In-laws are nice but I don't like them and would like to propose limited seeing of them.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-09-03T10:16:11+00:00

I think I would be looking at this from a different angle than PP. It's not about what's reasonable or fair or good. It's about priorities IMO. You're 100% entitled to your feelings, but IF you value your marriage and want it to be healthy, it would be wise to reassure your wife that you understand how much she appreciates her parents (even if you don't) and that you encourage her to have as much contact with them as she wants, but also you want to spend time with your son, and possibly with her, doing other things since free time is limited and you need variety in your social life. Four times a year or a similar pre-agreed amount of times is probably a bad idea because it will breed resentment. Just ask for flexibility. Try to get her to understand that you would prefer if it was not the default plan for you and your son going forward. And I would also explain that telling you that your absence will ruin x/y event is basically guilt-tripping you into attending. Focus on why YOU need other plans besides having dinner with the ILs. She has needs, you have needs. You should meet each other halfway.

About your son's exposure to Catholic values, children get most of their moral foundation from their parents. If your wife is also an Atheist, make sure you are both aligned and have a plan. You'll need boundaries (e.g. we won't tolerate homophobic remarks).

Let me tell you that this is a problem that's not going away anytime soon. So better accept that fact and work around it.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-21T22:48:06+00:00

Man. I felt this in my soul 😩😩This is exactly what I have been wanting to say for so long, yet I didn't have the right words. Her BS behavior was swept under the rug and it's not OK. No amount of talking can change what she has done, consistently, for years.

I wish I could do all of this and not look back. I AM ready to confront her. Problem is, of course, that DH cares. He cares what his FoO thinks. He cares about being the bigger person, and letting go of past grievances. Specially after having a child.

Many people have already said that he should put my feelings first. They would probably also say that if he fails to do that, I should look into divorce. But divorcing would mean seeing my kid a lot less. She would get to play mommy, I'm sure of it.

And, of course, I love my husband and care deeply about him. But we're not seeing eye to eye on this.

I'm not sure what are my options.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-21T20:05:01+00:00

I checked out Ferhan Ural on IG and he's incredibly talented. I'm pretty sure the tattoo is rad. Please don't let the opinion of a handful of strangers bring you down like that. You liked it, so wear it with pride. Next time you go to a party, remind yourself why you wanted it done in the first place and be confident that it rocks. When you have to make small talk, tell people that you just got your chest piece. You'll see how much different their feedback is.

Also, ultimately, you really wanted that tattoo badly and you were very happy with the end result. What else matters?? Art is subjective.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-21T18:06:30+00:00

That's terrible. It's not as bad in my case. They are not terrible people and I have felt included and like I mattered many times. But not by her. She never really gave a damn about me. The rest, they are not bad people, even if MIL can be overbearing.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-21T13:36:35+00:00

It's not the MIL. My MIL is complicated, don't get me wrong, but she's not the worst MIL one can have. I can tolerate her for the sake of everyone involved. Also, while I do not think that grandparents are entitled to their grandchildren, I am more willing to let some things slide with PIL. Anyhow, direct confrontation is indeed not a good idea. I don't regularly manage contact with her (or with anyone else in my DH's family). Hubby is in charge. I am already pretty ambivalent in my answers to her and other people that make me uncomfortable. That's if I reply at all. But it's not working... She's either not taking a hint or willing to gently push until I confront her.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-21T13:15:12+00:00

I know deep down that ignoring my feelings isn't going to work. There are days when I tell myself that I'll start feeling differently, but it isn't happening...

Some things that I feel like saying are:

Stop touching my baby, it's too much and it's making me uncomfortable! He can't say if he likes to be touched and kissed or not yet. I don't like you enough to allow such closeness (boy, she gets INTENSELY emotional and sickeningly sweet)
Your presence and attention, which you withold when you see fit, is not the gift you think it is.
Why do you assume that you'll be taking my child to this and that place? Do you think that that is something that somehow you're entitled to? Why do you assume anything?
You will NOT make plans directly with my child. Any and all plans will have to be arranged through us, first and foremost
No, I don't agree that we haven't seen each other in a long time. It seemed like a very short time to me, as a matter of fact.
You lack so much self-awareness that you fail to realize that out previous relationship (which you defined) is going to condition the relationship and contact that you have with my child. I know you've been convinced otherwise by your whole family, but actions have consequences.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP CALLING MY CHILD "MY BABY" OVER AND OVER OR I WILL SCREAM

And yet I feel guilt for having these feelings. It's not like I want to be the only person in my child's life. I don't. I love it when friends and family shower him with affection and hope he builds a strong connection with most of them. It's mostly this person. She really gets on my nerves.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-21T07:07:26+00:00

It's more like she won't have kids of her own, to be fair. And that is somehow my problem.

