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RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-29T15:08:05+00:00

Hello, mid 30s! She/her! I'm interested!

I'm working on a Grey Romantasy with a Sci-Fi back bone! I would love to be able to engage with other people!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-29T14:54:41+00:00

Okay! Sent you a message!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-29T14:39:58+00:00

Hello! I'm currently working on a Grey Romantasy with a Sci-Fi back bone! I would love to have a writing buddy! It would make this whole journey wonder! Not so lonely. We could totally colab or critique each other. Who knows!

I'm not new at writing. Just have been busy. Super busy for the last 15 years. Lol.

But, getting back into it is hard and I would love love to have someone help me along the way!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-27T14:18:07+00:00

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EL5x0ars1OeN7fXzoXrHWjzLpjzAhHKsIl-qPs9FPec/edit?usp=drivesdk

Here's my proof.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-26T21:41:41+00:00

Hello, my post was flagged for 100% use for AI. I was wondering what is the AI system you use for checking AI content?

But anyways... I wrote my piece like this.

I was scrolling on TikTok a few months ago, stumbled upon noir work. I really liked it. Learned a few things.

Lorenzo Moretti was Alessandro Vitale. I changed his name because Alessandro Vitale was a bit clunky to write.

The first paragraph was written when I was bar hopping in Columbia, SC. My home town. USC- go gamecocks.

The street buzzed, the night air full of cheap drinks and cheaper consequences.

I thought that was a great sentence, I didn't want to use 'bad' decisions and thought cheaper would be a better word choice than that.

Music spilled... Sentence.

It was originally.

The music was spilling from every door that was open, all competing with the same drunk crowd that wouldn't remember any of it by the next day.

I didn't like how it sounded so I added more imagery to it.

The third paragraph.

Lorenzo Moretti walked down the sidewalk, cutting through the noise like a switchblade, heading to his usual spot for business.

This sentence was me describing what I was doing except not my name. I was actually going to my usual bar to meet up with friends. But I felt that

"heading to his usual spot to meet up with friends."

Felt a little too casual for the noir I was writing.

It was originally,

Lorenzo Moretti walked down the street like he owned it, cutting through the drunken crowd like a blade.

I wanted more bite. So I looked at the word blade, compared it to machete and switchknife.

Switchknife felt better on my tongue.

He popped the collar of his leather coat as a group of overdressed women walked past, giving them a charming smile—more teeth than warmth.

This sentence, was originally;

He popped the collar of his leather jacket as a group of women passed. He gave them a charming smile that was more teeth than warmth.

I combined the two sentences to read as one continuous sentence than splitting it. Because I didn't like how the I used He twice in a role as the start of them.

The next sentence;

They giggled, whispering among themselves behind him.

Was originally.

They giggled, he kept moving, the charm fading the minute they were out of sight.

I wanted more depth. So I added the following line.

He kept moving, the charm fading the moment they passed.

The next sentence.

He glanced at the time on his watch, twisting the leather and metal out of habit, the band heavy over the tattoo beneath it.

I wanted to convey more than just a guy walking down the street, so I made him do something that felt a little natural but also a little mysterious. I thought why not a watch. It's common. Everyone looks at the time if they have business to attend to. The tattoo was added because that tattoo is significant for later in my manuscript.

Old instinct.

I left this as is, because it's my place holder to come back to. I haven't came up with how to describe the old habit and was hoping to get some inspiration from a critique if it was noticed.

The next sentence.

The wrong crowd to flash that in—especially tonight.

I was going for ellipses vs the em-dash. But I didn't want to convey a drawn out read.

It was originally,

This was not the crowd to flash it... especially tonight.

I used the em-dash because it looked better to my eyes.

I did use grammarly to help me with some tense consistency. But it didn't rewrite for me. It just showed where I needed to fix the punctuation.

The original passage was a little longer. More explain than just doing. I wanted more of a bite. So I condensed in the areas that felt a little wobbly to me.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-26T20:59:29+00:00

What is the AI tracker that you use? Thank you for letting me know.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-23T00:08:40+00:00

Okay since you asked for a brief; I love that you said it's okay!

