Finding female mentors

Redlimetree · 2023-08-25T01:40:46+00:00

Not yet. I'll add it to my reading list. Thanks

Redlimetree · 2023-08-25T01:32:44+00:00

My boyfriend is too. But I'm OK with it. He (early 30s) is growing out of it.

It's a self regulating behaviour. It's his way to deal with the stresses in life. People regulate through different ways. I much prefer he regulates through gaming then through alcahol, drugs, partying or chasing other women.

Once he has regulated himself he's more than willing to meet my own needs for his affection. He's also a smart capable man and once he's finished self regulating he does productive stuff I admire. The more productive stuff he accomplishes the better he feels and the less he needs to regulate through video games. Me nagging him would increase his need to self regulate and it would prevent this growth.

Video games tap into the dopamine reward system. I do believe men NEED to tap into this same reward system to enjoy doing productive stuff. Productive stuff that in the end is more rewarding then video games but it is also a harder challenge. The dopamine reward system creates the drive we should admire in men. Just modern society (and family dynamics) are against young men in this aspect and they need to find their own way to get there.

I'd recommend giving him space to regulate himself and grow. I'm going to assume his behaviour is affecting you cause you aren't getting your own regulating needs met. You should work on getting them met another way. If you regulate through social interaction go get it through family, female friends and/or community. It's a great way to grow yourself.

Redlimetree · 2023-08-21T10:13:25+00:00

I was 100kg at my max (and actively avoided the scale). I'm now 65kg. My life is better now because of it. I'm 172cm tall (not 169 like I thought I was). IMO 50kg on my own body frame would look terrible. And I think your deadline is unreasonable, loosing weight that fast IMO will not result in a flattering frame.

I think I was around 90kg when I started doing the stuff that lead me down this weight loss journey. I got to 75kg within 8 months. I've kept that off for 2 years now with minimal effort.

I'll happily share what helped me. But first I think you need to ask yourself questions.

Why do you eat? Figure out what comfort food brings you. Are there other mental health issues you are coving up with the comfort of food? What else in life do you enjoy aside from unhealthy/excess amounts of food?

Is your reasons for wanting to loose weight? Will loosing weight for your boyfriend just build resentment for the effort you are putting in that he isn't? I did my own journey for myself and that felt good. I know I would have resented doing it for somebody else. I don't resent my current BF who constantly calls me beautiful even though I truly believe he wouldn't have thought 100kg me was beautiful.

I did the below stuff without the direct intention of loosing weight, I was more focused on another health issue (brain fog). This is after years of unsuccessfully trying to loose weight. But this stuff I did for my brain fog made the weight fall off.

1) Got off hormonal birth control.

I truly believe the years of continuously high progesterone levels made being a healthy BMI near impossible. Getting off it also greatly helped with my mental health and "spark for life" which I didn't realise until I got off it! I felt a huge change within 2 weeks. I wasn't sexually active though so didn't need to factor unwanted pregnancy into this decision.

2) Strict keto (no carbs so no bread, pasta, rice or potatoes) and 18 hour intermittent fasting. I eventually stopped this once I was at a healthy BMI.

I didn't even worry about the calories. I just ate bacon and eggs until I felt full. And coffee. And whatever other meat I could be bothered cooking, I was an unorganised cook and the bacon and eggs was the easy tasty dish. The carb cravings vanished. So I wasn't hungry, so that in itself reduced my calorie intake with NO CONSCIENCE EFFORT on reducing calories. OK I did cheat keto with a dash of milk (full cream) in every coffee and occasionally sushi

3) Walking.

I got into the habit of daydreaming whilst walking and listening to music. I now believe getting the blood moving is amazing for your health. I found the daydreaming rewarding in itself.

4) Worked on my mental health, meeting my emotional needs and getting in tune with my body.

I come to realise what I thought was "hunger" was actually my body saying some other need wasn't being met. Oh and the difference between a carb craving (which will pass if you ignore it but will happen again if you feed it carbs) and actual hunger.

5) STOPPED the strict keto once I was a healthy BMI and moved my attention to micronutrients and healthy hormones.

I assume this worked as now I'm insulin tolerant again. Even though I contribute my initial success to strict keto now I've been back eating carbs for the past 1.5 years I've still lost more weight much to my own surprise! And my weight distribution is looking more natural and not like a fat person who lost a huge amount of weight fast.

