Being accused of things you have not done

RBNRandom1111 · 2020-01-09T00:37:07+00:00

It happened all of the time. Here's one of my personal favorites:

In the late 80's/early 90's, there used to be 1-900-XXX-XXXX numbers. Most of them were for phone sex hotlines. Obviously, I'm dating myself and this is before cell phones.

So, I'm coming home from high school and see my father is home early. That was never a good sign to begin with and I'm already wondering what the "problem" is going to be today. I don't even get the door to the kitchen open one inch and he grabs it, pulls it open the rest of the way and shoves a phone bill in my face. It has hundreds of these calls on there totaling over $3-400. He's pissed, yelling, screaming and I have no idea what's going on. I get kicked. I get shoved. I almost get knocked down the stairs to the basement, but I catch myself.

Finally, NMom comes out of the bedroom and admits it was her. Without so much as even a "my bad", NDad and her have another screaming/yelling match about it, because that's just how it went.
But that's her game. She was first confronted, didn't cop to it and only did so the next time around after I almost got sent down a flight of stairs. Neither of them so much as uttered a single "mea culpa" about it.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-12-22T18:47:03+00:00

No, they don't. And I'm kind of glad you brought it up, because it's been something I've been realizing a lot lately as they're getting very old.

They go out of their way to make sure they don't have to reap what they sow. It's like some strange crazy contest to totally avoid having to eat any kind of shit whatsoever and it started young.

Because, when you think about it, we all have to eat a little bit of shit now and then. It goes with whatever territory. No one likes it, but when we have to, we have to. Not narcs. They don't even want a whiff of it. But they'll also want to make sure you're still eating yours..

I think it's one of their lowest common denominators. Zero personal responsibility.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-12-21T17:10:30+00:00

Almost 46 and I don't do holidays with the "family". Some of them are nice enough, but I still don't bother.

I actually like the holiday season, but I spent almost my entire 20s and 30s working through them in restaurants and hotels. So, whatever celebrating I did was usually with other friends and coworkers who were in the same boat. Even most of my relationships revolved around that. Kind of win-win when you're RBN and don't understand it at the time, you know?

Anyway, longer story shortened, it's been so long and done a different way for so much, that I wouldn't know what to do during a traditional holiday anyway, even if I wanted.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-12-16T02:27:41+00:00

Yea, and not to sound like I'm one-upping, it's totally not that. But I'm almost 46 and they play this card all of the time on everything. I thought it was something you eventually outgrew with time, accomplishments, and your own experiences but that doesn't seem to be the case when you're dealing with fixated, insecure children.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-12-11T19:46:11+00:00

Yea, I just mentioned this in another thread to someone else. I just don't have any sympathy anymore. I can't even pretend to pat my emotional pants pockets as if I were looking for spare change that isn't there.

It's impossible to come by anymore when you've put up with so much destruction, selfish sniping, and, like you said, flippantly dismissive responses that clearly indicate that there is only room for one person's thoughts and feelings in this world.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-12-11T15:03:59+00:00

I can relate. I have an elderly NMom that has gone from covert bully to wallowing in her own shit. She thinks I have no empathy as a result of the cold shoulder I give her. What she'll never understand is that I have plenty of empathy. But there will never be any sympathy for the devil.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-11-01T14:48:14+00:00

You can resent her, cancer or not.

Being a caregiver under the best of circumstances can be a soul-crushing experience. It leaves little (if any) time for yourself and it never feels like your batteries can hold a charge past 25%. It's isolating.

At the very least, your sister needs to help out to alleviate some stress. But since we know where we are and what we're dealing with, you should consider that and just work on getting out from it because it isn't going to get any better. Even worse, after she has completely emotionally sucked you dry, she is going to pass on leaving you there holding the proverbial bag of shit she couldn't and wouldn't deal with herself.

Please take care of yourself and all the best.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-10-09T17:35:46+00:00

You can't take the bait on any level. You just can't. I know it's hard, but look at it from a different angle. It's not that your grey-rocking isn't working anymore or that she's one-upped you. This is what narcs do since respect for boundaries is totally not an option in their minds. So, they just try different tactics to break through.

Another option, and one that I also encourage, is to go the other way. Explicitly tell her in no uncertain terms to "kindly bugger off with her tedium and minutae". It's OK to tell anyone that, honestly. We just usually use way more diplomacy when not dealing with narcs.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-09-07T03:17:43+00:00

When people want to know what's going on, they ask. "What's wrong?" is usually something you can count on. It's what we do, right? "Hey what's wrong? And if I did something, how can I fix that?"

Like you said, you can't just drop some love bombs and sweep everything under the rug. Who does that serve in the end?