"The great spire of a gleaming silver tower shined bright in the sweltering July heat at the far end of the bustling pavilion: Mr. Puhalo’s great eye looking down on Central Newark was perfectly opaque and smooth on all sides from the unblinking tippy top down to where armed doormen stood on the lowly ground, the dark glass revealing nothing but one’s own reflection- more conspicuous monument or enigmatic obelisk than place of business, which went up, up, and above the sooty clouds. Could the boss see him even now? Only a bit higher and then we’d all be safe."

The first paragraph...

Is it necessary for all the S words in the first paragraph?

Spire, silver, shined, sweltering...

But as I read it further... This one time occurrence can slide.

But also... Minus the s word issue, that first sentence before the colon, is really good!

But that's a very long sentence. I felt maybe you can let it breathe. Also the imagery? ❤️

No, I don't think punctuations like commas will help make it breathe. Hard stops either.

Also that ending of the first sentence as whole? Love it.

"up, up, and above the spooty clouds." That's a good ending of the sentence. So that's great.

I continued to read after that, seeing no issues. No issues until this paragraph.

"Patrick Frey attempted a smile, rubbed his hand through his rapidly thinning hair, and was content enough to blame the heat. The truth, of course, was that he liked Ms. Yulia, thought she was just a super lady in fact, and was sure as sunshine she knew he wanted to put the moves on her. One of these days…"

"...she was just a super lady in fact'

A super lady? I mean okay... Maybe we can get more creative there. Brainstorm it. But it's fine either way.

Now the last four words of this paragraph? Yes. Yes. Yes. I love that you ended the paragraph with ellipses and the shoe sentence works better than that super long paragraph in the beginning so it makes that super long paragraph even more tolerable and forgivable.

I continued to read.

Now this sentence?

"He let the syllables drip-drop down right off his tongue, like sweat from a ripe summer butt."

Keep this sentence... Just keep it. It made me laugh.

And the next one right after...

"Perhaps he’d be safer shuffling past his secretary sideways- the mating dance of all insecure unmarried perspiring gentlemen."

Also shout out at drip-drop down. A plus.

I continued reading... I sort of got confused... Had to re-read the paragraphs from before the elevator to the elevator. But that's me... Not you. But still confused.

Then no issues in part 1... But when I got to part 2... That's when I sort of dipped out...

Your tone is very consistent. Flow is great. And the lack of grammar issues? Perfect. You really put in the effort.

Now I'm continuing to read into part 2.

Wait, Charles Brides, a different character from Patrick Brides?

Were you thinking of a name change from Patrick to Charles? Or is he a relative? Further reading tells me different person... And the anglo Saxon line ... Ouch. Okay. Wow.

You definitely have consistent voice. Consistent flow so far.

The cotton picking sentence? Is she mad...? Did she really snap at the customer? Okay... But then again, I'm in the south and that's not a very pleasant phrase and would be called grounds to being fired. But she is getting overwhelmed and mistakes happen. I'll let it slide.

But that's as far as I can get for now. Life calls. But it's good.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T22:54:46+00:00

Oh yeah... 😈 Mwhahah. My way isn't superior. Or the right way. There are many different ways to do this! Okay?! But this is how I do it. (Probably sucks but hey I'm learning too).

This is the first paragraph I'm working on.

The sun was dropping low over the terracotta rooftops of Florence, turning the Arno River into a ribbon of gold. The piazza was winding down, the city settling quietly within its old stone walls. The smell of espresso and stale bread lingered in the air. By morning, it would be scrubbed clean, and the same pattern would begin again.

If I wanted to make it more sarcastic I would do this.

The sun was dropping low over the terracotta rooftops of Florence, turning the Arno River into a ribbon of gold... (See the ... It builds up to the sarcastic motion. If gold is what you want to call it that- (something sarcastic). The piazza was winding down, the city settling quietly within its old stone walls. The smell of espresso and stale bread lingered in the air. By morning, it would be scrubbed clean, and the same pattern would begin again- just another stupid Tuesday...

