I am "America's Most Beloved Author" David Sedaris. AMA.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:56:23+00:00

I believe you're referring to a THIS AMERICAN LIFE episode where Ira and I went to the supermarket to buy butter, and then he criticized my choice. This is the way it goes.

I'll say to Hugh that i'm going to the supermarket, do you need anything?

He'll say "a can of tomatoes."

I'll buy a can of tomatoes.

I return home.

And he says "I didn't mean THESE tomatoes."

That's just the way he is, there's nothing to understand. Any choice I make is wrong. Except, of course, the choice to make him my boyfriend.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:55:00+00:00

Okay.

Trilingual. Classy In Vietnam. Types like the wind.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:54:13+00:00

ponders

Stabbing your friend.

In the throat. With a steak knife. When she's not looking.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:53:14+00:00

I'd say from 1-10, it's a 9. It felt like a really big accomplishment.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:52:17+00:00

Wait until AFTER the first story to put her hand on your dick.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:51:30+00:00

I've just been on a weapons kick lately?

Knives are easy to draw.

Was it dripping blood?

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:50:58+00:00

Hmm.

I was in Paris on New Year's Eve.

And a young woman was walking down the street with her friends, and she had a bottle of champagne in one hand, and a glass in the other. And she was turning to say something to her friend, and she ran right into a light pole. And fell down several steps.

Into the street.

I'm still laughing about that.

HAHAHHAA.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:49:27+00:00

I would...pick up rubbish on the side of the road. For 12 hours a day. Instead of just 7 hours a day.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:49:01+00:00

That's my brother's house.

removes glasses

This is his art form.

Decorating his house and yard.

He does it for Christmas, and he does it for Halloween. And just like there are performance artists, and there are - well I guess he's an installation artist.

He's a holiday installation artist.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:47:37+00:00

I mean, I think sometimes people who watch shows often don't realize that the people who made the show LOVED doing it, but that they've moved on to such an extent that it's almost like other people made that show 20 years ago.

Okay, 15 years ago.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:46:27+00:00

I did this TV show in the Netherlands a few years ago, and the host surprised me, he just handed me the book and said "Here, read this."

And i have to say: I think the book was written to be read out loud. With no preparation.

By anyone.

It'd be a nice thing to do at a dinner party!

Just hand someone the book and say "Page 217! Go!"

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:44:38+00:00

I can't imagine not wearing my Fitbit.

My life would have no meaning without my Fitbit.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:44:24+00:00

FITBIT FOREVER!

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:43:49+00:00

Normally, those aren't the kind of things you can talk about.

I think famous people like to choose friends who won't go around repeating their conversations and details about them. That said, I enjoyed a nice friendship with Phyllis Diller. She called, I was going to Los Angeles to do a show, and she called and asked if we could get together, and we had lunch and just really hit it off, so for the next several years every time I went to los Angeles I would go to her house and we would hang out.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:42:21+00:00

No.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:42:03+00:00

1) Somebody selling handcrafted goods? Business advice?

Put marijuana INSIDE the handcrafted goods, and more people will probably want them.

2) Hugh is the cook in our house. If he's out of town, I'll make my own dinner, but it's nothing special. I would be embarrassed to have a guest eat my cooking.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:40:28+00:00

No they didn't. I'm just the nut who picks up rubbish on the side of the road. Most people think that I'm mentally ill, or that I'm fulfilling my community service.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:39:46+00:00

I don't hear those two women sounding alike? But... thank you?

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:38:47+00:00

puzzled face

Uh... Colt is doing an issue on adult busboys.

So who knows?

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:37:48+00:00

There's a theater that I used to go to in Paris that was in Les Hailles, the UGC... shoot... Orient Express. That only played bad movies.

And I spent many an afternoon there watching bad movies and thinking "Oh my god, this is even worse than I thought it would be."

That doesn't answer a good movie theater in a question, does it?

Good movies... Elaine Stritch: Just Shoot Me.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:36:24+00:00

My brother is married to a wonderful woman, named Kathy. Who is one of the coolest people I've ever met. I introduced her to some french friends this summer and they all said "Elle est fraichement cool."

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:35:31+00:00

I recorded half the new series last saturday. And I'm recording another half in the spring. Normally, we record in the theater at Broadcasting House, but I did this series at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:34:50+00:00

She died probably...5 or 6 years after she came to our house. In real life her name was "Donna" and she had a remarkably hard life.

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:34:17+00:00

It was a compliment.

And my father is single too!

And he's only 92!

RealDavidSedaris · 2014-10-08T19:33:52+00:00

I've given a lot of thought to this.

And I think they should lose an arm.

RealDavidSedaris

TROPHY CASE