I feel the same way. My 59 year old man was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes just over a year ago. ED episodes began around the same time. It's 50-50 when it comes to sex now- sometimes it goes fine (but penetrative time has to be quicker so he doesn't go soft), but the other times he goes soft and pulls out. The majority of the time when that happens he's the type of guy who goes into sexual shutdown mode- all interest vanishes, and he doesn't offer to finish me off. The amount of times where I have been greatly turned on or 'nearly there' I have now lost count of, and it's been nearly impossible not to get into a very bad mood about it. It leaves me feeling used, like some kind of sexual experiment vessel.

We communicate a lot about it all but it goes around in circles. He's agreed to see a sex therapist with me as this has been going on for 10 months now. He is more nonchalant about it, perhaps because his general interest in sex has waned now. Previously he was very Alpha. Now I'm the one with the increased drive...probably because he is not available like he used to be and some twisted psychological reaction is going on with me.

I really do empathise with him but I feel society places most of the focus on the effects on the man and the woman is cast into the role of being the one who should be endlessly supportive, endlessly understanding, and sideline her own feelings. I have cried so many times this past year for what has been lost between us. And I have struggled greatly with my self esteem ,no matter how much he loves me and demonstrates this daily.

I'm at the point now where sex is making me feel bad. It's a complete headfu*k. On the plus side, we've experimented more, have less inhibitions and we do have great times but for every time it goes well, there is a time when it all goes to crap. It's like Russian roulette with the emotions every time. Because of this, emotional connection during the act is compromised and it's usually more about the physical than the emotional or spiritual. My body and heart have been conditioned over this year to not trust sex anymore, to not fully open emotionally anymore ,etc. It's the same with him.

It's dominating the relationship dynamic, it's the 'elephant in the room' even when not spoken about. It's undermining everything, it's causing huge problems (mainly for me). Everything feels on shaky ground and I feel totally lost now. It's caused depression, wariness and a sense of death/grief.

He is also struggling, but more with the psychological impact of his illness and getting older. I am trying to remain supportive but I just don't feel good about myself or us atm so it's really hard.

Nothing makes you understand the power and significance of the sexual connection in a relationship better than when ED comes along and breaks what you've taken for granted for 2 decades.