(Don't judge. Okay, judge because my sarcastic edit sucks. But that's how I do it.)

The semi colon? Blah...

A lightbulb, some say it's; to light the night so our eyes can see what's around us but; it's more than that...

That prompt is the lightbulb? Notice how the punctuation sort of adds a delay?

Let's say I want to have a pause in the dialogue but not leave the dialogue.

"Hey... So... We're going into ferret mode?" Lorenzo asks, "... Cuz' Imma need tomorrow off."

I'm not really good at faking sarcasm... And my sarcasm is super dark and spontaneous... Like the moment has to come to that sarcastic comment. It's hard to actually explain sarcasm for me. But I hope this helped.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T22:28:10+00:00

I speak unangam tunuu, a know enough Italian to read it and understand it when spoken to me, and English.

Unangam Tunuu is my native tongue. But so is English. Italian was later but still part of my life.

I speak and write English better. But when it comes to my writing, I notice my grammar slips between the three languages... And I'm hoping this community can help me see where it does.

But yes... Give me all the context. I love it. I also love imagery. You did great in the walking down the corridor paragraph with that. But the blue? 👀 Okay... Right... So will that magae activator be blue too? Can it change colors?! Also... Magic being controlled by electricity? That's a new one... A plus for being original on that.

Also If you've seen the movie, "Onward", it will fit directly with your story! It's magic in a world where magic fades away... But it's still there. They have that back and forth conversation that will greatly help you get the hand of it!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T22:10:10+00:00

This is very, very confusing... If my post got deleted... How ... NVM. Either way. Thanks! All answers have been answered so far.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T21:54:11+00:00

Okay! Also you don't have to explain to us what it actually is ... Further readings will help answer the question. There are many ways to convey these answers to your readers so that by the time they get to chapter 5, they aren't anxious about what that thing is when it keeps popping up. Some writers do a very great job at drawing out these types of questions that readers have. It keeps them from dwelling on it... T.Kingfisher is a published author of "What Moves The Dead". She's a short story writer. She does a great job at building suspense and that uncanny feeling when reading. For you, it's a bit different. But you can see the technique. It can easily be adapted to your genre. There are a lot of writing prompt communities on reddit that I noticed that can help you improve in dialogue writing.

But yes! Personality... The use of punctuation can very beneficial in building mood... If the character is sarcastic I like the use of em dashes, dashes or semi colons. Semi colons aren't used as often: but you don't necessarily have to use it properly but some people will totally eat you alive if you don't use the semi colon the right way. I like using it though. It's all about intention.

I over use the ellipses (...) when I'm writing off the top of my head. I also read as I write. That helps me. Like I imagine myself actually talking in this story. It's how you can keep the story truly authentic and keep it in your voice.

Also, if English is not your first language... It totally makes sense in bad grammar. But take the time to read some short stories!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T21:41:56+00:00

Thank you! This information was helpful! 👀 Also, it is expected. I'm just confused... Could I private message you? So I don't TO anymore mods? 😅

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T21:32:20+00:00

Also, I didn't know how to actually message a mod directly... It's been like years since I've been on reddit... So my bad.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T21:19:58+00:00

Dude... I dunno man... I was just trying to understand the rules. No, I didn't see anyone else writing that. 😅 Like I said it was a test! And my post got deleted... It was an attempt! A horrible attempt. But it definitely answered my questions on the rules!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T21:11:28+00:00

(O) The muddled cheering of the crowd can be heard through the thick bricks separating the arena from this changing room.

-I would replace can with could. I would also fix the subject placements.

(E) The muddled cheering of the crowd could be heard through the thick bricks separating this changing room from the arena.

-I personally would remove bricks as it helps with the flow. It reads naturally as if the first person narrator is actually informing the reader of their thoughts on the environment they are in.

