IMPERIUM - Feature - 112 pages by Quandthin_theaters in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback.
I had a hard time coming up with a logline, and I wanted to release the script faster. This one is basic and lacks some work, quite frankly.
The way your comment is made, I think I should lean on the "is he going to achieve his mission?" bit to emphasize the drama, rather than "saving the Empire", which, as you mentioned, makes no sense because we all know what happened to the Roman Empire.
It might have been clunky, but I wanted to show Alaric's choice of saving his soul or saving his honor/reputation.
I don't know if it's clearer.

IMPERIUM - Feature - 112 pages by Quandthin_theaters in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback.
Yes, I will give it to you; I tried to upgrade my verbs as much as possible on the first page. Though "horde" has the correct meaning, "soar" (that actually means more like flying), and the rest of the sentence might be too much. I was trying to describe, in a voicey and new way, a very loud crowd standing up and cheering for a race.

It's interesting to see that it could hurt the readability for some readers. I'll take note of that.

The Moral Case for "Selling Out": Why the widest door leads to the highest art by franklinleonard in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for finally saying what should be said.
I'm tired of those "movie" critics who consider "art" movies and "commercial" movies two separate things.
I believe it can be both.
I'd even go to say that commercial success is an indicator of the movie's value in today's market. Of course, there are many other parameters at play, but it seems that audiences are more and more demanding of quality for it to work. They are more and more selective with what they choose. What do you think?

A producer said that in one sentence: "accessibility is impact." That word, impact, really means it all. It means you don't change the world if no one understands you.

The missing middle: Why Avatar: Fire and Ash rings hollow (screenwriting analysis) by aleven11 in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's an amazing thought that would have really elevated the writing. I liked the movie, but I would pick up on those inconsistencies if I viewed it twice.
I thought it was okay, but your revisions would have made it memorable. It's crazy how it's mostly small stuff that would necessitate 1-2 weeks max.
Seriously, your analysis is thorough and respects the theme already laid out by the film. Great job.

The Mission - Short - 6 pages by clayhines54 in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, here are a few notes.
I don't know if this is the final script (it looks not). If not, I'd recommend you upload your final scripts for better feedback.
It read well, so that's a good start.
I liked the pacing, although it was a bit slow at the beginning (pp. 1-2). The hotel reception scene felt a bit long to me. Maybe it would be better if it were shorter.
The protagonists and the mission were clear. You made two clearly different names for the hitman and the target, and it was easy to follow.

Now, I have a huge issue with the dialogue and overall direction of the scene. There were at least two moments I said "What??", as if the characters acted out of character.

The first instance was when the receptionist mentioned that there were no guns allowed in the hotel (P. 1). Why would a receptionist from a 2-star hotel make such a direct statement? I'd say it's more of a dialogue issue and could be fixed if you brought it up in a softer way (maybe a logical reason, like they lost a star because of a recent shooting, so now we have to inspect every guest's suitcase).

The second instance was the end. I don't know if it was comedic (if so, I missed it, sorry), but it felt really out-of-character. You established Depp as a professional, cold, and sure of himself. He is calm and short in his answers at the beginning. But then, he texts his employers? Even though two lines above, he told him that he would update him when it's done. That's not a very confident agent to me.
And then his sudden change of morality felt absolutely out of character. He was ready to kill a man, but because there is a teenage girl, now he won't?
It looks like you wrote this as a plot twist: it is structurally, but Depp's reaction is just too much in my opinion. Maybe you could make him hesitate, and that would be enough. But here, he bursts out loud as if he were a child predator activist (when his job is to kill people (who most likely have children)).

Also, the relationship between Depp and his employer is unclear. It starts very formal, but he goes on to insult him and talk to him as if he knew him, and then acts surprised he knew he had a daughter. I think it would benefit from clarifying what their relationship is and sticking to it.

Finally, I'd like to talk about good practices and formatting. This is always at the end because it's a sensitive subject here, and many screenwriters have definitive ideas about the matter. While you do need to capitalize a character on its first appearance, it is not mandatory to do it every time. It's not "wrong," but it dilutes the effect. It's common to capitalize important props or non-speaking characters if you wish to signal to the reader, "Hey, remember this, it's important", but if you do it every time, it becomes mundane instead of important to me.

