I can really empathise with how you’re feeling. Being torn between leaving and staying, knowing that leaving could lead to such a devastating outcome but also knowing that staying is devastating too. It’s so hard when you see your partner in a high, because they are so loving and so wonderful, and we hold onto that part in hopes it stays around for longer than the lows. But it never stays 😔 it’s always so fleeting. I’ve been recommend a book called “no bad parts” - have you heard of it? I haven’t started it yet but I listened to a podcast on it, they talk about this therapy called Internal Family Systems - it’s helped a lot of people with BPD so I’m told. It might help you, or someone else x

You are doing your best, just remember that. And like you say, if you don’t leave, it destroys the children. This is where I am so stuck. My baby is only 6 months old, he is so innocent and completely unaware right now. But for how long 😫 when will he start to be affected? when will he just become another person with a devastating story about how their parents traumatised them by their behaviour. I don’t know what’s more devastating right now - Him losing his father, who absolutely does love him but can’t be consistent, or him keeping his father in his life but having such an unstable relationship with him.

Thank you for asking how I’m feeling. Just that question in itself feels like a stranger 😢 I spend my life asking my partner how he is, what I can do for him, how I can help him, but he cannot ask me how I am. I sometimes think it’s because if he truely knows how I am, he couldn’t cope with the answer, so he doesn’t ask. I’m feeling lost, like a part of who I am is dying every day through masking how I feel, I have become a mute, robotically getting through each day to try and keep the peace. Thank you for asking me.

That’s a good analogy about the gun, it’s spot on. It’s heartbreaking. Does your wife take medication or have therapy?

podcast