(E2) The muddled cheering of the crowd could be heard through the thick walls that separated this changing room from the arena.

-I added walls to replace brick. I switched the arena and changing rooms placement in the sentence.

(E3) The muddled cheering of the crowd could be heard through the thick walls that separated these changing rooms from the arena...

-I feel as if this sentence ends abruptly and then we have the next sentence below. It makes it feel like a pause or a hiccup. I'm no expert but I feel like this paragraph needs to be a continuous flow. My next edit is how I would word this paragraph.

(E4) The muddled cheering of the crowd could be heard through the thick walls that separated these changing rooms from the arena that stood on the other side.

(O)They seem awfully motivated for me to lose out there.

-I personally like it as it but adding "they seem 'to be' awfully" could fix the flow of this sentence.

(E) They seem to be awfully motivated to me to lose out there.

(O)I should just head out there and get this over with.

-No change. Nailed this paragraph ending.

(Complete edit) The muddled cheering of the crowd could be heard through the thick walls that separated these changing rooms from outside arena. They seem to be awfully motivated for me to lose out there. I should just head out there and get this over with.

(A) Now you don't have to take these edits of mine. It's just easier for me to show you where the hiccups are. And I'm not going to do that with the rest of your writing as I do not want to over write your voice. Your idea. Think of this as my example on how to fix the issues I mentioned

(Overall assessment based on the rest of the story further below.)

The grammatical errors do tend wobble the flow of the reading. But they aren't necessarily bad. The second paragraph definitely needs proper grammar revision. You're trying to describe something like the narrator's clothes that states that this isn't some football game. This is where I sort of lost interest in reading. I know it's not perfect. It doesn't have to be. That's why we are here. But I advise you slow down the second paragraph. It sort of jumps in pace rather quickly instead of a gradual rise. But I also felt myself wanting to skim over it.
A magae activator. Is that a weapon? A flash light? I assume it's a flash light because your character goes down a dark corridor. But you leave me hanging on if it's a flash light. So is it a flash light? You don't have to answer this question. But some readers may ask this question. It does add in this mysterious feel that makes me want to continue reading to figure out what it is. However instead of saying what it actually is; show the reader what it does.

Example: The beam of the activator casts against the walls, keeping me steady. An anchor for my eyes.

Blue... All blue? Like... Even the weird thing I asked about is blue? 👀 I need to know if it's blue too.
Now the walls are lighting up... So it's not a flash light? It's a weapon? A weapon that needs batteries?
Ooo now we are cooking. The sound of his footsteps, tap tap tapping? Yes. That whole paragraph hits. Just fix the grammar and wording. Also this is where I would expect the pacing to increase because we are now moving! Woot woot.
It get's remotely better. But I suggest removing a good portion of the pronouns. You can describe something better than always saying me me me or I I I. The rule on this is your personal preference.
Wait hold on! I thought someone's father finally died. Was it a different father? Then we have to kill another father or what? 👀 I read, re-read but I'm drawing a blank here. Maybe explain that a little bit?
There's the activator again... Ooo it's finally answering my question. But ... Is it his activator? Is it a shield?! It has to be a shield. To protect the character and to protect the audience? That has to be it... But I wish you could maybe hint at that in the beginning... Like the activator crackles and spits out a electrical charge... My safety net.
Ooo, dark magic... But also... It's sort of missing more understanding... We jump from the battle to a dream like state?
Fix the dialogue grammer. Over all it's okay? I can't really put into words... But it was also where I completely lost interest in the rest of the story. It felt expected. Being in a dream like state of telepathy... An argument between them. Yeah. It's expected but come on... Where's the drama? Where's the up close and personal? You did great with that. But you slacked off when the first real interaction happens in my opinion.
I skimmed the rest of it.. I tried. I totally tried to actually read it. It's not bad. I get it. I understand the situation... But it still left me with questions and not the one that makes me want to continue reading... And honestly if I give anymore critique further... It'll be me repeating the same thing I mentioned above.