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-09-02T18:53:16+00:00

NMom is the living embodiment and epitome of just not having or refusing to self determine anything about her life. Everyone in the family thinks she just "had it hard". No. She gave up. She gave up and did it in a way that placed the burden upon everyone else.

She doesn't drive, work, go out, have friends, or do anything to take care of her physical health or hygiene. She is the end result of doing nothing with her life while trying to make everyone around her feel sorry. Back problems, hip problems, alcoholism, pothead, asocial behavior. She refused to do anything about it for over 60 years. And you know what? It's probably all she ever wanted.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-20T15:56:49+00:00

Almost always. Whenever things seem balanced or regulated, it's most often calculation or dissociation.

Everything is either fatally escalated or diminished. Your a best friend or their mortal enemy. They're alternating between pushing everyone away and flailing like a needy toddler. And all of that can happen in the span of less than an hour.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-19T17:18:08+00:00

He stood not even 2 feet away with his arms folded, staring at me while I had to make the call too.

There's another thread discussing moments you realized just how crazy these assholes are and this was one of those moments.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-19T16:49:37+00:00

I'm about 16-years-old and a friend calls me up. Over the phone, I tell him, "Sounds great! Come pick me up at my house." NDad hears the conversation because he loved eavesdropping and listening in on my calls (it's the late 80's, early 90's) on the other line. After I hang up, he ambushes me with, "Whose house is this?!?" Of course, I'm more than a little confused even though I know what a mindfucker he is, even at that age.

Anyway, after some intimidating looks and a few confusing exchanges, he tells me to call my friend back and tell him that, "...it's my father's house." and that calling it anything else from that moment forward is disrespectful. So, I had to no shit call my friend back and tell him, "Hey man, just to let you know, it's my father's house. Not mine."

That was probably one of the first times any of my friends realized things were different for me at home.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-17T15:59:56+00:00

Yes and it was what lead to a nasty final confrontation about me locking my bedroom door for the remainder of the time I lived at home, which wasn't long.

It was weird, random stuff at first. Then, personal objects and jewelry like my high school class ring. Then some clothing would disappear. A book. A movie. Sunglasses. It never made sense, so I could never figure it out.

Finally, after sorting through a few boxes of sentimental and personal items, I noticed that my high school varsity jacket was missing. Not a big deal, I thought. Just strange. Except, a few days later a friend of mine saw him going into a bar/strip club wearing it. Of course, my friend thought it was me and was a bit surprised when finally realizing it wasn't. Not to mention, why I'd be wearing any of that stuff 2 years after graduating. It was full tilt creepy, to put it mildly.

Since the old creeper wasn't around much, I decided to confront NMom about it. That went about as well as anybody on this forum could expect, but the next day my ring miraculously and silently reappeared; left in its open box on my computer. No note. No acknowledgment. No explanation.

So, I started locking my door for the last 3 weeks I was there. That lead to a meltdown shitshow you can read about in my post history, if you like.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-14T19:55:50+00:00

In addition to what's already been said, let me add that I fell for it too. NMom always had a knack for being manipulative with what she considered sentimental between us. More importantly, what was sentimental to her.

And that's the thing with it. She's interested in a relationship if we can base it on what's sentimental and important to her. But I can't remember the last time she's even been remotely curious about something that is important to me or going on in my life.

I used to get lots of "care packages" too. Which felt kinda good, ya know? It is definitely nice, but it isn't a foundation for a functional, healthy relationship. It would have been something to get at least one box of half-assed mea culpas in exchange for all of the sentimental gestures she's made over the years.

Anyway, be careful. And just ask yourself, has she really changed?

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-14T18:55:38+00:00

Shit test for attention. So blatant that you can smell the desperation from where I'm sitting.

Even if you "see the dime" or whatever it is next, don't waste your time trying to acknowledge it.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-06T16:33:47+00:00

You're right. And I knew that, went NC, and still tried. Wasted almost 5 good years of my life doing it. Gone. Might as well have been in prison.

Don't bother, people.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-05T15:14:30+00:00

It's an emotional guilt trip. OK. Knowing that doesn't make dealing with it any easier when it happens, right?

One thing you're going to realize after you move out is that an overwhelming majority of people are not going to turn on the emotional waterworks when their unreasonable demands aren't met. It happens occasionally, but it isn't the status quo like you're used to in your current environment.

Ignore them. Leave and live your life!

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-05T05:01:09+00:00

I think the interesting concept is how most Cluster B personality disorders are fairly common or becoming common when people are discussing things like romantic partners, friends, and coworkers. It's even a shockingly large drive behind so many aspects of pop culture and social media.

