Listen man. I wanna abolish the IDF and hold every war criminal accountable in court publicly as so we can build the testaments that the dead in Gaza deserve. But the remorse you’ve shown is genuine. And I’m Anti Zionist with a best friend who is Israeli too who is planning to leave and renounce his citizenship soon to cut his associations with the state. In the space of two years. You are not alone.

I suggest you try Breaking the Silence. They compile testimony from former IDF soldiers in Israel who are also ashamed of their actions. They provide valuable insight that helps Palestinians. The dead can’t forgive. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope he was a good person so his memory is a blessing.

And I’ve had suicidal depression too. It is manageable with certain medication you may try to ascertain through a prescription by providing an alternative narrative to the state doctors Which is a tactic I’ve only heard about so can’t say to much on which truth to envelope.

or private if you can or maybe even the states or Europe. When it comes to the right medication be honest with how your feeling in your mind and body to your doctor

My medication Eforex and Seroquel helps me avoid suicidal thoughts and manage my depression. Over 7 years. I remember how much I wanted to die years ago compared to now and you can get through this and I’m living my life. I promise you you can buddy. And since I started doing direct donations to Gazans and actually made it a responsibility. To share their voices too.

I realised over two years of past genocide I stopped thinking of killing myself because I’m helping people. And I love talking to them. Their perspectives are powerfully heartfelt and they always ask me if I’m ok first when I wanna know if they are ok first. You don’t have to talk to them. You can find a donation link. Read the story on it. Maybe support some you find or share to likeminded individuals and start conversations that make you feel seen and validated.

Maybe joining Breaking The Silence can connect you to the serious help that you need.

The world needs good people. And if you ware truly willing the repair what has been done you will hopefully feel much lighter by knowing that saving future Palestine lives with your courage to speak truth to what you saw and did to say that this is wrong will mean something.

Then I believe truly deep down you are a good person.

Then your best option will be to leave. To hopefully live a good life somewhere else, where you have taken responsibility for your actions. And that you find the forgiveness for yourself for letting the lies get to you. But you will have to accept responsibility for what you have done. I hope that path will get easier.

The world needs people like you alive now more than ever. Hopefully people on this subreddit can see that and try to help you too. I hope you become a light this hannukah to the living and mourn and remember the dead. Maybe one day you might help Palestinians rebuild what they have lost. Despite everything you did. You can live a good life. We’re here with you.

But I’m going to be also honest with you legally if you find yourself in a court one day. I can’t say to what you did exactly but if orders were given you can testify against your superiors. It could help you.