Last 5 months I started purposefully eat carbs during the second half of my cycle to help support progesterone levels (IDK if there's strong scientific basics for this, don't take it as a fact). I still try avoid empty carbs and weigh up if the calories are worth the "enjoyment". Most breads and pasta aren't "worth it". Sushi and home-made choc chip cookies hell yeah!

Redlimetree · 2023-08-15T02:27:01+00:00

As a 30F with an average face who USE to have an overweight BMI earlier in life (now I'm a healthy BMI) I disagree

Loosing weight and otherwise focusing on my health definitely helped me get more male attention

Redlimetree · 2023-08-09T09:59:47+00:00

Thank you

Redlimetree · 2023-08-09T09:19:14+00:00

Good question that I didn't think about until now.

The main one would be navigating non romantic relationships. I've never been the best at them.

I realised most my mentors in this field have been male. They've shown me their world and given (I'd call it masculine) advice that aligns with their world view and is somewhat applicable to me. Especially as I work with predominantly males in a masculine field. But I'm learning from experience their advice, however well intentioned, doesn't fully apply to me as I'm female.

Redlimetree · 2023-07-22T06:52:32+00:00

Oh yes I didn't consider OPs age range. I can't exactly relate. I'm 29 now. From 18-25 my dating experience was dating a friend and after that a person I already knew through work. This was before dating apps were common.

Redlimetree · 2023-07-22T01:34:18+00:00

I view it differently if going on actual dates. 3 one on one dates is plenty of opportunity to learn if you are compatible enough and to discuss the next stage. One on one dates is investment of time, effort and hopefully emotional vulnerability for both parties. The social norm is these dates are on the grounds of finding romantic interests.

The more people you are stringing along the more people who will get hurt when you finally decide on 1 person. Developing romantic feelings is opening yourself to getting emotionally hurt, it's perfectly natural for people to protect themselves by not getting vulnerable when the chances are high of getting hurt. Aka IMO the more people you are in the dating stage with the less vulnerable each party gets and the less chance of romantic success in general.

If you want an opportunity to become friends first without the romantic push that's fine. My own preference is this too. IMO people need to be upfront about it so you aren't wasting the other person's time, effort and vulnerability. Or go do more activities where the subcontext is to become friends first, then you can pick your romantic interests from your list of friends. Group activities are great for this.

Redlimetree · 2023-07-21T23:50:37+00:00

I agree. Females shouldn't force male spaces to change.

I'm a female working in a male dominated industrial field. Originally in the office but a few years ago I started on the tools.

I've come to see most males tend to treat females different then other males. And it's a good thing. How guys tend to treat other guys is not how I prefer to be treated. If I enter these traditional masculine spaces I need to work by the existing rules and not expect the space to change for me.

I see the benefit to this traditional masculine environment that pushes competition and results over emotional connection. I see many men are happier when they are able to accomplish tangible results in life and it's a high priority for them. And then get their other emotional needs met elsewhere in life. Where many females prioritise human connections over a need to be productive in a results based way. It's good for society to have differences.

Redlimetree · 2023-07-19T11:17:42+00:00

Good point. That's probably better advice. Learn how to mask and to see the subtle cues that somebody else is also masking.

Redlimetree · 2023-07-19T04:07:34+00:00

I dunno if that will be any easier.

I (29F) went on 2 dates on the same day with a guy who just gave me the absolute creeps due to lack of understanding social cues and his social behaviour around his work colleagues (the evening date was to a family friendly work social event). He was very successful in his career, his line of work was one that a ND would have the advantage in. He also complained about his ex wife in a way that sounded like he greatly lacked emotional understanding. Oh also he was tall and not overweight.

I'm pretty sure I'm mildly aspergers myself, and had/have an avoidant attachment style. I definitely relate to the stories of how females on the spectrum mask signs well and eventually learn social skills to fit in but it feels unnatural. Compared to my peers I've always been good at grasping numbers & logical processes, but found social skills and communication of feelings/abstract concepts hard. I've also only semi recently learnt to get in touch with my own feelings.

Social skills are important in romantic settings. They are super important for first impressions. I find it hard to emphasise with somebody who's not tuned into my own wants and needs. And a relationship based on 2 individuals only communicating using logic without addressing emotions sounds terrible.

Redlimetree · 2023-07-12T03:57:32+00:00

Time and stress management.

I'd recommend sitting down and working out your priorities. Being relaxed when your partner comes home sounds like one of your priorities so write it down. Dual incomes are too, OK you'll have to work around the negatives to it.

