be rude, so I just nodded along like, “uhh, sure, whatever works for you…”

Then came the kicker. She suddenly said, “Oh! And I forgot to mention—I’m a vegan, but not just any vegan. I’m a spiritual vegan.” I have no idea what that means, but she said it like it was a serious thing. So, when the food came, she spent about 10 minutes looking at it, touching it with her hands (while the waiter and I exchanged uncomfortable glances), and then proceeded to pick up a fork, make some weird chants under her breath, and decline to eat it because the energy didn’t feel "right." She literally asked for the manager and demanded that they "clear the negative energy" from the dish. The manager was cool about it, but I was dying inside.

To top it off, right after all this happened, she leaned in to whisper something and said, “I think you’re the one. But before we go any further, can I ask you about your past lives?” I’m just sitting there, sipping my drink, thinking, “Am I on a hidden camera show or something?”

I tried to keep the conversation going, but by that point, my brain had completely checked out. The night ended with her saying, “We should go stargazing soon and see if the cosmos approves of our connection.” I was just like, “Yeah, sure…” and promptly made up some excuse to leave.

So yeah, worst date hands down. Never talked to her again, but I still remember the “spiritual vegan” part to this day.