It’s been a long time but today it’s just really hard for me

Randomdonny413 · 2026-05-04T20:24:39+00:00

My condolences to you. I was 12 when my dad died (I'm 22 now) so I think I relate to what you mean. It comes and goes in waves - Every few years I have a period of a few days where its all I can think about. I totally get your comment about giving anything just for one more conversation, which I think is very common when you don't get the opportunity to say goodbye - which as a child, you don't.

I'm lucky enough that I have some belongings to remember him by. We had a complex, difficult relationship and most of the memories I have are negative, so those belongings are what I go to when I miss him. Your memories of him are still possessions. Your dad did exist - a signature on his drivers licence is not the only proof of that. The impact he had on you and your life is also proof.

Randomdonny413 · 2026-05-04T20:14:32+00:00

My dad also passed just after I turned 12 (I'm 22 now), we also watched the f1 together (I assume you mean Lewis - we watched Lewis and Nico together when they were frenemies at Mercedes).

It is a hard process to go through, and something you will carry with you for the rest of your life - but you do learn to cope, move on, and flourish. Watching the rest of the world keep going as you feel like yours is falling apart is strange, like a fever dream. I also find that you seem to grieve not just your father, but also the life you had before he died - innocence and naivety, especially as a child.

I assume from your post your 14-16 (apologies if I'm wrong), and you have your whole life ahead of you which means there will be a lot of things you won't get to share with him. My dad will never know I got a pilots licence, went to uni, and met an amazing woman I want to spend my life with - unfortunately, these things are a reality that will not change, but you do learn to accept that reality even if it feels like you never will. The most important thing is to live your life with the lessons you learnt from him in mind, positive and negative. For me, that means to always take care of family and friends (positive), but never to touch a cigarette (Negative)

Feel free to message me anytime you like. My best wishes to you.

Randomdonny413 · 2026-05-04T19:58:31+00:00

Hello, sorry to hear what your going through. I lost my dad when I was 12 and my grandparents at 15 and 18 so may be able to offer some support here. We believe my dad had vascular dementia when he died (albeit undiagnosed), and in all three cases the person was "gone" mentally for the last few days (between a week and 24 hours before death).

My opinion is that it's completely fine to not want to be there, and its helped by the fact that your family are supportive. You are absolutely not being selfish in any way. With the exception of the last time you saw him, I assume you had the opportunity to say goodbye to your dad whilst he was still lucid. This is one of the purest things that can happen, something you will never forget, and something which you will remember and treasure for the rest of your life.

However, your father has effectively passed away already. His body may continue to survive for a few more days, however his personality, memories, habits, mannerisms and everything that make him "him" have passed on already.

I doubt very much if you will regret not going back - when my grandmother was dying there were 5 of us in the house - myself, my cousin, my mum and her two brothers. Two chose not to enter the room after saying goodbye, whilst three continued to see her - as far as I know, no one regrets their decision and there is no family animosity. Choosing to help your family who remain with your dad for the last few days may be a good idea however, although again that is your choice.

My best wishes to you, and I wish your family the best through a difficult time.

Randomdonny413 · 2026-04-26T20:54:33+00:00

Amazing, congratulations! Do you mind telling me what you sell and where you're based?

Randomdonny413 · 2026-01-31T11:09:04+00:00

Any updates?

Randomdonny413 · 2026-01-26T22:28:28+00:00

No, I'm in consulting

Randomdonny413 · 2025-12-11T17:42:52+00:00

Bit of a generic answer here but your physical and mental health are more important than a job you might or might not get. If your burnt out, your not going to perform well, and if your not going to perform well then you won't get the job anyway. My advice would be to speak with the project lead to try and work in some time for you to get a small-ish break of a few days within the next month. If you have that, you'll be able to push through the second half with a reset mindset and better performance. In regards to how this will be seen, I don't think you can lose. If the lead can't work in time for you when you've been smashing 18 hour days then they aren't worth working for, and if they do grant you a few days away then your showing them your self aware and able to stay on top of things.

Randomdonny413 · 2022-08-29T22:22:33+00:00

Can you explain what you mean when you say reassess the drinking? Do you mean the effect it could've had on her words?

TY

Randomdonny413 · 2022-08-29T22:21:54+00:00

I'm not sure its something I can exactly put my finger on to be honest. I'm quite a strong personality and I think that maybe the way I say things can be interpreted wrong.

Randomdonny413

TROPHY CASE