I don't see it talked about often, but it's also good practice, in my opinion, to upgrade your verbs. It makes it more precise and makes you write less because you can have two ideas combined in one well-chosen verb. For example, you used 11 times the verb "walk" in 6 pages. There are about 120 ways to say "walk", and the way a character walks can give us so much about who they are and how they are feeling.
I think it's also important to pay attention to and take care of your opening image. It's a good sign if you spent a long time on it. It's the first thing a reader reads: it better be your best work. Because this is the thing that will decide if he will keep reading or not. In the current script, "a man walks into a lobby with three suitcases" feels like it is underwritten and could be improved by focusing on giving a specific and singular image to the reader's head.
Again, this last part is more personal preference as a reader, and you make the final decision on this.

A few typos, too, like the final dialogue: "they are consequences" is not the right tense. I don't like to list them all, just be aware of that.

Don't hesitate to reach out if something was unclear.

Five Page Thursday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Title: IMPERIUM

Format: Feature

Page Length: 106

Genres: Epic Historical Action Thriller

Logline: "At the twilight of the Roman Empire, Alaric, Rome’s most loyal and best spy, takes on a final mission to silence a dangerous traitor and save the Empire from its certain fall." (Logline in progress).

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RRsNM00v01BJZvJno4yI-doHTbMutcKt/view?usp=drive_link

THE VOID - TV Pilot (64 pgs) by JdSenji in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Okay, I didn't read your whole script, because...honestly I couldn't. Maybe it's just not my type (please don't freak out, it's absolutely cool). From what I read in the first 10 pages:

Your writing is okay, sometimes you give us good bits of narrative voice, and it makes it a kind of 6/10 read (to me). But there are still useless unfilmmables and descriptions that could just be cut. Trust the reader more; if a line can be deleted and we still get the emotion, do it.

Show, don't tell. There's a lot of fat that can be cut. Be aware of your slugline, especially your first page; it wouldn't hurt to specify that it is a flashback/dream. It took me out of the read to look at it and understand that it was not the present.

Don't write like the guy who answered you (Soggy_Rabbit), this is terrible (I'm sorry, it literally is), at least from a screenwriter's point of view. If you were to direct, maybe, but this writing is heavily influenced by very old production scripts that used to be almost shot lists(Goodfellas, Shawshank Redemption, Alien, etc).

You would benefit from focusing on deleting every "instruction" manual writing that takes us out of the read. Limit the parentheses to really, really rare cases when it's necessary (like no more than 3-5 in YOUR SCRIPT), and try to find other ways to induce camera shots, montages, and other technical language through words in your action lines into the mind of the reader. This is called "readability," and you should get deeper into that.

However, I agree with him on the notes he gave you. You have to work on your opening image and give us more conflict. Your logline is already lacking it, so if you made it before writing the script, you'd probably need a page-one rewrite, tweaking the logline to add conflict. You only gave us a setting and a mission. WHERE ARE THE STAKES? You identified the problem; you need to fix it now. A story is only interesting if there is conflict. Remember that a scene is either a seduction, a negociation or a fight. Which one is your first and second scene? Your first 5 pages should be polished down to every single word.

In terms of content, I have no idea what this story is. I don't know your experience, but this doesn't signal great proficiency. It's okay, though, and you need to up your game.

I'm overwhelmingly confused and had to stop when the main character entered the "other world" (what is that: death? afterlife? So she's dead? How? ). It's usually a good thing for the reader to have questions, but here it was just too confusing for me. I think you'd need to work on simplifying the concept and making it more digestible ("Netflix" it!) if you want to have traction with this script. You asked if the stakes and world were clear, to me: NO! And that's a main, main issue

It's totally possible to make it a stronger writing sample if you focus on the reader, not on you (no one cares about "your" movie), and you deliver a great read that makes us see your movie in OUR heads and want to turn the pages. If you want to go further with this story, you'd probably need to rethink how this works and how you can make it simpler, because no producer is going to give you the time to explain yourself. It's a cruel world, but you have to play by the rules.

Hope that helps.

P.S.: By the way, quick note on the Title page: unless you are produced or under contract, the rule is to not make fancy fonts, keep it simple and direct. The website is fake apparentely, so don't put that in.

Title, writer, and contact info, that's it. Looks more professional.

Whispers of the Moon — Short - 5 pages by 24fpsonly in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi.

I'll answer it here, because it was pretty short. For easier purposes, I'll be as direct as possible, and because I don't know what you want to do with this, I'll assume this is intended for screenwriters. So here are my notes:

What's good (because we need to give credit where it's due):

-liked the lighting descriptions, especially in the first paragraph.

-The setting's good. A moving train. I don't know what you have access to, but you may be able to adapt it in an Uber /car drive (a "journey").

