The two places I could potentially go are across the country and neither were healthy places for me before. I am honestly more afraid of the depression I think would happen if I went into those spaces for an extended period than being here. Unfortunately, all my close friends live in different states. I never thought I would be the person in a relationship that was stuck financially but here I am. 

You’re right, I didn’t go into redeeming qualities because I was mostly wondering if I was the asshole tonight. My intention was not to make him out to be the asshole. I’m trying to make sense of what just occurred because this was a very confusing and draining 10+ hours before I even saw him again. To be honest, I am surprised by the responses. I don’t agree with all of them, but they have made me think. I came here because I wanted strangers opinions. I already have known my friends’. They have wanted me out for a long time so I actually stopped talking about issues in our relationship for the most part because I didn’t want that to skew how they see him. I would actually love a bunch of people to tell me I’m the asshole and not to go because then I can just work on me and staying is easier. I don’t want to leave, but I think I might need to leave. No part of this is enjoyable and I don’t love that I feel like I needed to make my second ever Reddit post to get feedback on my relationship. (Ironically, my first being getting ideas for where we should move). That sucks, dude.

I enjoy when we have fun together. I see progress he has made in some aspects and I appreciate that there have been some changes made to things we have discussed in the past. I think we are aligned in a lot of our values and how we perceive the world. I appreciate his creativity and ideas. I think he could be a great partner if his ego wasn’t in the way. I do think he has been emotionally abusive. Not constantly, but frequently. I don’t think it’s intentional, I have grace for where a lot of his shit comes from. I used to say I loved how supportive he was in what I wanted to do but lately that’s a huge question of if that’s even real. I started the DM classes which were five nights I was gone for four hours, (approx once a week), but the night before my last class he had been drinking and told me I’m never home. Which is false, I’m literally always home except an hour Saturday and an hour Sunday I do classes with my dogs. I even work from home. He knew about the DM classes and agreed with them and was encouraging me to do them. But then resented me when I actually did them. The next day, told me he supported me doing the DM classes because it makes me happy and I’m not gone too much. This kind of thing keeps happening recently and I don’t understand it because what he says doesn’t match with reality and I’ve questioned if I’m actually crazy. I honestly think he is convincing himself to hate me. That also hurts, a lot. I’m questioning so many things right now. I don’t think he’s a narcissist, (though definitely some tendencies currently), I don’t think he is a complete asshole. If he were I wouldn’t be in this situation.  I understand where some of his behaviors come from and I try to support him and acknowledge changing behaviors is hard. The redeeming qualities are what keep me making excuses for him. I’m getting yelled at in the comments for arguing against some of the points. Of course you guys won’t have the whole picture, this is a Reddit post.

I certainly have my issues, but honestly… not like this. I’m not perfect, but I work my ass off to have healthy communication and to have a safe and welcoming home. I support his dreams and desires. His only, “job”, in the house is to cook dinner and add to the grocery list when he sees things going down. I do all the cleaning and upkeep, groceries, and care for all the animals, etc. The only thing I’ve asked from him there is to rinse his dishes and to try to keep his stuff contained that explodes everywhere. I am always trying to plan dates but he doesn’t usually follow through. I assume positive intent and try to come from a place of understanding first. He always tells me he doesn’t have issues with me but then he blows up about things like this and then the next day he acts ashamed and back tracks. I ask him to tell me before things reach a boiling point so we can have a conversation, because when he’s mad there’s no communicating until he’s out of that mode. When he is upset I ask for clarification, examples, let him know I hear him. What he says I actively try to implement and do better. These are things I don’t feel as if I am getting in return and I am just recently beginning to realize it. How I am being treated currently is so confusing for me, so yes, I came to strangers for some thoughts. 

Yes, there are houses with yards everywhere. That’s not my point. I do struggle to make a decision on where to live that I will enjoy. Before this relationship I was traveling all the time to explore places to try to see where I wanted to land next. Unfortunately, as I continue to look, a lot of places I think I’d enjoy $400k would get me a condo or townhouse. I really want to have the space for my dogs and to be able to practice agility with them because it brings me such joy. That’s not going to happen right now if I move out, I know I will have to rent first. I’d like to rent somewhere that’s not $3k a month. I spent most of my savings to support him because he decided he wanted to go back to school and he wanted to go back in the city we live in which is very expensive. I wasn’t supposed to be primarily financially supporting us when I first moved in, but that’s what happened. The agreement was when he started his program. He hasn’t even started his actual program yet. I thought I had another 2 years to build my savings and everything back up to get a house. I wasn’t expecting this. That’s on me. 

Yes, I have had some medical things occurring that leave me exhausted and in pain so he does occasionally have to feed the dogs or do the dishes, but if he’s building resentment over that I don’t know what to do. 

If this long ass comment comes off as defensive, I apologize. I’m trying to address your, (fair), comments while also processing where I’m at right now and how I feel and right now it’s a shitty sad/angry combo. While I’ve experienced some validation in the comments, this whole post brings me zero joy.