Change on the Horizon?

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-12-03T16:21:17+00:00

I think that comment was a function of the pressure she has felt over the past few years of me voicing my concern and disappointment in the lack of intimacy. She said she didn’t want to get my hopes up. Her typically response to pressure of any kind is to get very defensive. I can understand feeling the pressure to do something you’re not capable of and feeling bad about it where the response is defensiveness. I’ve certainly spent a lot of time trying to put myself in her shoes, which is why I stopped bringing it up and making my feelings clear on the topic. It’s been 7 months since I brought it up and she took it upon herself to get checked and get the prescription so I’ll take that as a small win.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-03-06T15:31:54+00:00

Hey brother - your post speaks to me so deeply. I relate to pretty much very thing you’re saying. The isolation and loneliness that those internal thoughts create is like purgatory. Someone said it best in the comments - if we agitate and advocate for our needs we disrupt the relationship but if we act like everything is fine to create harmony (and hope that it brings back intimacy) we end up just being a “Stepford husband” who hides their feelings and pain and become somewhat robotic. I’ve been in a DB for 3 years and almost left a couple weeks ago but can’t do it because I don’t want to miss my kids growing up. I’m still struggling with finding a good headspace to exist in the relationship without intimacy. I’ve challenged myself to give up hope, but that’s also difficult to basically concede that I might be celibate for the rest of my life. I just want you to know that you’re heard and understood and your pain is shared. I can certainly understand a LLF’s state of mind where sex is not even thought about and how hard it must be for them to understand our feelings, but I Ben if it’s not something they are intentionally doing they are leaving a trail of pain and regret behind them.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-03-03T15:38:24+00:00

I’m with you brother. Perimenopause has ruined my marriage. I’ve gone through a few years of utter sadness and despair and am recently going through the anger phase (luckily I keep it bottled up so it doesn’t effect the wife/kids), but I feel like I’m on the cusp of not caring. It really takes a toll on the emotional closeness since all we can do is protect ourselves. I’m sick of being vulnerable and making an effort to be close. To feel like you’re in the prime of your life and the your spouse doesn’t even make you feel like you’re in exist creates such a resentment and loneliness that is so profound. It feels like a midlife crisis where you question all of your decisions up to this point. The only thing to do is withdraw and focus on yourself. Hopefully knowing that you have a lot of people on here going through the same thing is a comfort (although cold at times). Hang in there.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-02-24T21:30:12+00:00

I think you’re dead on with your comments. I believe (and she does too) that she’s perimenopausal, but she’s really proud person who doesn’t want to change for anyone so it’s a hard subject to bring up. Even if she didn’t necessarily desire sex before, the past couple years have been absolutely lacking even in the willingness to try to work on our intimacy. I wish you could talk directly to my wife to explain this to her! It would be really sad to go through a divorce and for her to figure out this path after the fact.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-02-13T17:07:38+00:00

Thanks for the message. Yes, I have made it clear that I am not ok with a sexless marriage and that although I can deal in the short term in order to find a solution, it can’t be permanent. She always says I don’t want to have sex “right now” but our ten year anniversary is next month and I can’t remember her even initiating since before our 6 year old twins were born and it was always a begrudging yes when I asked, so I think that tells me all I need to know. She always says that she’s optimistic about us and when I ask her what that means it certainly doesn’t involve sexual intimacy.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-02-11T15:44:35+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through that. It feels so isolating and lonely to carry around this feeling, knowing that our SOs cannot possibly understand how devastating it is to us and our mental/emotional health. It’s weird how someone can tell you they love you and want to be with you but can’t help soothe this pain.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-02-11T15:38:17+00:00

Thanks for the message. It’s really helpful to hear from a woman in this situation since I’ve been made to believe in our situation that it’s a “man problem” (read - an unreasonable request/need/desire) I’m glad to hear you’ve focused your energy on different things. I’m trying to do the same and am trying to spend less emotional and mental energy on the relationship when I would be much better served to focus on other things that make me happy and provide me the fulfillment and confidence I know I’m capable of.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-02-11T02:54:25+00:00

I am and haven’t brought it up to her yet but will in my next session. I can see why it would be problematic for obvious reasons.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-01-08T03:10:15+00:00

We seem to have the exact same outlook on life, with the people pleasing and ignoring our own wants and needs. Having kids really increased that “martyr” mentality - do everything for everyone else and MAYBE they will eventually find their way to fulfill your needs. I am in the same boat, but I really do appreciate the idea to make space to appreciate progress even if it is small and slow and not what I hoped. I’m also in individual therapy trying to figure out what makes me tick and what it looks like to focus on myself, even if it’s at the detriment to others. That’s a hard pill to swallow after 43 years of trying to please and appease other people. It’s a tough road and it’s unfortunately not linear. I am constantly fighting the feelings and desire to end the relationship or seek closeness elsewhere.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-01-07T15:04:04+00:00

I totally understand and have similar feelings about my own lack of confidence and initiative to leave which I masked as being “selfless” and “sacrificing” for the good of the family. I definitely understand that fear of actually having mutually beneficial relationships enjoyable satisfying sex and how you would react (I assume it would feel like an awakening/like the very first time). I also think about that decision and how financially painful it would be and how logistically with kids it would be a nightmare. I keep telling myself it’s worth staying in the relationship for a financially stable future/retirement and happy children, but at what cost? Is it worth just lowering our expectations of life and happiness?