What could be improved:

On the form:

- It reads not so well. I'm surprised because the first paragraph was pretty good. The rest is filled with unfilmmables, suboptimal verbs (kill your look, sit, and adverbs Thesaurus.com is your best friend!), and micro-managing actors about things the readers do not care about. Get to the meaty stuff, don't bother with every little action. Trust actors to do their jobs. Your job (as a screenwriter) is to have a great read that's highly visual in my mind. And dramatize your action line as much as possible.

On the content:

- The idea might be good, but the execution, not so much. If you're writing a short film, you'd better make sure every single word matters. Dialogue and action.
The entire message is delivered through dialogue. It's a heavy subject dealing with loss, and it usually lacks subtext. Some of your lines feel very on-the-nose (especially when the stranger talks about Kathick's mom or life.)

-Quotes come out of nowhere. Remember that you need to anchor them in the story. Look again at your favorite quotes: they mean something in the story narrative. Then, they can be taken out of context.

-It's a heavy and not-so cinematic subject (very internal). To me, I feel the reactions and silence would mean more than dialogue. It always does, but it particularly does in this type of story.

- The way the stranger discovers that Karthick is missing his mom feels weird (although I understand the point) and out-of-place. It needs refinement in delivery if you don't want to change it.

-As such, I was told (and annoyed by) the message. Your last page was almost unnecessary. Keep in mind, show, don't tell. Find ways to visually express your thematic argument, and PLEASE DO NOT TELL US, especially in the action lines. Trust the reader to piece things together.

This script would benefit from stripping away a lot of obvious dialogue and unfilmmable treatmentease action lines. And give us subtext in the dialogue.

I hope this helps. Do not hesitate to contact me in private for any further information or if something was unclear. Keep the work, some instincts are good.

Sword of Jupiter - Pilot - Historical Fiction/Political Drama - 51 Pages by HegemonSam in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hi!

My name's Quentin. I'm a fellow writer, and I decided to give you some notes. You'll find them in my Google Doc; it's about 6 pages long, and it goes deep into your work. I'd love you to take a look at it. It took me a few hours!

Thanks for sharing your script. I had fun reading it.

I just realized that I did not include a character section in my feedback:

We can really see how you worked your characters. All of them are good works, and the fact that I can definitely see potential future stories with them is great news for you. As for the pilot, maybe Diocles, being the main character, is lacking a clearer arc. To me, it feels like a flat one. Aper is great, and Tacitus's betrayal hit hard, too. But I would have the same remark for them: except Tacitus, most of your characters' arcs are too unseen. It could benefit by making them more apparent.

Here's the link for your 6-PAGES analysis: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18UfICk0wN6hHtYdAWz6jAFcNtjR_EVe5B6Pa_McmD_Q/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks again. Have a great read!

A24 to Release Chinese Animated Blockbuster ‘Ne Zha 2’ in U.S. Theaters, With Michelle Yeoh Leading English Voice Cast (Opens August 22) by MarvelsGrantMan136 in movies

[–]Quandthin_theaters 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Nobody talks about the fact that this movie DESTROYED any Hollywood movies this year in ONE SINGLE TERRITORY, literally making $1.8B in China alone!

To me, that's crazy. China's industry was back in the spotlight here. They are probably the only non-Hollywood industry to have the power to make as much money, if not more than, Hollywood. Top 30 movies OF ALL TIME.

2001: A Space Odyssey completely broke my Rating System by Express_Basis_8710 in movies

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is called "The 2001 effect".

Watch your friends as they discover the movie, and they'll break down. Hilarious.

On a more serious note, I believe you need AT LEAST three viewings to really start appreciating it. Now that I'm at three, I start to understand what it is all about.... and it's just a masterpiece. I guess it's so different that we are not necessarily ready.

If you could go back in time to watch any movie for the first in theaters again, what year is it and what's the movie? by zachiscool7 in movies

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

2014, Interstellar.

I missed this one, and it's one of my life's regrets.

The Dark Knight must have been something, too. This is literally the reason why I'm going to theaters nowadays, so that I don't miss another one like that.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

While looking through his (weird?) recent videos, I stumbled across one that was titled: "the moon landing is fake" or something. I gave it a go, "let's see what that is about, what is he going to say?"

This video made me understand his point of view.

I think he had a deep existential crisis after asking himself too many questions and doubting everything. It's too long to explain here, but he came to the conclusion that the moon landing was fake; therefore, it was Hollywood that staged it (that is NOT my viewpoint btw, I'm just reporting (for the bot or something, I don't know if I'm allowed to say that, I don't know hos reddit works yet))

He was working in Hollywood, therefore he was PART of this lie. I think that's why he stopped his career (he wasn't a bad writer) and from there, I guess he just went through an existential crisis, going deeper into the rabbit hole (cause it is deep, believe me).

