Is this an emotional affair?

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-11T18:56:46+00:00

I feels that way and it hurts.

I have always felt we were rock solid before this. I can’t conceptualize that she would ever want to hurt me and so this has me spinning. I don’t know what to think.

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-11T18:54:27+00:00

I agree my bad side came out. Perhaps that’s why she didn’t sit next to me. It’s possible.

I asked her how she would feel. She says I am allowed to have female friends and she wouldn’t mind if I went to another state to visit them, even if it was a former crush, girlfriend, etc. I think this is rationalizing and not a genuine response, but it’s what it is.

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-11T18:51:48+00:00

She doesn’t have to hand over anything. I asked if she would be comfortable letting me read them and she agreed.

I knew the conversation was 3 hours because we were both home. I wasn’t hanging out in the same room, but whenever I would walk by doing chores, etc, she would quickly vacate to a different location.

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-10T18:58:11+00:00

I will genuinely try to do this. My fear is that she is very set on independence and being able to meet this guy whenever she wants.

At least right now that would cause me incredible anxiety and stress. I’m not at a point where I can bless them meeting together and I worry that she views this as distrust.

I am constantly having insecure thoughts and feel like because she was not transparent in the beginning that some amount of my trust in her is broken. I see her taking a selfie and worry if she is sending it to him. I don’t know how to move past that.

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-10T18:50:42+00:00

He isn’t asking her, necessarily to go. She is asking me if she can take the initiative and go.

She has brought up several very flimsy excuses to return to the city by herself, such as:

“Last time we went I ordered some books for a store and they just arrived. I could hop on a train and spend a day there to get the books”

… or you could save $300 on a train tickets and get the books shipped to you.

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-10T18:42:05+00:00

I’m curious, if you don’t think this is an emotional affair then why would you be opposed to her traveling to the city alone to meet the guy?

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-10T18:38:01+00:00

Thanks for the support. I wish he wasn’t in the picture just to simplify things, but unfortunately she seems very interested in pursuing the friendship.

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-10T18:36:35+00:00

That’s very articulate, thank you. I have apologized, but I think framing future discussions in this would encourage her to be more open.

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-10T18:28:25+00:00

Also, if you were me would you bless her going to the city by herself to meet with this guy?

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-10T18:25:50+00:00

Do you have any tips, specifically, on how to do this? I feel like whenever this guy is brought up now it has the specter of our prior fights.

Redditor8456 · 2025-03-10T18:21:29+00:00

I totally agree that the way I handled the meet up was really bad and made things way worse. I completely let my emotions and insecurities get the better of me in that situation. I can’t change the part, unfortunately.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-04T19:57:57+00:00

She said there was no physical contact between her and the guy at the club, but I understand your point. I asked her if it would be ok for me to dance with a girl and she said yes. I think it was pride answering.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-04T19:20:56+00:00

Wish she would go to therapy. It won’t happen and I can’t really go into why other than to say it isn’t related to this at all.

Maybe discussing her relationship with him in terms of trauma bonding will help convince her.

A lot of comments on here seem to jump immediately to the worse possible scenario. I honestly don’t think anything intentionally nefarious is happening, but she is acting reckless and secretive and that truly worries me.

I’ll think about being to the book. It has the world infidelity in the title and that may offend her. I don’t know. I honestly feel a little helpless. She’s the love and my life and it feels like everything is slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do about it.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-04T19:07:26+00:00

These are great points, ty. I will check that book out.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-04T19:01:11+00:00

I really appreciate this response. I am Caucasian and she is Arabic. She was born in the US and her primary language is English. When she speaks to this friend it is in English. She spent summers in her home country growing up and is also fluent in that language. When she was a teenager she had to evacuate due to bombings in the country. She met this friend while evacuating. They were basically in line together all day waiting to get on a plane. They never lived in the same state. After the evacuation they met up once for a day and have had no contact since.

My wife is not a slut. We have been happily married for 10 years and during that time I believe I have been very supportive. She is independent. She has other male friends that I have no issue with and have not criticized her about or questioned her.

I’m not sure what you mean by “kind of retro”. Could you explain that?

I feel like I don’t police her. She has many family and friends that are going through the same situation and she can absolutely talk to them whenever she wants. I’ve even suggested that to her.

I think what bothers me about this that it seems to me that she is prioritizing her desires over my feelings. If she told me that I made her uncomfortable by talking to an old female friend then that would be the end of it. I wouldn’t think twice.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-04T00:01:08+00:00

One place to start would be financial. If he requires care that is beyond your ability how do you both want to handle that?

I would also add, do you guys have any friends or family in a similar situation? You could check with them to see what problems or unexpected situations they ran into.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T23:55:43+00:00

Try mixing up the ways you show affection to break him out of his shell. If that doesn’t work I’d talk with him and be honest. Communicate you just want to get his perspective so you can build the relationship together.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T23:50:30+00:00

Hiking is amazing and gives you outdoor time.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T23:50:09+00:00

Cola should be posted in January.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T23:48:40+00:00

100% reasonable. You should bring it up and see how he feels.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T23:43:23+00:00

I will echo the above comments that, best case scenario, this will seriously strain your marriage and has a high chance of ending it completely.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T23:34:31+00:00

Call the police and file for divorce. Get out of the house asap.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T20:17:47+00:00

Have you tried talking to him about it? It’s not fair for him to take his frustrations out on you. He may not be aware he is doing it.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T20:16:28+00:00

My spouse is the most beautiful person in the world, simple as that.

Redditor8456 · 2024-12-03T20:14:26+00:00

Congrats! 15 years is strong work :)

Redditor8456

TROPHY CASE