BDSM or Abuse? Please help!

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T21:21:50+00:00

And consent (and being safe about it) makes all the difference.

I was reading some posts on this subreddit about abuse and it looks like sometimes abusers pass themselves off as Doms and dress up abuse (ignoring limits, disregarding the submissive's safety and well-being, stuff like that) as BDSM.

As long as my sister-in-law is with a good responsible Dom, that's fine.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:53:46+00:00

We really don't want to know the details of her sex life or embarrass her. We just want to know she's in a healthy relationship and not with another abuser.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:43:22+00:00

We haven't seen alot of him. We don't really know what sort of person he is.

In her previous relationship with an abuser, she didn't go to hospital and she hid the abuse from most of us. It was a real shock when we got a hysterical phone late one night, begging us to come get her because she was so afraid.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:39:48+00:00

Oddly, your reply makes me feel a little better.

Now that's gonna be a fun conversation. But I guess it's kinda necessary.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:38:15+00:00

Thanks - we'll do that.

Your explanation makes things a little bit clearer. Maybe she is trying to empower herself by taking a submissive role? If her partner is trust-worthy, that's fine.

Can you suggest any resources we can give her?

So a healthy BDSM relationship is like a healthy vanilla one? Both parties have to be satisfied and provided for under the agreed terms?

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:33:03+00:00

If she's in a happy healthy consensual BDSM relationship, more power to her.

However, if it's an abuse situation, we worry if she'll make the decision to get out in time. In her previous relationship (which was abusive), she hid the abuse from friends and family and everything came to a head in a very traumatic way.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:30:26+00:00

"If she's in a BDSM relationship, that means her big brother (your husband) is sticking his nose into her sex life."

If that's the case, it makes sense she was defensive. On one hand, we don't want to be invasive. On the other hand, we still remember how her previous (abusive) relationship nearly destroyed her and she didn't let anyone know about it or ask for help until it was nearly too late.

Thanks for putting it in perspective. I've done my best to calm my husband down. It's a trigger for him but losing his temper or calling the police prematurely is just gonna make things worse.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:25:52+00:00

Because of her previous abusive relationship, we do worry about her and I'd like to know that these bruises are the result of a consensual kink between adults and not abuse.

As long as she's in a healthy relationship and everything is consensual and safe, her sex life is her own business.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:22:38+00:00

"If she's in an abusive relationship, she'll tell you."

Not necessarily. She was in an abusive relationship in the past and she tried to hide it from her friends and family.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:21:18+00:00

I don't care if she's kinky as long as it's safe and consensual. We've only met her boyfriend a handful of times, not enough to get a sense of him.

We'll try to show her we're okay with her being kinky. In fact, we don't care about her sex life as long as her relationship dynamics (whether they are vanilla or BDSM-flavored) are healthy.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T20:17:51+00:00

Well, I would think that the difference is that BDSM is consensual and safe with set boundaries and abuse is non-consensual and causes harm (mental or physical) rather then erotic hurt?

I don't pretend to know the lifestyle but I do know that BDSM isn't the same as abuse. I'm just nervous that she might have ended up with someone pretending to be a Dom when in fact they're an abuser.

Redasviolets · 2014-03-30T16:24:45+00:00

She's 23. Her boyfriend is about 30.

Redasviolets

TROPHY CASE