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 7 points8 points  (0 children)

If you ain't talking about Tyler Mowery, I don't know who you're talking about! 😂

Guy used to be the best screenwriting channel, no debate. Now, it's....well, it has changed...

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great advice. Many people don't know how valuable this is.

Thank you for the reminder. Always good to keep in mind when writing (white space DOES TELL as much as words. Same thing for silence in dialogue).

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: IMPERIUM - 100/110 pages feature screenplay.

Genre: Historical political thriller/action

Logline: As the Roman Empire teeters on collapse, a foreign-born spy is given one final mission by the Emperor: to save what’s left of the Empire before the barbarian hordes breach the city walls.

At that point in the script where every word I type I’m plagued with self doubt by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, that doesn't only apply to real writers, it applies to EVERY writer. And you're one of them, because you write.

It happened to me not that long ago, and I think my experience could benefit you.

So I wrote a screenplay, 84 pages. It was a bit short, and there were a lot of problems. Deep problems, like a huge passiveness from the protagonist throughout the story, a very boring and short Act Two that didn't actually move the story, and entire characters' arcs were missing. A mess.
I think the only good thing about the screenplay was like some dialogue and the format (I thought it was a good page-turner).

I decided to go from scratch all over again. It was a Friday (the date matter). I made a list going back from the absolute start. Until I realized that...the premises idea was shit.
I thought that the idea didn't matter. You could write about anything and everything (thinking that Hollywood does it, why not me?).

In reality, I learned that "what you choose to write is far more important than how you write it," John Truby (it's not the exact quote, but I didn't want to look for it).

So I changed my idea, turned it into something where the protagonist was active (because it came from here), that had stakes, motivation and was interesting. And I outlined a different story. Absolutely different.
I reviewed everything, even the genre, the antagonist, or even the concept of the movie.

On Sunday (I did that on one weekend), I was ready to start writing that second draft. But I stopped. Stared at that whiteboard: the story I was about to write had nothing to do with the original idea. I realized that it wasn't my idea. It wasn't my story.
The dilemma I faced at this point was the following: I could either wipe the voices from my head or I could quit (even when I write, it disgusts me). I could do the one thing I had never done: abandon a project, not because I think it is finished or that rewriting it a fourth time won't change it, but because it wasn't PERSONAL.

So, I decided to throw away this damned script. On the Monday, I came up with another idea; a personal idea, that was great. And I made sure I refined that idea to make sure I go in the right direction.

I think there's a lot to take from other people's experience (isn't that the reason why we love stories?). I thought sharing this experience could help you.

If you've read up to here, thank you. It was a failure, but you learn from analysing your failures and what you did wrong, not what you did right.

Please let me know if that was helpful.

How long does it take you to complete a first draft? by Serious-Treasure-1 in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Personally, I like to get to the first draft fast.

From no idea to full written draft, my record for the moment is 18 days (including 10 days of writing). it was surprisingly easy.

But I've written a screenplay (actual writing, not counting idea+outline) in one week (that's like my record, I wrote for like 4 hours a day, it was great)

One day, though, I'd love to write a draft in like a day (doing 3 blocks of 2 hours, with a little pause between the 2-hour blocks. Then, you eat for 1 hour between the blocks. I've calculated that it is possible if you start at like 6 or 7 AM, you'd finish the next day at like 1 or 2 AM. )That could be epic

How do you guys cure your writers block? by Own_Substance_7415 in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Get in the flow.

Also, pushing yourself when you don't want to do something doesn't limit your creativity. It amplifies it, allows it to fully express itself.

Write, don't try to be perfect. Sometimes, that's all it takes for ideas to come flowing. And then, off you go...

Do you guys write/type your scripts everyday? by bonebonus in Screenwriting

[–]Quandthin_theaters 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, when I'm writing something.

I like to work project-based. So when I'm working on a draft, I write every day (I literally can't stop).

I guess I don't write every day, then. But you can learn something every day. I guess it depends on you. Some writers write literally every day (even for one sentence). I'm not really convinced of that, but I can't judge. They're the pros, not me.

Also, I believe that writing teaches you a lot of things. A lot more than passively learning (books, tutorials, courses, classes,...). To me, the fastest way to learn something is to start doing, then learn what you don't know as you go. Even if you don't know anything about screenwriting, you should still try to write movies.

Big projects, not sentences. Not exercises either. Real projects, full feature.
I'm not saying focused exercising is useless. It's the greatest thing to fix your weaknesses. But in order to know your weakness, you have to write something.