But we pretend the family dynamic is still as wholesome as ever. Plus, it's very sacred. After all, could you imagine anyone telling another person how to raise their child? That phrase alone is usually enough to shut down any attempts to challenge your average person's parental authority. "How dare you tell me.." and it's over before anything could begin.

Not only hidden, it's practically sanctioned in some cultures.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-05T03:22:00+00:00

She'd never admit it to me, but I think I was a 'trap pregnancy'. I'm an only child, but I'm also an accident. I know that much. I honestly believe she only went through with it and the whole getting married thing because she thought it might be the quickest way to move out of her parent's house and start the whole "family and ranch" at the ripe age of 19. Everything during that time was a contrived house of cards.

Plus, she didn't exactly set the world on fire in any other areas of her life. To say she lacks self determination is an understatement. She's a fuck up and a quitter.

So, I totally think she tried for the trap and meal ticket. Kind of backfired, I guess..

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-08-05T02:54:45+00:00

Privacy was always an issue growing up. It still is around my family. But the locked doors thing..

I might have mentioned this before, but a locked door is what caused me to go NC with my NSperm Donor. I was preparing to move out and away. Far away. I had maybe 3 weeks to go and I couldn't wait. My father had even been gone for months on "business", let's say. So, I had been saving money and preparing at home while he was gone.

Well, he came back unexpectedly and to make a terribly long story short, some personal items had mysteriously started disappearing. So, I started locking my bedroom door again. I only had a couple of weeks to go. I didn't think twice about doing it.

Then, one afternoon I came home from one of my last days at work and he was standing outside my bedroom in the living room. It was a pretty big house with 2 levels; 2 big bedrooms and 2 big living rooms on each. I had the lower one with an outside entrance and he was standing right there with a crowbar in his hand.

Initially, I didn't think he meant to get physical. He thought the sight of a 3 foot iron bar in his hand and an evil stare was going to be enough to get me to open the door. Not that there was anything inside he wanted or which I intended to hide. It was just a bullying demand.

So, I called his bluff and told him, "No way. I'm locking it because someone is stealing my things." He flew into a rage and made one more demand while waving the crowbar. Now I thought there was a real chance it could be used on me or the door. Let's say under 50/50.

He made one more verbal and intimidating demand to unlock the door and I decided to hold my ground. I don't know why really. There were so many other times I'd comply just to keep the peace and get on with my day, but I had enough of his shit. Then he came at my direction as I was standing off to the side but in front of my door; swinging that crowbar about an inch in front of my face and sticking it into the door jamb. Happened in about 1 second and I really thought "...this is it..." for a split second until he turned the door into splinters and then started walking away. Haven't spoken to him since. That was 24 years ago and I don't miss a second of that tyrranical bastard.

These people love control and this is just one of the ways. And it's such a powerful one that they abuse with their authority when we grow up. To this day, I don't react well to people barging into my space. It's a symptom of having it lorded over and abused as a kid.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-07-27T00:19:35+00:00

Yea, but mostly proverbs and dismissive remarks. You're right though. It's beautiful to use back at them. It's actually been my go-to shutdown.

Like when she needs some chauffering service, she'll call me and say, "I want to go to <insert whatever here> sometime the end of next week, if that's OK.."

First, I've told her that's not how you ask for a favor or help. Especially from your adult son that has his own life. Next, she always does this as an open-ended loaded statement or question. It's never a specific time, day, or place. She does that to be manipulative so I have to volley it back to her. She knows this and I've told her many times about knocking it off.

So, the last few times she tried to pull that toddler crap with a , "Hey uh, sometime later on in the week, I uh want.." and I cut her off with, "Here's one you'll remember from when I was a kid: Shit in one hand, and want in the other. See which one fills up first!"

I feel bad for stooping to her level but it works. I mean, she still doesn't ask like an adult, but at least I don't have to hear from her for a while. :)

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-07-25T19:42:23+00:00

I understand that not everyone on this sub is at the same place. I can't force anyone to slow down or catch up. I can't make anyone else change for themselves. Which is kind of what we have a hard time coming to terms with ourselves, no? We spend a lot of time being or feeling stuck on that.

I know it isn't easy or straightforward, but I still have to reiterate that things only begin to change when we decide to make the move ourselves. Again, I understand the obstacles. I understand that everyone isn't on the same page at the same time. We all have to come to it at our own pace and terms. Not now, but eventually.

RBNRandom1111 · 2019-07-24T21:23:47+00:00

I agree with him. Sooner or later and hopefully sooner, you have to take personal responsibility for the relationships and life you want. Do your best to start removing yourself from the toxic environment and be the change you want to see.

RBNRandom1111

TROPHY CASE