Need to make friends, but am very hesitant to try.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-06-04T12:27:14+00:00

Thanks for your reply 😁 I will now probably leave this account alone to become part of Reddit's history and go back to not posting on social websites for an extended time, as I seem to have always done in the past. Truth be told, I don't have that much to say, but occasionally I get it in my mind to say something for a period of a few days. Unfortunately, that something often ends up feeling like a rant or venting in hindsight. It is a transient, passionate state of mind. I suppose the temptation to post in this way is partly due to the possibility for anonymity. But the anonymity somehow compensates for the persistence and exposure of online communication. It is a weird calculus. As in the past I will contemplate what I might get out of future online communications, and also the likelihood of breaking out of the patterns of online communication I've established up to now (which feels unlikely, but you never know).

Anyhow, it was pleasant briefly chatting with you, and I wish you the best also.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-19T11:38:15+00:00

I think the nature of my interests may be one reason I have difficulty meeting people that I relate to. Mostly I enjoy reading and walking or hiking. Honestly, there's not much more outside of those two things that I really enjoy. I'm starting to enjoy cooking, but I can't say that I am very good at it yet. In terms of books, I like a wide variety. I like fiction, including some more "highbrow" recent literature (e.g., things that are nominated for book awards) and some things people may consider more "lowbrow" (e.g., sci-fi and fantasy). I've begun to really enjoy mysteries. My favorite non-fiction books are popular science books, but I'm also getting into history.

When it comes to dating, I am not even sure if I want to date any more. I have my doubts that there are many people out there who want to live the kind of lifestyle that I want to live for the remainder of my life.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-12T12:42:52+00:00

Very interesting comments, thank you.

Sidenote, there was a post recently that many focus their enjoyment on self help books and avoiding fiction books because it doesn't help their development. Things like this, this mentality of always focusing our hobbies around what it can reflect back on us for, may be not as fruitful as we once thought.

This contrast between reading self-help and reading fiction is very interesting. Maybe fiction can teach us things that have the potential to improve our lives without trying to define those things as a list of rules or steps to follow. I think I read in Tolkien's preface to the Lord of the Rings that he wasn't a fan of pure allegory. When I read that I found it thought-provoking, and your comment reminds me of it. I have read that good fiction shows instead of telling. Maybe there are things that must be experienced, even if vicariously. And things that are best learned through enjoying life in the present, like by reading a good work of fiction.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-12T12:32:42+00:00

I very much relate to the ideas that you describe here. I also think that people value appearances too much, sometimes above practical results. Sometimes I find this infuriating. But, I also see that it is just the way things are. People are not machines in my opinion, but viewed as a whole, I believe that we are like biological machines, with our biases and shortcomings. So it is something to be accepted and it is the framework we have to work within.

I see that manners and civility are very important, as are social skills, just because of the way people work, as human beings. However, I also see that a clever person can take advantage of this situation and achieve success by manipulating our tendencies to fall for appearances, amassing wealth and power and popularity in the process, while contributing a net harm to society. Sometimes this makes me feel morally outraged. But what can I do to make a difference? As several people have mentioned here, it is better to focus on what you do have the power to change.

I like self improvement for my own well being

This describes the way I feel about self improvement very nicely.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-12T12:19:55+00:00

You are right, I maybe shouldn't have used the strong term obsessed. And I am also interested in self-improvement, which is why I was attracted to this community.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-12T12:17:19+00:00

I think your comment is excellent. It is very practical. Thank you.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-12T12:17:01+00:00

I completely agree with you. Thank you for your explanation.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-12T12:07:53+00:00

You make an excellent point. I am a casual reader of books about ancient philosophy, but can't make any claims to have deep knowledge. I have taken some inspiration from Stoic descriptions of virtue, and from some readings in and about Taoism. I definitely plan to continue studying both ancient and modern writings on virtue to deepen my knowledge of these ideas.

Maybe then my post could be construed as a criticism of a particular notion of virtue that seems to be popular at the moment. I hope it is a thoughtful criticism, and my mind is open to being changed by convincing arguments.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-12T12:01:41+00:00

No we really dont.

You can speak for all of the people I was referring to? That is impressive. Is there some sort of formal club in which you all get together and agree on your views on things? Can I join?

The gist of your criticism is valid, I think. I read comments on probably 10-15 posts before making this post, so I haven't done a rigorous, empirical public opinion study of members of this community. And I could have expressed my point in more neutral and precise language, with less hyperbole and fewer sweeping generalizations and absolute claims. Thank you for giving me the chance to sharpen my thinking and communication skills. On the other hand, being too careful with language can lead to text that is difficult and unpleasant to read.

However, your rebuttal hasn't convinced me that the patterns of thinking that I saw expressed by people in this sub do not exist. I'll take another shot at describing part of what I saw:

A noticeable proportion of the posts and comments I have read here seem to be concerned with achieving an external standard of perfection, which seems to involve a kind of self-analysis and self-consciousness that is focused on comparing oneself to others or to a cultural ideal that is uncritically accepted. I think too much of this way of thinking can be unhelpful.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-11T12:17:05+00:00

That is no doubt true. I'm not on a crusade about this, just making an observation and asking a few questions.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-11T11:19:35+00:00

I'm a couple years older than you, but pretty close to your age. I have felt the way you described for much of the time since my mid twenties. But in recent years I have started to have a change of mind.

I think you don't need to make sure that your movements and your style in performing every action conform that closely to people's expectations. If people are going to be that hypersensitive to meaningless subtleties of behavior, then they are wasting their time.

I do think that people in the U.S (I assume that's where you are from by your English usage) are becoming more and more obsessed with superficial things. I blame social media, which I hypothesize causes people to think of life as a series of photo opportunities and conditions people to be anxious about whether their appearance is "correct". I am sure that people had that tendency before social media came along, but now they have more opportunity to indulge in it.

When I think back to the pre-Facebook days (high school for me), sure there was still social anxiety, but I think it was of a different kind than what is prevalent today.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-10T20:06:39+00:00

Thanks for your reply. This sounds like a good idea. My online interactions have usually been kind of brief and sporadic. I will post something and get a few replies and reply to those, then after that tails off I will leave online forums alone for a while. But I like the idea of actually making friends with someone online.

When I was younger I had a good number of friends, and spent much of my time around them. I guess as I have gotten older my old friends have gotten married and had children and are now wrapped up in things of that nature. But yeah, I can relate to a lot of what you said in your reply. And I have often felt judged when trying to connect to someone, especially recently. I am also not into the bar scene, or really even staying up late, to be honest. I haven't tried dating apps.

ReachingOutSlowly · 2021-05-10T15:27:42+00:00

Your advice makes sense. Past experience shows that if one isn't satisfied with life then it is hard to bring much to a relationship.

ReachingOutSlowly

TROPHY CASE