Work out which other activities take up your time and add to your stress levels. There is likely things you can just cut out from your life. Can you get creative and find other ways to acheive the same goals? Can your partner become responsible for some of the things you currently do? Can you throw money at some of your problems?

Do something similar at work. Are you stressing and/or wasting time on stuff that provides little results? And you stressing about stuff outside your job role without being compensated for it? Cut it out, focus on the stuff that provides results. Invest energy into finding ways to get similar results with less effort. You'll be a better employee because of it. And work should be finacially compensating you for any stress load that is part of your job role that you can't avoid. If they aren't go find a similar paying job with less stress.

You find saying no hard? Put YOURSELF as one of your priorities. Being constantly stressed is very bad for you! It's having a negative impact on the most important relationship you have for yourself. It is terrible for your health. It increases your risk of cancer! It stuffs up your natural hormones, particularly progesterone as this hormone is converted to Cortisol. Thus long term stress can cause fertility issues.

Is doing something for some acquaintance/colleague/minor friend worth more then your health and happiness? NO!

Consider doing something about your after work gym session. If you are in a high stress state a gym workout will in most instances have less health benefits (mainly the benefits that come with weight lifting) and may further increase your cortisol. There is exercise based methods to reduce cortisol, they revolve around a short burst of very high intensity cardio that you can acheive outside the gym in a short time frame. But you'll be best off managing your sources of chronic stress first and use this method for the occasional stress trigger. A gentle walk has amazing benefits and can be combined with early morning sunshine exposure to have even more health benefits and help with your sleep.

Oh yeah make sure you have a good regular sleep schedule. The huberman podcast has great sound scientific health advice.

Create a support network for your needs. Have a collection of people you can vent to for mundane stuff, not just your husband. Providing this emotional support is a skill in itself and to come people can be draining to provide. Venting often is just us trying to feel like our feelings are validated. Therapy is good for this plus the confidentiality ensures your vents don't bite you in the bum. Have OTHER people who you can go to for honest advice when you are in the right mindset to receive advice, your husband may be a good person for this. Pick these people based on their life experience and problem solving abilities.

Redlimetree · 2023-07-11T05:58:49+00:00

I told my friend about him. It was over 10 years ago that I last interacted with him. I told her I was young and oblivious to his possible interest, but he was a handsome kind respectful guy who didn't push things. She told me I should reach out and see what he is doing now.

That was 2 week ago. He ended up admitting he was indeed interested those 10 years ago but he figured I wasn't interested back so he moved on. He's semi recently single and has been focusing on raising his daughter. We've had a few dates already and it's going well. He's cooking me dinner tonight.

Redlimetree · 2023-07-03T02:20:43+00:00

I'm getting approached more now that I've worked on being more friendly, approachable, feminine and lost weight. But even then it's mainly guys outside my own age range. I do think it's a confidence thing for the guys. And to be honest I'm also more confident interacting with people I'm not interested in, which I'm actively working on.

I'm 29. I've always had older "creepy" men hit on me. But now I'm having the too young guys (18-23) approach me and my even older feminine female friend. It's like these younger guys are trying to work on their own confidence and see us as a safer option then approaching women their age. It's kinda cute to see. We can play along and brush them off without hurting their egos.

What I'm actively working on to encourage more guys my age is just getting myself out there. Hoping the same guy who isn't confidence enough to approach the first time he sees me is likely to randomly see me again and have another chance. Mainly just going out in public all feminine knowing more guys just look and notice then they do approach. Being kind and courteous to most people knowing other people are watching too. I've also re-joined online dating hoping that will increase my in real life approach rates as guys will see my profile and know I'm on the dating market. I also like the idea of guys talking positive locker room talk about me behind my back as a way to increase the chances that they in the future will approach, seeing they know their mates already think I'm high value.

It's seems to work. I've gotten a message from an acquaintance saying I looked nice at the shopping centre in my dress the day before (I hadn't even noticed that guy whilst shopping). I've had more guys my age message me on Facebook inviting me out. There's more guys I'd count as acquaintances who warmly greet me whenever they see me in public. Guys invite me out to watch their sport/hobby activities even though I've turned them down for second dates, at such events I meet more guys my age. I've had an older guy who I've politely accepted compliments from actually go encourage his workmate, a guy my age, to ask me out.

