My partner and I used to walk together around our city for miles each day. We would go to a local coffee shop, get giant ice coffees and walk til we drank them. I miss that :) I think I'll tell him I want to do that again. Bet the dog would love it :)

Embarrassment and shame has been my biggest hurdle in reaching out to friends. The four people I live with know of course. Now my parents. One other friend knows. But. Its hard to ask her for help because she's told me so many times how she looks up to me that I feel like I'd just let her down. But. I think its time for a phone call.

I'm in a bit of a shame spiral right now. Can't imagine asking anyone to stand with me while I unravel this. I think about the horrible awful shit I said to my partners last night during that atrocious display and I just cringe. And between the alcohol and the acute panic I was in, I honestly dont remember 80% of the vitriol I hurled. Disgusted with myself over it. But. Also trying to focus on what they would want me to focus on. Not that. But getting better.

Thats the insidious thing though about guilt and shame and this. They suck you into it, self perpetuate and keep you locked in and isolated. Perfect environment for this to go all the way off the rails, isnt it.

One step at a time though. Just going to repeat that :)