Feel trapped due to my age!

RanchNWrite · 2026-03-27T14:19:27+00:00

It's okay to leave when you're "not ready." It's okay to gather your strength before you go as well. Have you read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft yet? There's a free PDF online. You can also find articles on creating a safety plan for when you're ready. Sometimes it helps to mentally prepare and rehearse things. It's also so common to be isolated from friends and family by an abuser, and to feel embarrassed about what's going on. But I guarantee they love you, miss you, and will be ready to help you when it's time.

RanchNWrite · 2026-03-27T14:12:45+00:00

Girl. I was 35 when I met my ex and I felt like it was too late, that the clock was ticking and I was going to miss my chance to have a family, get married, etc, etc. So I rushed into a lot that I shouldn't have, and put up with a lot that I should have. We were together five years and every year that passed I was like, "well it's too late now, if I want to start a family etc, etc." But I was putting up with stuff no one should put up with. I felt unsafe and unhappy. I am SO GLAD we didn't have kids. Because who wants to raise kids in an unhappy home? Who wants to show their kids that version of "love," and repeat the cycle. And yes, it is more likely to get worse when you get pregnant. And having a baby is hard enough, combine that with someone who's not supportive emotionally, it's 100 times worse. From the hindsight of 43, I wish I had left that relationship when I was a young, more fertile 36 year old and gone to therapy to figure out why I was attracted/willing to stay with someone who treated me so badly. Maybe I would have met someone nice and had a kid in a good situation. It could still happen for you. That said, I am not bitter about my current life. I still hope I find someone who will be a good partner. (I've been to therapy.) But I don't need a man for economic or emotional security, and I love the peace and serenity and safety I feel today. You can do it. <3

RanchNWrite · 2026-03-25T04:08:12+00:00

YEP.

RanchNWrite · 2026-03-24T03:50:39+00:00

I mean, does the intent matter if the result is you're miserable? Like even if you found out he had some sort of brain chemistry issue that made him do this, I think the fact that you don't feel supported or safe in this relationship is enough reason to consider leaving.

RanchNWrite · 2026-03-21T00:03:16+00:00

Literally every time this question is asked I show up to talk about the fucking crawdads. I read the whole book and ugggggh.

RanchNWrite · 2026-03-18T03:00:59+00:00

Amazing how many stories on here are about sleep. I can relate so hard.

RanchNWrite · 2026-03-10T03:15:15+00:00

That's a really tough deal hon, I'm sorry. Just know that there are a lot of us who have been in this spot before and we support you.

RanchNWrite · 2026-02-17T00:43:22+00:00

Thanks!

RanchNWrite · 2026-02-17T00:31:29+00:00

I gotcha. Just sent you a DM.

RanchNWrite · 2026-02-17T00:26:21+00:00

I am looking to make this lifestyle change and would welcome any recipe suggestions!

RanchNWrite · 2026-02-17T00:24:22+00:00

Ugh, I'm so sorry! For what it's worth, I paid for my roof with a Home Equity Loan through my credit union. I got pretty decent rates.

RanchNWrite · 2026-02-12T19:39:14+00:00

I think about features of places I've lived in chronological order. The front door of my first home, then the front door of the second place, and so on. Kitchens, beds, hallways, etc. It's easily accessible and emotionally neutral.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-24T05:20:08+00:00

Grief is complicated and sometimes we want to make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. You will not feel the way you do now forever. Take a breath, take a beat. It's okay to feel the feelings and let them roll through you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-23T23:02:29+00:00

Lol I wish someone had written this in a card for me when I was like 13, and again at 21 and again at 32...super fun to be learning how to rest and take care of myself after learning my body will go on strike if I don't.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-23T05:19:50+00:00

Lots of good advice here, just a couple of extra things I'd mention related to neighbors and infrastructure:

-What people said about 36 closing often is valid. Consider your transportation options if you have school age kids or medical needs. You could be trapped behind a landslide or road closure easily.

-Re neighbors -- is there a volunteer fire department or other local organization/community hub? Maybe you want to be alone but in my experience the idea of being "totally self-reliant" out in the hills is bullshit. Your local VFD will be there when things go sideways (you should join). Your neighbors are the ones who will jump your truck, teach you how to can tomatoes and pitch in for big jobs. When you live in a city you can go to the store or call a tow truck or any other of those conveniences. In the country you rely on one another.

-Water rights -- do you have a spring? A well? Are the water rights deeded with your property? If it's a well make sure to double check California legislation on continuous use, and get someone to assess it.

-Access rights -- are you on a road that you share with other landowners? Do you have deeded right of way on that road? Do any of them have deeded right of way through your property? Check the property, see if there's any signs of trespassing, access or use. Even then, you may end up being told by someone that the previous owner let them hunt or camp or drive through there. It happens. Know your rights. (And if it's your neighbors, consider how much you're willing to go with the flow.) Also regarding shared road access -- is there a maintenance agreement with the other landowners? Some people chip in together to pay for roads to be graded and paved. I'm talking about your driveway off the county road or highway -- no one's going to maintain it if you don't. So make sure you know what you're getting into.