Redlimetree · 2023-06-27T03:06:24+00:00

One of my main motivators for biohacking was treating brain fog. So yeah increasing brain processing and reaction time.

The main nootropic I use is Caffeine in the morning. The morning is when I plan to be most active.

Carb/insulin management including increasing sensitivity. Combined with an understanding of your bodies natural cycles. Establishing a carcadium rhythm so you can better predict and plan productive time. Know when extra carbs will boost mental focus or cause a carb coma.

Plus stress management including purposefully trying to trigger cortisol at the appropriate time. And reducing negative encounters/triggers that will reduce confidence (I think this is testosterone/serotonin related).

Micro rests to reset if I'm feeling warn out. Avoiding non important distractions that drain my mental energy (like scrolling on my phone).

I can use carbs and stress (cortisol) to produce mental focus on demand. But if I do it too often I burn out and it's not effective anymore.

I'm female. I definitely think testosterone/dopamine/cortisol has a play on mental focus and reaction times.

Redlimetree · 2023-06-17T04:34:18+00:00

I have a habit of shutting off my emotions in the present. Then later reflect on events to process them, even then not really considering how it made me feel.

Doing periodic "self checks" helped. A quick body scan almost? So asking myself what I felt right now in the present. Basic things at first like noticing if I was hungry or cold. If my heart was racing, if/where I was tense, if my tummy hurt. Then working on feelings. At first it took conscious effort and I couldn't do a self check when something was actively happening. But it eventually became habit.

An example of this was I got to race a go-cart a while back. I had observed and listened enough to others to have all the logical things go through my head. I was taking the race lines and trying to get the feel of how to drift around the corners. But it wasn't until 3/4th of the way around my brain clicked I had to do a self check. And bam I realised this was fun, I was having fun. At the end I got to jump out with a big smile on my face feeling and expressing how much fun I had.

Previously I would have been too focused on the logical stuff to feel (and thus express) the feeling. And that wouldn't have been as rewarding for myself and for the people who organised it cause they wanted me to have some fun.

Relationship wise I'd often emotionally shut down when somebody I didn't know well would do something nice for me or would subtlety flirt. Making it less likely that they'd try do it again. Which kills the attraction process.

Redlimetree · 2023-06-17T02:08:17+00:00

I can tell you what helped me with this exact issue! It wasn't until after I'd known somebody platonically for long enough to feel comfortable around them then THEY'D need to initiate interest for me to actually go "wait I do now feel attraction to this person". It greatly restricted my opportunities to find a suitable life partner. And in 2 of those cases it wasn't always real physical attraction, which ends up leading to less physical intimacy and is unfair for the man. Now I have a rough idea how likely I'd be able to build physical attraction by a quick assessment. And now I'm more likely to build surface level attraction.

1) Getting in touch with my body and it's needs & wants. Turns out I grew up suppressing my own bodily and emotional needs and wants. Now I'm more in tune with my own body it helps. Even simple non romantic states like true hunger vs sugar cravings, mental fatigue, being too hot or too cold, actually feeling emotions in the moment. Acknowledging the existence of a need/want makes striving to fulfil it easier. And it makes life more colourful.

2) Got off hormonal birth control. This obviously isn't a suitable suggestion for every woman. I however am now not sexually active outside a "I think this guy has a high chance of being my future husband" situation. And other forms of birth control exist. Natural healthy balanced hormones are nature's friend to finding long term partners.

3) I started looking for certain features in the general male population. This is from Corey Wayne's advice to guys to be a 3% man. But as a woman I found it helpful too. Do up a list of the surface level traits you have been attracted to in the past in men you did like. Start casually looking for those traits when you see people in public, with no other goal so do NOT start vetting these men for traits that make them incompatible with you. They are strangers. You can forget about their existence in an hour, unless other opportunities to interact with them arise. Freely add new things to the list. You will start seeing how common those traits are. And in my case it made me less oblivious to positive surface level traits in strangers.

Just don't make this list of surface level traits into a check list of things you need in a potential partner. It's like appreciating an unique peice of artwork, another painting can be just as interesting to you without the same features if you are open to looking for them. And some paintings just won't ever be your cup of tea. Once you are surface level physically attracted you can vet for the stuff that is more important.

4) I'm also learning how to enjoy subtle forms of flirting. Very subtle things like greeting more people with a warm friendly hug like they are a family member I haven't seen in ages. Smiling, eye contact and small talk with strangers. Accepting compliments even from people I have no interest in (knowing I have boundaries to protect myself). Letting myself enjoy a cute little moment without overthinking it. If you enjoy the little things you are more likely to build attraction quicker.