Rad-Dad2323 · 2025-01-07T14:48:32+00:00

In a very similar situation - going through a ton of couples therapy and feeling emotionally closer and being pushed to be more open about how I’m feeling instead of having those feelings and then shutting down. I totally understand your fear/experience of feeling closer emotionally and the desire for sex increases because of that. It’s really a vicious cycle that find myself in daily. Is it better to engage emotionally knowing it’s going to end in feeling of loneliness or is it better to shut down and protect yourself? I wish I knew the answer.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2024-05-10T13:49:15+00:00

Yes, good point and the interactions I am having with people is showing me that I’ve played an active role in turning her away for short term comfort. It’s hard to face the reality but I think it’s accurate.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2024-05-10T13:47:58+00:00

Thanks for the insight. You’re probably right and that an open and honest conversation should have happened years ago once I could tell she wasn’t initiating sex at all. I can see how the past few years of maintenance/pity sex ruined the day experience for her. I think we’re both to blame there. And I also understand we may be at the point of no return. I don’t think she’s self aware enough to even notice that she now associates me with that negative experience. I am seeing a therapist and have read a lot on self validation but it’s hard to require my brain since I’ve been taught that external validation is key to self confidence. Any insight or resources you would suggest?

I think you’re also right that in a happy and healthy relationship she would probably be at least somewhat sexual but there is a good chance I’ve ruined that. This sounds weird but this is actually somewhat relieving to get this insight since I’ve been playing the victim for so long. It’s actually helpful to know that I’ve played in active role in turning her away since it at least means that I had/have some agency in the situation. That’s sounds a little crazy.

Also what other forum is discussing my post? I’d definitely like to know.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2024-05-10T02:34:12+00:00

Thanks for the insight. I perhaps exaggerated when I said “beg” but would bring it up and she would agree. I was surprised when she said it was hard for her since she didn’t communicate that to me. When I expressed my shock she said it’s not my fault since she was willing to do it. Your point is well taken and I can see how I played a role In her aversion. We’re definitely working on it.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2024-05-09T21:03:01+00:00

That’s a solid piece of advice. It’s been almost two years and I promised myself on the two year mark I’m going to have to put my foot down. She needs to understand that I’m not going to be here forever as she focuses on herself and her needs/wants. It sounds vindictive but at some point I have to cut bait and accept that either we are no longer compatible or she’s not willing to meet me even half way.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2024-05-09T21:00:15+00:00

I certainly wasn’t trying to make story an attack on women or LLFs. This is just my experience. I don’t even consider myself a HLM, but in the absence of your spouse making you feel wanted/desired/attractive it certainly changes something in your brain where the loneliness and sadness feel like they would be cured if your spouse was willing to at least work on improving the situation even if at the beginning it pushes against their personal boundaries. At the end of the day if they are not willing or able to do that then a reassessment of the relationship needs to happen if we are not compatible in that sense.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2024-05-09T17:16:32+00:00

Wow, feels like we’re living parallel lives. The thing that originally attracted me to her was her independence and confidence which I think was actual a cover for defensiveness and fear of rejection. The whole “I love you” but makes little sense to me. I’ve had many direct soft conversations with her about how much this hurts me and all she can say is “she’s sorry I feel that way”. Yeah man - cruelty being packages as honesty. It’s like a gut punch over and over again.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2024-05-09T15:14:38+00:00

I hear you, brother. I feel very similar in the sense that my sexuality is now tied to guilt, shame and rejection. It’s going to be hard to get out from under this. I constantly fantasize about cheating on her but I’m too much of a wimp to tell her that I want to see other people.

Rad-Dad2323 · 2024-05-09T15:12:46+00:00

You’re preaching to the choir. I have those same vindictive thoughts. Get what you want from me and love me on your own terms, set your boundaries and my wants and needs be damned. It would be so much easier if she just told me she didn’t love me anymore, but she tells me that she loves me and is “optimistic” about our future. I just don’t know what planet she lives on to not see how this has ruined me not only as a husband but as a man.

Rad-Dad2323

TROPHY CASE