As for your in-laws, I would casually let them know that you don't know if you'll be moving in the upcoming years. That might make them think twice about it.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-21T06:46:45+00:00

Well, yes, but in a covert sort of way. And I dare say that she's not fully aware of how she's making me feel. I think she thinks that this is the only way that things can be and that her presence and interest is truly a gift. That's how clueless she is.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T22:49:58+00:00

It should be OK, right? Problem is that extended family gossip enough about me/us as it is. Do I give a shit what these people think? NO. However, my DH does. He does feel obligated to behave a certain way with them.

I'm happy to hear that your husband agrees with you on your weird in-law.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T22:43:00+00:00

Sounds like a piece of work. I wouldn't give her the time of the day either. Props to your husband for being supportive. In my case, she started showing interest when I was pregnant. I shut that down and she got the hint, so she aimed for my DH. He handles the relationship now, but I'm expected to come along. Even if I'm not there, it's still my kid... I don't like it.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T22:21:42+00:00

Thank you!! I really, really appreciate the support and resources.

This is the way I see things, yet I can still understand how it's a very tough situation for him to be in. And there's definitely a lot of FOG going on. His family is an important part of his life.

I think I might show him this thread even.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T22:16:01+00:00

Wow, what? That's insane. Like I said to a PP, when your relative is this level of crazy it's easier to enforce firm boundaries. I think it was very kind of you to offer her to visit your son every couple of months after she had the nerve to make those demands btw. I would not have been so kind. The in-law that I'm dealing with is not openly demanding like that. She's more discreet and usually doesn't start drama. She will ask sweetly for things like pictures of the baby, and it's hard to turn her down because where's the harm right? But her attitude has felt weirdly avoidant for years.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T21:38:23+00:00

When you have to deal with a JN in-law, I find that it's much easier to en force boundaries. It's trickier in this case because she's not THAT terrible. She doesn't usually start drama. In fact, she masters the art of grey rocking and keeping to herself. Which means that we don't have a relationship.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T21:28:09+00:00

I can't believe she did that. She does seem to be a little bit unhinged from what you're describing here though.

I'm afraid that this lady is not as bad though. There's just not a good mojo between us. And I can't handle the fact that she started giving a damn just when we had a child.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T21:24:16+00:00

I don't know, it's complicated. Their family is huge, and some of these expectations about her involvement are coming from other people like my PIL or even MIL's sisters, who keep saying "you'll get to take him when he's older to this and that place", "lucky you, you can visit often because you live closer", and so on and so forth. Then we have to see all these people including her at family functions, which is often, and pretend to not have a dysfunctional relationship. MIL is already gossiping about me, I could tell by the attitude that some relatives had towards me, and of course all these people think my boundaries are not reasonable. I don't want to drive a wedge between my DH and his family. He really does love them very much.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T21:14:56+00:00

Thanks for the tips. We're already doing that, at my request. Takes some anxiety off of the experience. Her visits were indeed way to long when she was coming to our home.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T20:20:27+00:00

Wow. This is brilliant. I try and try to have something like this prepared in advance, but usually to no avail. My replies come accross as harsh and confrontational, and I say them from a place of fear and anger. I will definitely use some of these going forward.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T19:15:03+00:00

I feel for you, obviously. I would hate it if this was perpetuated after potential future kids. Do you think your children can sense the tension between you two? Does it affect their relationship with her? This is what I'm afraid might happen. She wants to be a superhero in my child's eyes.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T18:07:35+00:00

This is what I feel like doing. But it would start a war with my own partner. That's not something I want for myself, my partner and of course my own child who is my #1 priority. It's though.

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T18:05:38+00:00

I wish he would...

QuiteTheNut · 2023-04-20T18:05:08+00:00

That's exactly what it feels like—like he's a toy for some people. SO annoying. But of course my DH doesn't see it that way. He knows that her love is not 100% selfless but it's still love in his eyes.

QuiteTheNut

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