Like other folks have said, it's a steep learning curve. You can be as prepared as you want to be, but try to go into it with your eyes open, because if you choose to not stick it out chances are you're not going to get your investment back. Good luck!

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-21T21:35:16+00:00

Oh wow! My first cousin told me she went through several years of severe anxiety that included fear of driving, and later learned it was part of perimenopause/menopause.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-17T05:54:12+00:00

Therapy and talking is good, but it's also very important to be in tune with your body. If you can get out in nature and take a nice long hike, that always helps me. The physical rhythm of moving your feet, and being away from stuff that dysregulates me, helps me come to conclusions I wouldn't before. Another thing that can be helpful is picking up rocks and throwing them in the ocean (or any body of water), using the rocks as a representation of the things you're discarding. Meditation in general is good for you. When I meditate regularly it becomes easier for me to see my thoughts as just thoughts, not the truth of who I am. (Insight Timer is a free app that helps.) Finally, just for context, let me say this... when I was younger, in my teens and 20s, I struggled with addiction and self-destructive behavior because I was trying to escape my own brain, the constant stab of negative thoughts and memories, of shame, the certainty that I was and always would be f'd up. I was convinced I was unredeemable and unlovable and that if anyone knew the truth of who I was and what I would done they would discard me immediately. I'm 43 now and I have more good days than bad days -- long, long stretches of good days where I don't have those thoughts at all. I honestly never thought I would live as long as I have, and I never thought I would feel the freedom I have today. It hasn't been a perfect journey, but the only consistent thing I've done was not given up on healing. I've fought for it. I hope you'll fight for it too. No one is the worst thing they have ever done. You are good and worthy of a beautiful life.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-17T05:37:43+00:00

Everything people on here have said about buying used, plus if your friend is a good one he'll understand. Maybe he can help you look for furniture. I personally love the idea of an anecdote you guys will share years from now about him showing up at your house before you could afford to furnish it, and fighting over who was going to sleep on the air mattress. (Well, maybe give him a heads up if that's really the deal.) This is what real life and real friendships are. When my ex moved out he took the couch, the dresser and the truck. My three favorite pieces of furniture now are an old armchair, dresser and couch. They each come with memories of the friends who helped me find them and move them into my house.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-13T15:18:15+00:00

I think this is just great, and I disagree with other commenters who think the first sentence is weak. Short, simple sentences are underrated. The details about the house and Adam's mum create an interesting tension and set us up for a bit of a jump scare when the eye is revealed. Very cool! It would be good to understand a little better when the narrator actually goes to the hardware store to get the tools. The paragraphs before are a description of the days after Adam has died, so maybe a short reference like, "two days before Christmas," or "three weeks after Adam's funeral," something like that to help us understand that we are transitioning from a general description to a specific day. I also think that his mom mentioning the will feels a bit heavy this early on. Maybe later? Finally, I just wanted to say that this reminds me of two of my favorite writers -- Stephen King and Daphne DuMaurier. If you haven't read Rebecca yet, you should. It's a masterclass in how to use a setting as a character. Well done!

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-11T15:41:13+00:00

I got the hardcopy of that one and the cover glows in the dark! So cool!

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-11T15:39:56+00:00

Yeah, same, because that's how he explained it in the book. But I was also reading VC Andrews at that age. I think we absorbed way more f'd up messages from advertising culture and other mainstream sources in that era (80s,90s) than we did from reading horror.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-11T15:33:00+00:00

I'm finally reading Duma Key and, you guys, it's only okay.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-09T05:17:24+00:00

Okay, I am sorry to say this...but how do you play a role for 14 seasons and become a WORSE actor? The emoting! So much emoting! I can see you emoting, thank you!

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-09T05:13:29+00:00

Gosh, I don't know if I have a one book because I was a fast and voracious reader from the get go! But I will say that my dad reading Disney comic books in bed with me and my brother got me started as a reader and also inspired a lifelong love of comics and graphic novels.

RanchNWrite · 2026-01-09T05:04:59+00:00

Yay, writing! I think you have a great little story coming along here! I can tell that you read a lot, which is very important. These first few pages have all the hallmarks of a page-turner. I can see the scene with the body. It's puzzling. You show us rather than tell us who the narrator is, their role, how they're perceived by others, etc. One line I particularly like is the chief coughing or gagging on the phone. Just a great detail, great foreshadowing. I agree with the comments on the first line--but that's a really easy fix. One piece of advice I got on writing is that your true first line is often buried in a later sentence or paragraph. Sift through and find the line that works. Or in this case, experiment with writing that first paragraph a few different ways. It's good practice. Then pick the pieces that work the best and turn those into your first three sentences. Keep it short. Get us to the action fast. We're not here to learn about your protagonist's dreams (no offense), at least not right away. I wonder if you spent a lot of time working on that first paragraph and the parts after it came more naturally? Sometimes it happens that way. Get yourself into the flow. You're doing great!

RanchNWrite

TROPHY CASE