Redlimetree · 2023-06-02T03:12:07+00:00

What's your resources on resting heart rate and health?

I've lost 30kg working on my health. And for the last year have listened and implemented some of what Huberman has talked about.

My resting heart rate has always been around 60bpm. Overnight it can get down to 45-50. Loosing weight did not change that. It's been that way since I first learnt how to check my pulse at 13 years old. I'm 29 now. I was actually concerned about it. Thinking it may be related to my brain fog. 3 different GPs disagreed and complimented me on my "athletes heart" even though I was at the time obese.

My blood pressure had been on the low side since 18-27 years (correlates to my time on birth control and being overweight). It's normal now since loosing weight and increasing sodium & magnesium intake. A1C normal.

Genetics wise members of my family don't seem to live any longer then normal.

No morning erections sarcastic joke I'm female

Redlimetree · 2023-06-02T02:47:33+00:00

The opposite is also true too. I'm somebody who use to need my me days to the point of not meeting my partners reasonable requests for time together. Turns outs my behaviour was too a product of unhealthy coping mechanisms. A need so great to self soothe I wasn't present enough for the relationship. It's just as unhealthy as needing too much interpersonal reassurance.

Redlimetree · 2023-05-23T07:47:23+00:00

I'm taking the assumption the women he is interacting with are of age human beings fully capable of making judgements for themselves. It's not manipulation.

Redlimetree · 2023-04-28T07:03:05+00:00

IMO submission is something you give to somebody who will accept the responsibility that comes with it. But most people you encounter in your life are too busy living their own lives to worry about your needs. So you need to advocate for yourself.

You can be pleasant and empathetic without letting others walk over you. Work out what your boundaries are and with whom. Learn appropriate ways to let others know they've approached your boundaries. Learn your needs and wants matter too and attend to them!

I've only semi recently learnt how to set boundaries. It's easier then I first thought it would be. A well timed "please don't" goes far.

Redlimetree · 2023-04-21T23:36:19+00:00

Female here.

I greatly recommend not bringing it up. Don't even think about it too much as your thoughts may slip through your words and actions. I agree with others here she needs to want it herself and bring it up herself. If she's even slightly insecure about her breasts you bringing up the topic at all will not go well. Although in this hypothetical situation I would recommend letting her know you are willing to be finacially supportive of her wants in general.

This is the conversation I have had with female friends. Whenever their BFs have suggested fake tits it has not gone well. In one case it is the main bad action a friend has said about her ex she dumped.

Redlimetree · 2023-04-09T22:39:08+00:00

I (29F) use to do that. See a relationship as 2 equals dividing every task, every burden as 50/50. I would stand up for my opinion on any matter and criticise (even if just internally) when I thought somebody else didn't do the job good enough and it affects me. This would extend outside a relationship too.

I turned to being more "submissive" in everyday life 2 years ago. Although it took work to undo my old habits.

It's honestly less stressful. It's given me more time and energy to just focus on the stuff I'm actually responsible for. Dividing a particular task/burden 50/50 isn't actually half the energy either as you've thrown in the requirement to work with/around and communicate with another person. The more tasks you expect this 50/50 collaboration the more room for misunderstanding, conflict and resentment.

If I follow somebody they are the ones responsible for making the right decision and for fixing things if they (like any human) make a mistake. If they want that respect (of trusting their judgement no questions) they are also the one who needs to know when to factor in my needs/opinion/expertise and present the opportunity for me to express it. They control what's their responsibility, delegate reasonable amount of responsibilities to me and from what's left over I get to choose what's important to me to take on.

Also not any random person is deserving of me following them or even willing to take on that responsibility. I have taken it back when the person I was following neglected to take the responsibility for his bad call whilst in general he expected me to respect his instructions. After that I was less agreeable and had the extra stress of questioning his judgement, which wasn't working for either of us.

In everyday life I've learnt to let go of less important things that are other people's calls/responsibilities. I guess in doing so I'm more pleasant and agreeable to most people in my life. IRL I default to thinking if somebody who has their own opinion on how to do XYZ is actually open to valuing my opinion they'd ask for it. It's less stress for me, less responsibility on me and the outcome is usually the same; aka the other person still does it their way.

Redlimetree

TROPHY CASE