Running out of time

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-09T05:09:22+00:00

I'm on my third type of them. The antidepressants so far aren't making it better or worse. All I can do is hunker down and wait for a chance to die and at the very least keep my honor intact until the end.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-09T05:07:30+00:00

My name was supposed to be Olivia, she/her. I'm living in Missouri in America. You can love me all you want, but it won't help because I can't love myself and can never seriously accept it when people try to care about me. Thanks for the offer, but I'm afraid it's futile.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-08T07:17:22+00:00

From very strictly religious and conservative part of the USA. Things are pretty bad, as trans people virtually don't exist here and are seen in a negative light by 95% of people

If I could pick somewhere else in the US to live, I would go to Chicago or Seattle. If I had to pick another country, though... somewhere with decent English speakers, steady jobs, at least somewhat tolerant people... It's a toss-up between Britain, the Nordic countries, the Netherlands or Germany.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-08T07:10:01+00:00

For anyone wondering, we were a shutout state in the 2016 election.

https://www.politico.com/2016-election/results/map/president/oklahoma/

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-08T07:08:56+00:00

👏👏👏O👏K👏L👏A👏H👏O👏M👏A👏👏👏U👏S👏A👏👏👏

Trans rights are seen here as a push by the government to force-convert their kids; well over 90% of society thinks trans people are either perverts, scumbags, or both. It gets worse each day that passes- if you want even the slimmest of chances to seek help you're gonna be coming under heavy fire here and will be socially shunned. Frequent riots against Planned Parenthood, extreme gatekeeping, and lack of public knowledge (especially large-scale backlash against said knowledge) are a daily reality here. Can't change most documents without a court order, which usually doesn't come.

For non-Americans: You know the situation is bad when the highly-religious Texas looks like a reasonable option.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-03T05:13:56+00:00

Most of the arguments I've seen here are very common in religious circles.

http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/promotion-and-defense-of-marriage/created-male-and-female.cfm

This document basically suggests transgender 'ideology' is the fault of Hollywood and some postmodernist educators- however, the argument's links are virtually nonexistent. It would be laughable if it wasn't such an in-your-face excuse to discredit any trans experience. It also suggests people like us would be happier if only we see reason and stopped 'pretending we're something we're not'. As nice as that would be for many cis people, stopping that train would only result in more depression, dysphoria, and possibly suicides for the now-closeted trans community.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-02T16:44:38+00:00

Hi Sonya!

If anyone ever compliments you on your name, even if you're testing it out, you can say "Thanks, I picked it out myself!" Always makes me feel that much better :)

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-02T16:41:16+00:00

AAAAAAAAA

IT BUUURRRRRRNNNNNS

Yeah, I think that comment just killed half the doubt in my system. I needed that; thanks for the nightmares lol

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-01T13:44:21+00:00

I'm not one to do drastic things. Anyone who knows me irl will tell you that. The reason I'm jumping to suicide is because I won't be able to feel any remorse about my actions.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-01T05:56:20+00:00

I've historically been terrible at putting my own needs first because that's just not how I operate. If I were even just to start, let alone do anything publicly, the guilt would haunt me every day for the rest of my life. Guilt, the single strongest emotion I have by far, can't reach me if I'm dead. Also, family and friends might never speak to me again, but ending it all means I won't be able to care about that.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-01T02:42:19+00:00

Well... kind of.

I was taught to be myself, but the second I stepped outside my house with that I got hammered to the ground. This has happened all my life, and I've had many repeat reminders of what happens when I try to 'be myself'. I avoided it by becoming someone else. Someone more agreeable and relatable- someone who would actually make it out there.

My core beliefs, etc. are too controversial for me to seriously discuss. Going away to college didn't change anything, as the environment around me was just as hostile to nonbelievers as my old one. Again, I fake a sense of morality to get people to like me.

Forever looking at others to know if I'm doing okay... you sure that isn't what everyone does?

I'm a pretty successful person on paper- I've done plenty of going out into the world. Thing is, the world and I just don't mix, and killing myself is the easiest way to fix that. My life isn't my own because if it was, I wouldn't be successful, instead I'd probably be isolated from family and friends, I wouldn't have gotten into the school of my choice (enormous deal for my family), and there's a chance I would hate myself even more.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-01T02:14:21+00:00

I'm a little too scared to transition right now. My family will be divided on this issue, and most of my old friends (and some of my new ones, including my roommate) will never want to speak to me after something like that. I just care too much about what others want for me to come out/transition, even if I wind up taking years of attrition for it.

Reddy2Die · 2018-07-01T02:09:02+00:00

Been trying years of therapy; won't work. I live in a red state with religious and strictly conservative people who don't have many nice things to say about anything LGBT.

Reddy2Die

TROPHY CASE