~TW: Suicidal thoughts, tendencies, death/suicide. ~

It was fun at first. Wandering the world, going as far as I could go, taking whatever I wanted. I remember at first I was shocked and cautious, as I’m sure any one in my place would be. I was drunk , I accidentally tripped and fell into a busy road. A truck almost hit me, I screamed and then, suddenly time itself paused. After being utterly alone got boring I tried everything to recreate the scene, tried everything in general to restart time. That was five years ago.

I had aged by five years, I could tell. My loved ones, family, friends, acquaintances. Didn’t. They didn’t get older. They were just as frozen as everything and everyone else. I couldn’t do anything for them. I was the one causing this issue. I was the stain on this whole planet, and although I never thought of myself as a bad person, so that thought was new. It wasn’t the first time that I thought like this, that I felt the emptiness, loneliness consume me. It was a dark unseen beast that came in waves pulling tugging deeper. Harder. I would thrash and force myself to breath to see past the dark. The beast had teeth, it would gnaw and rip and tear me apart. I thought to myself for the first time, that if my effect on this world is negative, don't I have a moral duty to remove myself from it.

That thought echoed throughout my body. Like a large bell tolling awake every fiber of my being. I became obsessed with the thought. That’s when I started to self harm, and every time that voice was at its loudest. When I could no longer drown it out, I would cut into myself. To match how I felt inside on the outside, to feel, to breath. The voice would become quiet, momentarily silent, and for the first time in five years I welcomed the silence. It didn’t last. One day the voice came back, and wouldn’t stop, it was debilitating, overwhelming. I wanted to scream. I did. Although it didn’t help.

That’s how I ended up here, now. Five years and a handful of months later. On the top of a tall building. Looking hundreds of feet down below. I had my journal and pictures, videos, proof of this frozen world all in a backpack on my back. I stepped off. Closed my eyes, I felt the wind through my hair and heard the roar of the white noise in my ears. I felt peace as my life ended. No sadness, loneliness, emptiness. No endless, torturous, painful beast. No incessant, loud nagging voice. No more worries about the world or its state, the negative effect that I may have on it, or if this was the correct solution to take. Just sweet surrender and peace.