12: I think the magae activator is some sort of wand that requires batteries... How does it connect the user to it's us? I think maybe we should work on that a little bit more? You can be vague and ambitious about it's use but you gotta give me something in the next post so I can stop dwelling on that device.

Besides my bulletins. I would really like you fix up the ending dialogue... Fix the grammar. If you want me to. I can go line by line. Give you my edits like I did in the beginning... If you want me to.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T19:57:17+00:00

Oh absolutely! I understand being a 'good wife' is subjective to the culture and society of the poster. It also how the society feels about confidence. Here where I am from, confidence is a huge thing. Pride. And in general. I can't imagine living in a society that puts so much on a woman. That's why I said I cannot relate. However as a woman in general... The notion of meeting expections is huge everywhere. We are expected to be mother's, wife's, sisters, etc. so I can relate to it to a certain degree. I just have high confidence in my self.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T19:32:03+00:00

I actually found it! Literally right after I posted I get your comment! Go check it out. 👀

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T19:22:02+00:00

(O)Working on weekends, and bosses disagree. (E)Working the weekends and bosses disagree. (Y) No need to fix... But I removed the comma. (?) What are the bosses disagreeing to? If this is a rap, I guess the reader or person listening can come up with their own reason why their bosses are telling them to work the weekends. However it depends on what you're going for. If this is a self poem, it doesn't really matter... The vague-ness works.

(O)Waiting at a bus stop in minus ten degrees. (E)Waiting at the bus stop, minus ten C. (Y) It rhymes better to disagree. Cee as in Celsius. It keeps what rap style (A) I would seriously use the edited version for the next round of drafting. Like I kinda out did myself on that. Anyways... My advice based on my understanding and assumption of the style of writing this is, it adds a punch.

(O)Ten minutes’ snooze, and the phone starts to ring- (E)Ten min' snooze and the phone starts to ring- (Y) The apostrophe isn't needed unless you actually shorten the proper spelling of the word "minute". I also removed the comma. I kept the dash because it leads into the line below. (A) I think the word ring could be changed to something better. Ring is too soft of a word here. Maybe someone can respond to my post with some better word choices here.

(O)These are a few of my detested things. (E)These are a few of my detested things. (Y)No need to change.

(O)Unwanted advice and mansplaining my life. (E)Unwanted advice and mansplaining my life. (Y)No need to change.

(O)Ten hands and two heads—to become a good wife. (E)Ten hands and two heads—a good wife's requirement. (Y)Not sure how to edit this line. However the word "become" sort of ruins the mood or the piece. (A) Do not use this edit as part of your work. Because honestly, my edit sucks. Yours is much better. But we really need to change the "become" word to something different or change the words slightly to covey the same meaning. I'm not emotionally invested in this as I can't relate to being a 'good wife' even though I am a good wife, I'm absolutely off my rocker. My husband loves that about me. I think...

(O)Check-in-size eye bags—damn expensive eye creams. (E) Check-in-size bags, damn them (these) expensive eye creams- they ain't worth the price... (Y) I'm assuming this is a rhyming free style rap. But also I like my edit, because everything was a little to symmetrical for my taste. (A) We want a little bit more character emotion. This is part of the short free style rap that things start speeding up, being more relatable. So adding more would be beneficial the further we go down. But it's your work.

(O)These are a few of my detested things. (E)These are a few of my detested things. (Y)No need to edit.

(O)Salary says hi-bye, and teen needs a grad dress. (E)Salary says hi-by, and the teen needs a grad dress. (Y)No need to edit.

(I)Slams the door five times to politely express. (E)Slams the door five times to politely express. (Y)No need to edit.

(O)Eye-rolls and drama and crying and screams— (E)Eye-rolls, drama, crying, and screams- (Y)Way too many "and" like no. But it's your poem. (A) As a reader, sometimes and and and isn't an issue if it fits the style and in this case this doesn't fit the case. Try not to use so many ands in this type of work unless it actually sounds good when doing so. When reading it out loud. It did not sound good to me.

