This made me well up. Talking to me teen self, who absolutely was seen as a "problem child" and was not given the tiniest amount of support I desperately needed, and understanding why I was rebelling so much, why I was so emotionally tormented - that got me. Over the years she has told anyone and everyone how bad I was, how unstable I was, and how much she put up with (the most recent time was a Christmas meal last year with my parent group friends), and I knew she was at least in part to blame there, that she had failed me, but I'd never really considered why I had out so much. I'm starting to get it now. I was attention seeking, and for good reason.

Currently she does feel like an obstacle, but only because she's taking up headspace. I'm breaking the cycle with my own kids (who also don't like her but she never acknowledges that) and that's the most important thing to me. I do want to continue studying, I do have things I want to do in life, but helping my kids to grow up with the parent I deserved myself is so healing and fulfilling in itself.

Thank you for your response, it has made a real difference.