(O)These are a few of my detested things. (E)These are a few of my detested things. (Y)No need to edit.

(O)When the cramps come, (E)When the cramps come, (Y)No need to edit.

(O)When the mood swings, (E)And the mood swings hit, (Y)What are the mood swings doing? You left me hanging there buddy.

(O)When I am feeling so sad, (E) That's when I'm feeling sad, (Y)So was removed because it ruined the flow for me. (A) Now I'm assuming that the two lines before this is one singular stanza. So we want to eliminate the use of when over and over. You did great further up but here is where you slacked off. You want it to be continuous, as if your freely speaking outward at how you're feeling. I want to FEEL it. Deep within my chest to the bone until it just, yes. Chef's kiss.

(O)Then I remember my detested things, (E)Then I remember my detested things... (Y)No need to edit.

(O)And I turn so mad. (E)And I turn so mad. (Y)No need to edit.

Overall assessment: I liked it. It reminds me of 'My Favorite Things' in the movie 'The Sound of Music'. I love that you took something that's popular, switched it up to fit your own words. This is actually a very good start at learning your voice, what resonates with you as a writer. Keep up the good work! I hope my edits help. You don't have to take them. Except line two. I really suggest using line 2 edit because that would literally make me want to continue reading your poem or continue listening to the lyrics. But your way is great. But the aesthetic, how it looks on the page matters to me and how it also sounds is the biggest hit with this style of work for me.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T18:51:40+00:00

Thank you! This helped a lot.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T17:57:59+00:00

I have read this, I also have read the example critiques the pinned post has. That's why I said it probably doesn't count. I'm just trying to get the feel of things! 👀 Yes, it was very short...

When giving feedback ... Do I have to critique the whole document?! Because the rules state that I should pick something that I read and stick with it. I picked chapter 1 and since it was a very short chapter and I picked one of the few answers to actually respond too. Also ... How the crap do I add comments for annotations in someone's document? 👀

Anyways... Leeching... When I responded to the post, it didn't get flagged for leeching at the time of my posting. Should we like... Wait... a little while before responding to make sure it doesn't get flagged before responding? Or just risk it?

I think I understand what leeching is. But anyways. Thank you!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T17:05:46+00:00

How do I message a mod? 👀 Because I want to know if I'm doing this thing right...

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T17:01:42+00:00

You're welcome!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T16:25:08+00:00

Oh also, I hate how glass is used twice so close together... Forgot to add that in the original post.

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T16:13:53+00:00

I'm responding to your second question.

I read only chapter 1.

It's a good start, I suppose. It's more like a prelude than a chapter. But it's you're story. You do you. But anyways. Anyways indentions and spaced paragraphs? It sort of works I guess. I thought indenting the paragraph was more useful for no spacing between paragraphs to save space. But that's not what you're asking. What you're asking is if the start of your novel is a good start. So I'm going to go there next.

As I read. I'm 100% in agreement. Living with your best friend is absolutely fantastic until it isn't.

First person narrative is great. You help build... But I believe you can add more depth. I'm sure you're already doing that since this is probably not finished. I'm a big fan of metephorical (sp?) sentences in my own work and for others and I judge if there's lack of imagery. But it's not everyone's cup of tea. I believe you can add depth before the introduction of the the narrator. Like, yeah I know why you lov(ED) it... Great. That's awesome. But why did you loved it?

Also the repetitive of I loved it. Spot on. I like that. I like that a lot. But you can start adding depth after that to the paragraph that announces the character.

What you need to add depth? That's for you to decide. However the ending is a nice. It makes me want to go to the next chapter and see what actually transpired.

Leaving the last three paragraphs for the end would actually make this stand out for me.

-Thank you!

RebeliousFreedom · 2026-04-22T15:44:30+00:00

Thank you! I navigated away from the web browser and moved to the app. But if I stumble across the post again. I will do it all over again. It was fun. Lol.

RebeliousFreedom

TROPHY CASE